" Maybe we're all wondering." Maybe we are, I'm not sure, but I've been wondering for awhile and I'm sick of it. If I can never have my questions answered, what the point of wondering.What's the point of living if the strings of you being happy get cut my time and disappointment. Everything good that has happened to me, dies, everyone that has ever loved me leaves, the leave me thinking I'll be ok, but I won't. I feel alone without them and I need them, can't they see that Ineed them? I don't want them to go away, I don't want them to be gone for a second, I just want things to fit, someone who can fit into my heart and won't die out on me, won't go away forever, won't go away and never tell me when they'll return.It's like my mind is eating me alive with these feelings. Eating my inside and then eating me on the outside.It's so obvious that it hurts me, it's so obvious I'm not ok, but I try to move without regret, but that eats me alive as well.It's like someone is inside me, breaking me apart with each happy feeling that Ihave. Each feeling dies out and the excitement of my day because dulled out, I don't want things to dull out anymore. I don't want to feel sick inside or feel that death is my only resort.I want to feel special, I want someone to love me and never let that go and never leave me, I fear of being left after love, I fear a lot, that maybe I just won't make it until a happy lifetime, will I? I want them to see, I'm so jealous it makes me sick, I'm so jealous of everyone that it's a wonder that I'm my own self, sometimes I just want to push them in a lake and hope they drown, they are so much more prettier than me, I'm so jealous of their lives, yet I haven't see their shoes! I want to feel something other than this feeling and if someone can make me feel it without wanting to scream, let me know because I'm sick of being the last one to know, tell me first of everything.I'm trying to keep my head above this water, but I need a bit of help, if anyone is there to help, to stop this mad eating, to hold my heart, to hold the key, to hold it forever, never let it go, never let it fade, always will be there, always will tell me where they are if they have to leave, tell me that when they leave they'll promise to think of me and check up on me, and won't leave for too long, then let me know. And then if not, Iguess I'm just left with myself because somebody is hiding inside me and they want out.
I look down that small way, leading into the darkness, the sameway they led me to in my sleep. They said it was danger, but I don't listen very well, I only listen to myself, to my mind. I smile wide wondering if this is the way I should take, if Iwill be safe, if I even care. They said it was dangerous, but sometimes we all must find things we'll never know about, sometimes we just have to take that risk. I stare down the darkness, it stares back at me, I smile again. I walk forward hearing nothing, but a cry, a loud cry almost like a painful scream of a little girl. As I walk forward, it gets louder, my ears feel like they are bleeding, bursting from every pitch, I take it all in, I don't even close my ears. It's all the same to me, to be alone. My eyes see nothing, but the dark, the dark that surrounds me at night.The dark that fills me when I know for sure, that I am alone, when I feel those feelings that you'll be gone, that you don't love me, that I'm your joke and I have strings you pull on. Then the dirt underneath me becomes thick, it gets harder to walk, this is my warning, but I won't listen. I pull my foot out, losing my shoes on the way and keep moving, sticking my foot into the wet dirt, sucking my feet in, not letting me go and keep moving. I pull out again, this time it was hard to do so, but when the thick, wet dirt was finally just plain ground I knew I was on my way. I keep walking, this time I see something bloody, something familiar to me. It was a little girl, she was screaming, but by now I could take it in easily.She heard me coming, she turns around and screams even louder, begging me to help her. I walk slowly to her, slowlyI finally reach her.
"Help me, help me and I can save you, you will wake up, I can save you!"She offers. But I don't want to be saved, I don't want to wake up. I smile at her, realizing she needed my help and that she will help me, but the little thing about this is, I don't want her help.
"No thank you."I say to her and keep walking, she screams in pain, begging for me to come back.
"Please!There is danger ahead of you, don't keep walking."She tells me there is danger, I know there is danger ahead of me, but I won't listen.
"I know,"Isay trailing into the deep way.
"You don't want to do this, you know you don't, they really do love you, he really does love you, she really does love you!" I don't believe her. All my life they lied to me, why should I believe them now?With my bloody ears and wet feet Imove on. They say that I'm beautiful, but I won't listen, they tell me that I'm special to them, but I won't listen, they say that they love me, but I won't listen, they say that they need me, but they leave me here, wondering where they are, why did they leave, why did they leave for so long.Please don't leave me, I need you, desperately, you are my food, the water, the heart I need to live, you can't just leave like this, you can't go away for too long or I'll die, but it's too late,I won't listen, I didn't listen now I'm here. There in the darkness was a light, it shined upon a rope that stretch up into the darkness that I can't see. There was also a chair. I knew what to do, I've seen it before, it's not that hard, the only hard part about it is knowing I won't live to see tomorrow, only today and yesterday. I wrap my hand around the rope, it's made into a loop, I smile. I wrap that loop around my neck, the chair underneath me. Here you go, you played with my heart, this is for you.I'm your little show, your little toy, and you played with me, you played with my heart and now, now I'm broken and they can't repair me. Please, come back, right now, or I'll be broken forever. Nobody is there, nobody is home, so I guess this is goodbye, forever, you promised me a forever, but now, even that is over. I carefully raise my foot and kick the back of the chair to hit the ground. Nothing, but me now, I'm the little show, are you watching me, do you care now?The rope tightens against my neck, digging deep into my skin making me scream, but I can't. Nothing escapes me, not even a tiny sound, I struggle to let the pain go away, but this is the pain Imust feel before death, for Ifind my light in the end.Before I let you all go and onto you lives this is how I must feel. I kick around, trying to remove the rope, but the rop doesn't go away. ThenI see you, my love, are you really there?Are you playing with my heart again?You turn around, the lights on me, my life leaving my body and you look at me. You are scared, you look with fear, why do you look so sad now? You come to me and you cut my rope, but it's too late now, Ifall into your arms, or what was left of me does.
"But I loved you and you said forever,"He says. He went away for too long, now I'm broken forever. He kisses my cheeck and finally my lips and the tipped over chair is now repositioned. There is a gun laying there, perfectly placed.He looks at the gun and finally at me and he smiles as the tears fall down carefully. He then places my body on the ground, walks to the gun and brushes it to his head, presses it deep on his skin. Then he takes that gun and he pulls it, without even thinking twice. And his blood is on my dead body, the hole in the head shined through, his regret was all over me, just because I won't listen, I don't listen, so please tell me something I will hear forever. That you won't leave me, no, never!You will never leave me, that you will be here soon and you'll take me away, from this terrible dream and you'll love me and we'll love each other.I am here and you are there. Really. There