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Do You Remember???

Miscellaneous By: Secret Solace

A reflection about losing someone so close, you thought you would never survive without them.

Submitted:Mar 2, 2011    Reads: 145    Comments: 2    Likes: 1   

Do you remember?

There was a time when you were a part of my life. It was a time when things were simple, when life was kind. I used to play with you as if you were part of my family. We went on so many grand adventures, experiencing so many mind-blowing, heart-pounding, bone-chilling... fantasies! Yes, there was romance in the mix. There was comedy as well. I loved those times. I'm sure you did too.

Then I made a mistake...

I took us into the adult world. Into a place where there were consequences, fears, prejudices, and hysteria. Our place of open thought and open hearts... had no fear, no shame, no reason to hide. We naively crossed over the line into the real world. It was so fragile... a tiny whisper could shatter entire families, destroy years of friendship, and obliterate all trust. If things were left to escalate, I'm sure death would have joined the party.

One eventful night haunts my memories. It was the night we walked and talked around the block. There were many things said and dark secrets shed. Perhaps too much, I agree. My mind and heart went overboard, excited with new discoveries and hopes of the future. We made a pinky-swear to never tell. Now you owe me a pinky and I owe you one as well. I guess we're even. Never did it cross my mind the nightmare that would ensue. All because of you.

Well, it's not entirely your fault. We all have the pay for the consequences of our decisions. I have to pay for mine. A fate I hate... but must accept.

Do you remember what I told you? "Each person has decisions to make in their life. Some decisions have small insignificant effects. So we need not worry about making mistakes. But there are some decisions that have very serious permanent effects on our lives. So we have to really think hard about those."

Ironically, all my wisdom failed me as I expressed my deepest feelings. It was confusing because everything happened so fast. After my first mistake, I made many more. My stupidity was rampant. Finally, I was able to clear my head and tried to stop the chain of events I set in motion. But it was too late. The crucifixion of my uncommitted sins nailed me. My blood wept as fearful judgments were made, binding me to a life of unforgettable banishment.

And throughout this whole ordeal, all I could think about was saving you. I failed to be there for you. Everything I wanted to do for you warped into a sinister plot of evil.

Then I felt the hammer of pain in my chest as I slept one night, waiting for my heart to stop beating. I cried and cried, out of pain, out of confusion, out of regret, out of events that would never change. I wanted to die, wished to die, felt like I was dying. Never in my life have I ever felt so abandoned, alone, and forsaken. I guess I wanted to die for you.

But I didn't...

Because I realized, you wanted me dead. Why else would you lie about me? Say things about me that I never did? I know about the lies. Not all were lies but many things were twisted. I realized how much was turned against me and it sickened me beyond belief. There aren't enough guts in me to puke out the devastation of your betrayal. How could you do this too me? Then again, why did I do it to you? I left you when you needed me.

Still, I feel like a person who tried to save the devil. It must have been laughable and truly pathetic in your eyes. It was in many eyes. Yes, I was a fool.

For many months I tried to deal with what happened. I considered ending it all. My mission failed. There was no reason for me to continue on with this miserable existence.


Once upon a time, I believe in it. I taught it, sought it, and bought it. It's funny to see how I can bring happiness to others but none for myself. Each time I think there will be rainbow or happy moment, tragedy arrives and laughs at me. Maybe I am cursed? I never lied when I said you were my happiness. But I don't think you really understood what I meant. It doesn't matter anymore.

Then the nightmares came. I saw your death coming. Not by my hand, but your own. I wasn't alone with this vision.

Once again I was faced with a very hard life-changing decision. Should I sacrifice myself once again? Or should I run away?

You already know the decision I made. (Smiles)

I'm so sorry for everything. And you were right. We were all at fault in our own way.

I know things will never be the same. I know we may never see each other again. I know life goes on.

But do you remember those good times?

Because even if everything fades to dust




~~~> I will always remember you. <~~~


"Goodbye for now, but not forever."


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