What are we searching for? Every day, twenty four-seven, that seems to consume our thoughts until we are sick? We all claim to be searching for the same thing. But what if it hits us straight between the eyes and we still do not recognize it? What will become of us then? Senile- we seem to become thinking about it. Hopeless- as we long for it. Disappointment- when we realize we do not have it. But what are we really disappointed about, if none of us knows what it is? Perhaps we are disappointed that we don’t know what it is. But I think it’s something else. I think we are disappointed that we don’t have what we read in romance novels. All of us assume we are born with the knowledge and capability of it; but in reality, we are not. Love is learned, it is also taught. But maybe none of us has the right to teach it, if none of us knows what it really is. The media hasn’t taught us love. They tell us sex is love, they tell us beauty is love, they tell us it should be like a fairy tale. Some of us aren’t as cookie-cutter as the media thinks. I know I’m not, at least.
I know I haven’t lived long enough to know what love really is. I’m only fourteen, you see. Barely old enough to kiss, how could I know what love is, right? Well let me tell you: you probably don’t know what love is either. In my opinion, not that anyone asked for it, love is what you make it. If you think love is forgiveness, you’re right. If you think love is knowing the other person better than you know yourself, you’re right. If you think love is putting yourself before the other person in any situation, you’re right. Really, in any case, you’re right. In my opinion, that is; since I think love is what you interpret it as. I think love is knowing the other person will always have your back no matter what; That the other person would sacrifice anything for you. Then again, I think love is eating cereal on your best friend’s couch in the morning. I think it’s standing in the rain- alone. I think love is crying and the relief you feel afterwards. Love is your favorite song on the radio. I think anything is love if you make it that way.
We all want the most ridiculous things. Princes on horseback, huge diamond rings, amazing weddings… None of that matters. As long as you’re with who you love for the rest of your life- what more could you want?
The problem is I’ve sheltered myself from everything. After repetitively getting hurt from boy after boy, I cut off all my resources. Sometimes I cry because I’m scared that I’ll never be in love with anyone, or that no one will ever love me. But sometimes I think it’s okay because it’s better than getting hurt or used. But I’m worried I’ll get scared and run away from love when I find it.
It’s all I want.
Just to have someone there for me, who loves me for who I am. No matter how weird or different I may seem to the rest of the world. If I had just one person that loved every single thing about me, I’d be okay for the rest of my life. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that some people give up love for something that sounds more appealing to them. Money, younger girls, freedom from wives or husbands… What could be better than love?
But I don’t know, maybe I’m just naive and real love is painful and I just don’t know it yet. Maybe a lot of people would trade love for something they think is better. I wouldn’t know. Maybe I’ll never know. But I hope that’s not the case.
All I want is to fall in love.