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"COLOUR OF CHANGE"

Novel By: Azmat Shah
Romance


O.k I really need help on this, i need to know what you guys think. This story is basically centered on a marriage of convenience(Yeah i know, it been done to death but hear me out)
Well the herione is a pakistani, someone with eastern ethos and sensibilities while the not so dashing prince is half English, and someone who despises his "Paki" roots and is understandably skeptical about marrying someone from a country that's often painted as the extremist Las Vegas of the world, but the family patriarch(Adams Grandfather) manipulates both the main protagonists, and what ensues is a clash of not only ideals but of civilizations. I wanted to write something that read like a romantic comedy, only it'll last a lot longer than a few hours.
I wrote this book cuz i want to show everyone that no matter how different we are, not matter how insurmountable our difficulties may be, we can still find love and understanding, For a lasting Love comes from compromise and understanding, and open mindedness.

O.K NWFP stands for north west frontier province, its a northern province of Pakistan which is home to the most beautiful mountains in the world. Did you know that 14 of the 30 tallest peaks of the world are in N.W.F.P. Its a beautiful province and the indigenous population is pathan, a people who are known as much for their valor as they are for their hospitality. Unfortunately in the west its only portrayed as a terrorist hub.

Lahore is the capital of Punjab Province, which is the most affluent in Pakistan and boasts the most complex and old irrigation system in the world. It is also special because of its fertile lands, its the agricultural hub of Pakistan. The local people are Punjabi's.

Karachi is the capital of Sindh province and is among the five biggest cities on earth. This huge metropolis is the economic heart of Pakistan. Its strategically important cuz of its two ports. View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Submitted: Jun 20, 2008    Reads: 328    Comments: 43    Likes: 12   


That bloody old man was out of his fucking mind!!!

By now Adam had learned to expect the unexpected, but even he had been totally unprepared for this new turn of events. He was seething with fury and frustration as he sat impatiently on the uncomfortable bus seat next to an old Indian woman holding onto a ton of what looked like groceries in her lap.

How long had it been since he’d sat in this particular bus heading for the one place in London he despised above all others. Unfortunately not long enough.

“Excuse me.” The old woman said as she lifted her enormous bulk from the adjoining seat. Adam swiftly rose to his feet and let the old rhino pass, ordinarily he would have helped her with her payload but today he decided to forego all social niceties.

The bus hissed to a stop with a drunken jerk as the woman wobbled her way towards the open door near the drivers end.

Adam once again sat down, this time on the window seat and gazed beyond it to the view it awarded. West Ealing, looked about the same as it always had, cramped, busy and dull. The same old small Indian, Pakistani and Afghani shops with a lonely little Woolworth’s or BHS thrown in here or there. Adam had always found it amazing how different this place seemed from South Kensington where he rented his flat. The further the bus lumbered on the worse the view got, for it seemed as if London had been left far behind, the surroundings resembled a mini Lahore, or Delhi or any other South Asian crap heap.

Turbaned, bearded Sikhs ambled across the sidewalks next to short dark women wearing a tent worth of clothing in the form of sari’s or shalwar something, he didn’t even remember what the ridiculous dress was called.

For the thousandth time he cursed his fate for saddling him with the Paki connection. Why couldn’t his father have been from some other country instead of friggin’ Pakistan? Well it was no use blaming his genes he thought with a frown marring his handsome face he had to deal with his problems the only way he knew how, that is by steamrolling them.

Unfortunately for him though, his problems or PROBLEM was in the form of one very short, very skinny, and very stubborn old man, namely his illustrious Grandfather Afzal Shah, sole owner of Shah and son’s and the unyielding, maddeningly eccentric patriarch of the Shah family.

Ten minutes later Adam disembarked from the crowded bus and made his way swiftly towards Elmsway Street, his bally shoes clicking a furious beat against the concrete pavement. He barely noticed his surroundings or the people around him. Here among the countless nationalities and colors of alien cultures Adam stood out like a sore thumb, a six foot two Gucci business suit wearing sore thumb that is. He barely noticed the strange looks the people around him were giving him, from the crafty ones of a few young Asian men loitering about on the pavement (no doubt wondering if his wallet was as well endowed as his appearance suggested) to the frankly covetous, lingering glances every woman from twelve to fifty sent his way. Oblivious to his effect on the indigenous population Adam walked up Elmsway Street, his stride picking up steam as his quarry came within sight.

“Hello Adam. How are you? ” Stopping, Adam jerked his gaze towards the old woman who had just emerged from a two story semidetached house to his left, exactly identical to all the other dull houses on this stretch of narrow street.

Her name was Nabeela and she was an old neighbor of his grandparents, an exceedingly annoying neighbor who had often dangled her endless array of Bengali nieces and granddaughters under his nose like ripe luscious fruit ever since he had turned twelve.

Adam cringed inside wondering what the old biddy wanted now. She was huffing and puffing towards him with all the bulk and determination of a train barreling towards its station. Hoping to forestall yet another barrage of questions pertaining to his unmarried status at the scandalously old age of thirty-two no less Adam quickly took evasive action. Pasting a smile on his face he addressed her without breaking step.

“Oh hello Mrs. Basu,” He called out pleasantly, waving to her, ‘sorry I can’t chat I have to see aba, you know how he hates to wait.”

With an inner sigh of relief he saw the old battle ram stop at the front of her gate, looking like the cat (a very fat cat) who was watching the canary fly away. “Oh alright, but you must come to visit once you see your grandparents.” She chirped in syrupy tones. ”My niece has just flown in from Dhaka and I would love for you to meet her.”

“Not on your life!” Thought Adam, not that he had the guts to say that out loud. “Well off course. So long Mrs. Basu. Give my regards to your family.” And with those final words Adam sped away hoping none of her Grandmothers other cronies were around. No such luck though, he had to voice similar greetings to at least six other geriatrics on his way to his grandparents home. Why the hell did their house have to be at the end of the street Adam wondered for the thousandth time.

God it was like walking through a time bubble, everything here was the same, from the stained pavement to the semidetached houses to the unkept front lawns. Finally he reached the small wooden gate that bordered his grandparent’s house. Opening it quickly he approached the door.

Adam rang the doorbell and grimaced when a weird sound very much like a Bollywood film tune echoed throughout the inside of the house. No doubt the latest Hindi Masala Hit.

The door opened slowly revealing his grandmother. Adam smiled the first genuine smile he had smiled that day. It had been almost a year since he had last seen her, and she looked just as she always did. Her small plump body garbed in a colorful red sari, white hair bound in a braid which was still pretty thick considering how old she was. Age hadn’t marred her; instead it had given her small heart shaped wrinkled face a timeless grace. And her smile as she looked at him through shining dark eyes could still melt an iceberg.

“Hello Ama” Adam said with heart felt warmth “I see you’re still the bombshell of South hall.”

“Shush you naughty boy.” She said with a chuckle giving him a hug, her small head barely reaching his shoulders. “I haven’t seen you in so long. Let me look at you.” She stepped back and ran a critical eye from his head to his feet. “You are too thin.” She admonished without a seconds hesitation, clucking disapprovingly about his penchant for restaurant food.

“And you are still gorgeous.” Adam replied, grinning broadly “where is Aba?”

Raunaq saw the way his eyes chilled when he asked the question. With a feeling of trepidation she led her grandson towards the lounge. Even though she had feigned delighted surprise at his arrival she knew why he was there and she suspected that he knew that too. Raunaq had always doted on her only grandson showering him with all her love. For she saw in him all the fine qualities that her own husband possessed, unfortunately they also shared the same temper and mule headedness.

Adam followed her into the dark house and felt as he always did when he came here, completely out of place. The paint on the walls was dark red sprayed with gold roses, while the kashmiri carpet running up the stairs to the three bedrooms above was the same one he had run up with muddy shoes as a young boy countless times. The large gaudy crystal chandelier that hung from the roof of the small hall completed the completely unfashionable look. Turning left through a door at the end of the hall brought him into the lounge cum dining room and face to face with the reason for his visit.

His Grandfather was sitting calmly on his favorite leather arm chair. His thin angular face a mirror of innocent surprise. Adam surveyed him for a moment noting that he too hadn’t changed much. He still had short, receding grey hair that was plastered over his head like a second skin. Age had added countless wrinkles to his striking hawkish features but time had done little to mar the intelligence that blazed out of those small brown eyes that gazed at him from underneath bushy white brows.

“Hello Aadum” drawled a slightly mocking voice from the leather armchair “To what do we owe this pleasant surprise?”

“You know damn well what you owe it to aba. “Adam growled angrily as he strode into the room carrying his briefcase, which he promptly threw onto the closest chair.” What in God’s name was that message you gave father.”

Afzal stared at his grandson nonplussed, his heart swelling with pride as it always did when he looked at him. Afzal had religiously followed his grandson’s every success from his academic achievements in Oxford to his exploits in the business world; Adam was the light of his life. He was every thing his father Asad was not. Strong, resilient, brilliant and also compassionate, for even now Afzal could see the boy was visibly controlling his anger because of Raunaq, who was looking from her husband to grandson like a frightened gazelle looks at a pride of lions.

“You’re a smart lad, I am sure you have it all figured out.” Afzal mocked, hoping to keep Adam angry for he knew his grandson, he had been staring at a smaller version in the mirror everyday for the past eighty years, and like himself Adam was at his weakest when he was angriest. And Afzal was going to use that weakness against his incensed grandson for he was determined to win the most important deal of his life.

“Oh I have it figured out all right.” Adam sneered, “What I don’t understand is your gall in thinking I would ever go along with your plan.”

“Maybe I’ll put on some tea,” Raunaq chimed in nervously, rushing out of the room towards the kitchen. Adam looked at her retreating back sympathetically, hating to upset her, before turning his fiery blue gaze on his grandfather. Who seemed as happy as a gentleman in a posh British club with his damn cigar.

“Oh you’ll go along with it alright.” Afzal said in a steely voice, his words heavily laced with his foreign accent, looking very much like the business tycoon who had come to England with nothing but empty pockets and big dreams “You know the consequences if you don’t.”

Adam Stared at his foe sitting on his throne with negligent ease, in a room which looked like Lahore had thrown up in it, thinking desperately of what to do next. In frustration he ran his big hands through his short wavy black hair, tousling it. When he caught the old man’s smile he saw red.

“If you think I will be blackmailed you really are senile. You must be mad to think I would agree to this scheme of yours,”

Afzal knew he had to tread carefully, for he knew Adam was close to being angry enough to stamp out of the house and he needed to make the kill before that happened. In a conciliatory tone he inquired.” Why is it crazy, things like this happen all the time. It’s not a new concept you know.”

“Well it is to me.” Adam shouted “You’re talking of an Arranged Marriage for Gods sake and it’s not even with a British girl, it’s with some brainless Paki chit.”

“Is that how you see your country women, brainless chits,”

“They are not my country women for heavens sake, I am British.”

“Half British” was the swift rejoinder “although you do hide your so called “Paki” roots well with those fancy English suits you always have on.”

“I AM British damn your eyes and I absolutely refuse to marry someone I don’t even know.”

“You can dress a wolf in sheepskin but he will always remain a wolf. And you will always be a Pakistani whether you like it or not.” Afzal replied drolly “furthermore you will do as you are told; it seems to have slipped your mind that I still control the company.”

“I am the company and you damn well know it. I have spent the last twelve years dedicating every second to that company while you have been sitting in your ivory castle enjoying the fruits of my labor.” Adam raged, thinking of all the time he had wasted making Shah’s and son into the multinational conglomerate that it was, only to be rewarded with this.

“Neverthless i own it, and there's nothing you can do about it.” His grandfather shot back implacably.

For once Adam didn’t know how to proceed, he had thought fighting it out with the old man would get him results but he knew his grandfather and he recognized the belligerent jut of his jaw. The old man was fully prepared for battle. Adam contemplated legal action for a moment but he knew he couldn’t prove his grandfather to be incompetent. Besides the courts would throw his case out when they learned that millions of pounds of revenue would fill the coffers of various London Charities. “His Millions” Adam thought with angry disgust, millions he had worked for all these years, all his future plans and aspirations would bite the dust just because of an insane whim.

In utter frustration Adam sank into the closest chair, an uncomfortable, bright yellow abomination that had tassels hanging off the arm handles. Right now Adam had the urge to rip them off, but unfortunately that would get him no where.

Short of murder there was nothing he could do to get the old man to see reason. Adam wasn’t particularly worried about his grandfather’s threat to disown him for he knew that ultimately that was a hollow threat. No matter how much the old man said he would do it Adam knew his grandfather would never be able to carry out his threat. It was all a God Damn bluff! But there was still a nagging worry in Adam’s mind that the old man just might be callous enough to do it, and it was this worry that was forcing him to try and reason with his unreasonable foe.

Trying to get a hold of his emotions Adam turned his head and looked out of the large bay windows at the uninspiring view of the quiet street outside, as if that might provide him with some answers.

“At least look at her pictures,” Afzal said from across the room his tone both hopeful and conciliatory,” She is the granddaughter of one of my closest friends in Pakistan. Like us their family also hails from N.W.F.P. Her Grandfather studied with me in Aligarh University before the partition and both of us set up our first business together in Karachi before I came to this country. We have remained in touch ever since…………”

“Please spare me your nauseous trip down memory lane. Frankly I don’t give a damn.” Adam snapped. His jeering tone making Afzals eye’s narrow with anger and his thin shoulders stiffen imperceptivity.

“Well it seems to me you should be interested with my “Nauseous” trip down memory lane, after all you are the one who is getting married to his Granddaughter.”

“God Damn It! What do I have to say to reason with you? Have you even stopped to consider how the girl you are so eager for me to wed feels about this? How can you expect her to fit in with my life style? For Gods sake man we are from totally different cultures.”

“I suppose you will both have to compromise a bit, that is what marriage is all about.”

Adam bounded to his feet once more, “How the hell would you know anything about compromise, you have never compromised on shit in your whole life.” He exploded, his face flushed, nostril’s flaring.

“You will remember to keep a civil tongue, young man. Your grandmother is in the house.”

As if on cue Adam heard a tea trolley being dragged towards the lounge from the kitchen.

His jaw ached from the effort he exerted to control the string of invective he yearned to hurl at his grandfather’s head.

“Well what about me then? Have you stopped to consider that I might be interested in someone else?”

Afzal laughed mockingly which further ignited Adam’s ire, “Oh Please Adam, this is not the time for jokes.” He chuckled,” If you had found someone else you wouldn’t have been spending 12 hours a day cooped up in your office. All you have ever found my boy is release for your baser instincts.”

“My private life is not up for discussion.” Adam said stiffly. Fully aware of what his grandparents thought of his sexual dalliances. If it had been up to them, they would have married him off to his first girlfriend. “And furthermore I don’t need lecture’s……….”

“Oh come of it boy,” Afzal interrupted “Marriage to a decent girl might just be what you need.” The subtle emphasis on the word decent left little doubt as to what he thought of his grandson’s usual bedmates.

“I am through discussing this. Whether I get married or not is none of your damn business.”

Very calmly Afzal picked up the bunch of papers lying on the side table next to the leather arm chair and held them out towards Adam, a bushy brow raised mockingly.

“What the hell is that?” Adam asked eying the papers with suspicion.

“Why it is a contract my boy, listed on these papers are the names of the charities I intend to leave my money to. I have even included PETA, you always did liked animals. Just think of all the animal hotels a few million pounds worth of capital will provide.”

Speechless Adam stared at the papers, shaking with impotent rage. He picked up his brief case and bounded out of the room, not trusting himself to keep from strangling that manipulative old traitor. He rushed through the hall without a backward glance. Not daring to turn back even when he heard his grandmother’s soft voice calling him.

“What have you said to the boy?” Raunaq asked her husband accusingly, rushing into the lounge with the tea trolley in tow “You know how angry he can get.”

“Do I?” Afzal replied chuckling. Not in the least put out by his Wife’s disapproving expression. For once even the prospect of the inevitable lecture could not dampen his spirits.

“Congratulations my dear, your grandson will very soon be a married man.” Afzal drawled and then promptly burst into laughter.


12

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Comments:

O.k I forgot to mention in the introduction that this is actually the ending of the first chapter, i didn't want post the whole thing before i got some comments from you guys, so come on tell me if its any good!

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

Good! I'm the first one to comment. First of all, I like the choice of topic. In this increasingly globalized world, it is quite relevant. I like the way the story is taking shape too. Will be back some time late night with a detailed comment (on this and the other).

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

DEAR AZMAT, like Urja said...GREAT THEME....

I LOVED THE FIRST CHAPTER AND THOUGH I AM VERY VERY LAZY IN READING NOVELS, I WOULD LOVE TO FOLLOW THIS BECAUSE THIS ONE IS "MAGIC"....PURE MAGIC AND I HAVE 'THIS' FEELING THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT....

U MUST CONTINUE WITH THE NEXT CHAPTERS EVEN IF U GET FEW READERS BECAUSE THESE WOULD BE THE ONES WHO WOULD FOLLOW U TILL THE END AND I AM EAGER TO LEARN ABOUT THE MINDSET OF BOTH PROTAGONIST AND 'HOW' THEY 'START' UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER AND FINALLY 'ACCEPT' EACH OTHER.....

I WOULD LOVE TO FOLLOW THIS SINCERELY....

I HAVE A REQUEST....KEEP ME INFORMED PLEASE....

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

Author Comment:

Don't worry Dear i will keep you informed. I am so happy you like it, cuz this one is basically geared towards chicks lol. Hey i don't really care about lots of readers but i do want to hear from friends like you, you guys are like oxygen for my brain, i cant write without feedback from you guys LOL.

i came back to read again 'in peace'....YES I LIKED THE CHAPTER 1 with all honesty.....

Adam's Grandpa is from Pak....and so he wanted his grandson to marry a girl from PAK...I have a 'feeling' that ADAM would start loving this girl and then, one beautiful LOVE story....

It sounds like Mills and Boons and Bollywood movies....AND I LOVE BOTH....I am crazy for them and I am sure there would be lots of spices of all kinds of emotions....

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanx babe, i really appreciate ur sentiments. I too love reading romantic fiction and a marriage of convenience has always held my interest, cuz thats when the sparks really fly lol.

I think it is gonna be a great book. I liked it so far.

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

First of all, let me congratulate you. You have managed to grab the attention from the very beginning of your story. The pace is also good. There are a few hitches here and there which need to be smoothed out, but every good story requires editing in the beginning anyway, so that’s nothing to worry about.

You need to work on the punctuation. That’s the only thing which is a bit jarring.

Also, you could reduce the use of adverbs in the story (I know, it is a clichéd editing advice, but it really holds true). For example, instead of making Adam look incredulously at his mother, you could write: ‘Adam lifted his gaze from his brooding study of the glass topped coffee table and looked at his mother with incredulity: “Damn the woman! Can’t she realize I want to be left alone? Does she really think she is helping me?, etc” That way, you will be able to add variation in your sentences, with dialogues (external or even internal) being woven with the narration.

Again, you could do away with the ‘irately’ in that sentence when she stands up with that irritated wave of her hand. Also, have you typed ‘Son’ with a capital deliberately or is it a slip of the keyboard?

You get the general drift of the corrections I mean. These are useful for the fine-tuning of the story. The main aspect, that is the story and the flow itself, are perfect. Do I need to add that I can’t wait to read the story further and follow the lives of the protagonists?

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

All right - the comments finally stopped piling in for the challenge at the moment so I thought I'd stop by since I didn't know when I'd get the chance to later, haha.
Mmmkay - first and foremost: I really like your writing style. Your sentence fluency and word choice are excellent, very impressive. And I'm the fish and I took the bait, you have me "hooked", ha, pun on words. The dialogue was very smooth and realistic - and it did have a humorous feel to it. You said you were going for a romantic comedy - well, of course you aren't at the romance part yet, but there's a humor that trickles through the dialogue, even if its a serious matter.
You don't have typos, but you do have some punctuation errors, so watch out for those. Hm, as for grammer, you are fine. No issues there.

Errors / Comments:

Several hours and almost four glasses of whisky later[,] Adam sat in his lounge

“Well look at the bright side darling[,]” [c]rooned a husky voice, “It’s not like you
- you do this several times throughout the chapter. there's certain times when its best to end a sentence with a comma as you then state the speaker. some places don't need it, other places its necessary. its a complicated punctuation rule that i don't quite understand fully, but i can see something and tell that it looks wrong without fully knowing why.

Catherine [S]hah[,] or Kat as she was fondly referred to among her friends[,] (you need those commas there b/c you have an appositive and all appositives are set off by commas) sat upon the chaise opposite her son with a negligent grace which spoke eloquently of a woman who had always been regarded as a sensation.


With an irritated* wave of her hand she stood up irately*, (a petpeeve of mine in writing is when i see the same word or close to the same word, right next to each other or in several sentences, one after the other. it gets repetitive. try finding a different word. the thesauras will gladly become your new best friend - get used to it lol) eying her [s]on (no need to capitalize son in this case b/c its not being treated as a proper noun) through narrowed blue eyes which were mirror images of his own. “No I don’t want a drink.” She hissed incensed[,] “And I think you’ve had more than enough.”

You should be thinking about your strategy to counter this mess[,] not getting drunk as a wheelbarrow

God save me from meddling relatives[,] (that should be italisized b/c its his precise thoughts; you've put the reader in his own mind for a moment and when you do that, always italisize thoughts) Adam despaired for the hundredth time, first the confrontation with his grandfather and now this. It seemed the heavens were conspiring against him Adam thought with a wave of self pity. (i don't think you need that "Adam thought" because you begin the sentence with "it seemed" and that sets it up for the "so i thought" kind of theme)

I won[']t repeat myself again." He explained, a tinge of impatience lacing his heavy baritone. ["]There’s (quotes were facing the wrong way)nothing I can do.

“There must be something you can do for [G]od’s sake. (technically god is always a proper noun unless used as plural. i.e. The gods are out to get me.)


She said bitterly, her anger increasing as she realized that -- nothing wrong with this sentence but you mention her anger. something that i try to do as a writer is describe the anger. she's angry, okay, so what? how angry is she? is she shaking she's sooo mad? is she more of a tensed-up anger and her body is stiff? what happens when you get angry? what are some of the little details that you don't realize. for example, when i was younger, when i got really really mad, i would always literally bite my tongue. its a small detail that goes unnoticed - but its something unique to a way of expression of anger. thus, i suggest perhaps throwing in some details of how she responds to anger.

a family battleground but his mother[']s hate filled words


all right. that's all the errors that i found and i included some constructive criticism and side comments. don't let anything i say discourage you. you are a talented writer and this sounds like a good story. i'm looking forward to more. keep me updated and please don't update it all too quickly. i get overwhelmed when i come back and see that theres like 6 new chapters. its so much easier to just read a chapter at a time and not have to get caught up. *sighs*
so yeah. now that i've burned your eyes from having to stare at the computer screen for so long to read my ridiculously long comment, i'm going to take off b/c i'm also running out of comment room. i only get 1000 words you know and i'm already getting close to 900. hahahaha!
anyways - i really did enjoy this first chapter. i'm not sugarcoating here. it was enjoyable. it was semi gripping. nothing that made me lean in and say "omg" but i am intrigued and curious.
keep me posted
and take care ^^

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

My goodness!! How does Alice have the time to write all that? My schedule is packed.

Okay, I don't know how you do it. You are an amazing writer. I liked this and I agree with Urja; excellent topic. I too would like to see where this goes. Keep me informed and I'd love to read the rest as soon as I have time.

Oh yeah.. and I agree with Alice too. If she comments on something, I have also read... Agreeing with her in whatever it may be... let's just say it's a given. :)

Posted: Jun 20, 2008

Oh, and also, please change channel to Chanel! Women on this site will definitely pounce on your fashion faux pas.

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

roiling boil s/b rolling boil.
I enjoyed Kat's description alot.
Well, I don't want to look like a dumb-ass commenting on anything other than my interest level. Also, these women above me that have commented are very schmarrrt, so go with their opinions on the composition.

I like this. I really have no clue what it would be like to be in this position in life. To have decisions made for you at that stature. No clue.
I may get lost in the business dealings talk as stuff like that makes my mind wander off. (in real life too!!!)

So, is Kat mad about the business deal or what the dad had told son (is that the same thing?)
Let's see what happens next.

Posted: Jun 21, 2008

First, I'd like to say that I am really intrigued by this story idea. Arranged marriages seem far-fetched to us in the west, but they do exist! I do like modern twist to it though and Adam seems like an interesting character so far. His mom too! I was immediately drawn in with your descriptions of him drunk and wanting to get drunker, but his mom not letting him. The conflict is immediately set up and I like that. I thought that this chapter was kind of unfinished, in that it just seemed to end. I would move that last paragraph up a bit? I want some kind of hook at the end to lead me forward to the next chapter. Maybe Adam deciding what he's going to do? Do you know what I mean? Please let me know when a new chapter is up! ~Em

Posted: Jun 22, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
this is not actually the first chapter just a very small part of it. It like a sneak peak into their lives. I know what you mean by a hook at the end, but this is not actually the end of the chapter per se. Its just something i posted to whet the readers appetite and to see what kind of reception my work would get. I will be posting the whole thing pretty soon and i am really eager to hear from you. By the way thank you for the praise and encouragement, i hope you like the rest of this too.

hi there.... here I am at last...

I've never read a noval with this topic so this is something completely new to me. I like your style and your story line is very interesting. Lovely read. It captivated me from the start. Must be the conflict and tension between Adam and his mother. Can't wait for the next chapter so keep me posted....

hugs hugs ******

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanx, you know for a moment there i thought you had disappeared off the face of the earth lol. thank god you are finally back. Thanx for liking this, i know this topic is a different one for readers in other countries but believe me stuff like this does happen. People think that arranged marriages take place in only eastern countries but believe me they occur everywhere. Mostly as a means of merging business empires or to get richer lol. I just wanted to introduce something completely new.

Me dissapear.... LOL you won't get rid of me that easily. I've just had a lot on my mind lately but it's going easier now. So I'm back to read up and relax again. It's a scary thought having an arrange marriage. You know it's hard enough staying married if you love someone but having to marry someone that you don't even know it must be terrible. I guess should both parties put a 100% in it could work. For me personally I would never do something like that. But please hun keep me updated when the next chapter is up.

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Yeah i know what you mean. And just consider that both the protagonist are from different countries too, no that really is a match set up for disaster. Never fear though, romance has a way of making the best of even the worst situations, but plenty of sparks are going to fly before that, prepare urself for one rocky ride LOL.

This is an amazing piece. You description of everything was so well I could picture it in my head. The various emotions were also displayed so well. This is one book I would love to continue reading, and I would also want to buy were it in the stores. Please write on and keep me posted. Take care.

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

WOW you have really made my day. What a boost to my ego LOL. Don't worry i will continue writing this and i will keep you abreast of all the developments. Thanx for reading and commenting, it means a lot to me.

I don't normaly write your taste of writing, but when you do it i'm drawn into it. I think you could get very far and I also think you should never give up. SoPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE keep on writing!

:D

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
don't worry i wouldn't even be able to stop if i wanted to, i have too many stories spiraling through my head, i need to get them on paper or they would surely drive me mad lol. Thanx for commenting and thankyou for ur encouragement.

Once again, you have great descriptions. That is something I look forward to in a story. I'm sure the rest will be just as great as the first two chapters. :)

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you,
you don't know how much ur encouragement means to me. I can only hope you like the rest of the chapters just as much.

great topic, great writing style (with just a few minor spelling errors that can definitely be fixed).. a very professional presentation and excellent dialogues and character exchanges.. intriguing characters..

but most of all, i am envious of your writing style!! hahaha i loved it =)

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much. I am so glad you liked it, i know what you mean about the spelling mistakes. Its times like these when i wish i had an English major LOL. I am so happy you noticed the writing style, because i wanted this one to be humorous and pacy. It seems i might have been successful in that to a small extent LOL.

Ha ha ha. Well that's not fair! Putting a new chapter for chapter one so I have to comment again. Sly sly woman. I have to say the thing I like most about this story is that I feel like I am walking into a world that I have never been before. Being of middling American middle class of protestant European roots, this story intrigues me. I am also immediately drawn to your characters and have a pretty good sense of who they are right off the bad. A hard thing to do! I too like all of the details and descriptions; it really makes the story. Since you were nice enough to give me constructive criticism, I shall try as well! The only thing that bugged me while reading was the grammatical errors. I just wanted to put commas in their places mostly and move some sentence structure around. Too many to write here, but I could try the first couple of paragraphs if you wanted. But as I said I love the overall story and I'm intrigued to meet the other half of this potential pair! ~Em

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
Thanx for commenting. I would be much obliged if you could show me where i have gone wrong in the first few paragraphs, it will help me out a lot. Unlike you though i don't have any one else to show my work to before i post it, its always a solo effort which makes it so damn hard. But i feel like i have to put my thoughts on paper or i will go mad lol, you wont believe how many stories i have cooking inside my head LOL. I am so glad you like this story, it gives me hope.

Am so in love with this story.....it has me hooked. Keep me posted

Posted: Jun 23, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you, don't worry i will tell you when i have new chapters up. I am so glad you like it.

Wow, this is an interesting start, and I have to say it's original and quiet addictive! You've captured the feel of a familiar part of London, and you're doing extraordinary things with it. I like the characters too, I found myself trapped in the story, I couldn't stop reading! ~ KB

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much. This means so much from someone who lives there. I really wanted to know what you thought about it because i wanted to ascertain how realistic my imagery was. Yipeeeeeeee
you have just made my day. Plz keep reading and telling me what you think because i will be needing help from you about some places which i am determined to use in the upcoming chapters. I am so happy today LOL.

hey sorry it took me longer than i thought to get here! but this is gr8! i really like london but i like this london better!

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you. I am glad you like my depiction of the city. How do you like the story lol. Hey you guys have to be a little less thrifty with your words. After all i am writing this one for my readers LOL.

Wow.
I loved it.
and the fact that the grandfather wouldn't take no for an awnser made me laugh. He kind of remined me of my grandfather.
I really loved the first chapter so far and now I'm off to read the second
:]

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much for that. I really strive to make my characters seem real and it makes me feel so good when people talk of them like real people. I hope you like the other chapters just as much.

Love it, just waiting for what comes next ......How do you make it all flow? You write so well, very intrigueing, and you definitely have me bouncing back and forth to your page...checking lol!

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much. Hey it is a secret but i will tell you how i do it if you keep on reading LOL.

This is very interesting. I hate the fact that there are some families that still arrange marriages. to me I think thats bad because today youth are different and t if they do get in an arrange marriage they either cheat or leave home. But the story is really good. I'm going to read the next chapter.

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
i know what you mean but these things do happen. And usually money and status are involved, just like in my story. Believe me both Jasmine and Adam are in for a rough ride LOL.

Azmat you're swearing!
AAAk!
Just read the first line....

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Yeah i know LOL, but i am not the one who is swearing luv its Adam. He really does need his mouth washed out with soap LOL. Poor guy i dont blame him though, you would be swearing too in the sane situation. You my dear would probably have killed Afzal by now LOL.

This is very interesting..I haven't read something on this topic before and it kept my attention. You're off to a very good start.

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
Thank you very much, i am so glad you liked it LOL

The bus hissed to a stop with a drunken jerk as the woman wobbled her way towards the open door near the drivers end.>>>>AWESOME!

Adam smiled the first genuine smile he had smiled that day. It had been almost a year since he had last seen her, and she looked just as she always did. Her small plump body garbed in a colorful red sari, white hair bound in a braid which was still pretty thick considering how old she was.>>>LOVE IT~!

Very good.
I want to stay in contact with you for 10 years, because I think in 10 years your writing will have changed and that only happens with aging. I can't describe it, your hand will mellow...er...I don't know how to describe it.

I want to see tons tons tons of heritage/culture shoved in my face with this novel for some reason.

Off to ch 2

Posted: Jun 24, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
thankyou so much for ur support peachy, i am sincerely grateful. It makes me so happy to know that all i am writing is not a wasted effort. I know i have a long way to go but comments from discerning critics like you give me hope that my destination is within reach.

Jack the Knife
(not registered user)

Although the subject of the story does not grab me, I was impressed with the writing style, vocabulary and flow of the narrative. Normally, I wouldn't be picky about this, based on the large number of pieces on Booksie I've read that are chock full of similar errors, but the quality of your writing deserves a polishing that will improve it from very good to great. Alice and Urja have pointed out some problems, and you, yourself, have offered constructive criticism to others (e.g.Bubbly), so I trust that my critique will not send you into a funk. Just needs some more proofreading, and the capitalization and punctuation miscues can be eliminated, so we can concentrate on your story. Incidentally, I was intrigued when you mentioned Sind(h?) in your intro. I first heard of that province when reading of the most concise military dispatch of all time, by British general Sir Charles Napier, in 1844, when he telegraphed, "Peccavi". Are you a Latin appreciator, perchance? Enjoyed your work. Now go take care of those typos!

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
thankyou so much for pointing out the mistakes. I cringe myself when i notice them but the thing is that i am a rotten typist. It takes me forever to get the thing to the level you already see. You have to admit even authors have editors and tons of other people for the proofreading LOL. I have no one else to show my work to, its a solo effort, so plz be patient with the typo's, right now i am churning out too many chapters i will get to it as soon as possible, i prominse.
By the way i have no problem with criticism especially when its well deserved, thanx. And no i havent read a lot of latin, i have read tolstoy and the older works such as stuff by homer but that is about it LOL.

swearing is bad for my works, but i guess you could pull it off better than i do. ;)

Posted: Jun 25, 2008

Author Comment:

Thankyou, i know swearing isn't that good but the fact is one has to use it when the situation demands, and you have to admit Adam's situation entitles the poor guy to vent some frustration LOL.

This is really really good. It's excellent writing. I still want to know your secret...LOL!! Poor Adam...I watched a movie with similar scenario of this story once. It was based in India. It was really good. I'm anxious to know if Adam is going to heed to the demands of his grandfather? Come on.....continue...I'm waiting.....in suspense!

Posted: Jun 27, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
Thank you. By the way what is the name of that movie, i would really like to watch it. Maybe it will give me idea's LOL. You will have to read the whole book before i tell you my secret LOL. By the way the next few chapters are going to be somewhat different, you will get to see a Pakistani wedding, believe me it is not something you should miss LOL.

When writing my comment I was trying to remember the movie, but couldn't remember it. I will think of it, and let you know. I know it was under the Foreign movie category. I love foreign movies.....anyway, I'll do some searching and try to figure out the name of it.

Posted: Jun 28, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanx LOL.

Let's see...it's really not that much, but I'll try a bit in the beginning:

1. Unfortunately (,) not long enough.
2. Adam swiftly rose to his feet and let the old rhino pass(. O)rdinarily he would have helped her with her payload, but today he decided to forego all social niceties.
3. Adam once again sat down, this time on the window seat(,) and gazed beyond it to the view it awarded. West Ealing, looked about the same as it always had(:) cramped, busy and dull. The same old small Indian, Pakistani and Afghani shops with a lonely little Woolworth’s or BHS thrown in here or there. Adam had always found it amazing how different this place seemed from South Kensington(,) where he rented his flat. The further the bus lumbered on the worse the view got, for it seemed as if London had been left far behind(. T)he surroundings resembled a mini Lahore, or Delhi or any other South Asian crap heap.
5. Turbaned, bearded Sikhs ambled across the sidewalks next to short dark women wearing a tent worth of clothing in the form of sari’s or shalwar something(. H)e didn’t even remember what the ridiculous dress was called.


I could do more later, but this gives you an idea. Someone told me a great trick for commas, which I swear by. Say the sentence out loud. Every time you pause for breath there should be a comma there. The other stuff was just the sentences getting too long. I just divided them up. One to the next chapter!

Posted: Jun 28, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much for taking the time out to do that, and thanx for giving me ur rule LOL i wont forget it.

haha this is GREAT!!! I actually have an arranged marriage so I totally relate with the situation! I love it and I want to read more.

Posted: Jun 29, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanx, Hey i am glad to find someone who has gone through this maybe i could ask a few questions next time LOL.

You're rite... the marriage of convience type of novel definetely gets old... however you manipulated this into something intriguing. Perhaps you adding a bit of comedy brightens up the picture. And I do ENJOY when a writer illustrates the story descriptive words and such. It makes the story a lot more interesting to read. I don't comment much on spellnig errors (unless it ruins the reading experience itself), but of course you know you made some.

As an American, it makes me see lifestyles and ways of doing such internationally and not just in the U.S... good work

Posted: Jun 29, 2008

Author Comment:

Thankyou very much. LOL i know about the spelling mistakes but i really don't have the time right now to look at it, i promise i will do it as soon as possible. Thanx for your encouragement, its such a huge compliment to know that i could turn something thats been done to death into something that people would enjoy reading LOL.

I am really intrigued by this story idea. I love it and I want to read more.

Posted: Jul 1, 2008

Azmat, I think you have a great storyline here, and it's beautifully written. I'm not big on editing but I know when I like something I've read. I could almost feel the tension in the room when Adam and his grandfather were speaking.

Posted: Jul 1, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much. The story might not be very original but i have tried to make it engaging by adding a unique twist in it. cross cultural stories are just soooooooo romantic LOL.

sooooo many comments! it took me forever to get down to this box! lol
ok well - i hope you don't mind a much shorter comment from me compared to last time. but i wanted to just give my thoughts on the chapter. i honestly don't have much critique.
let me begin by saying - that was one hell of an opening line! lol way to grab the reader! i leaned in to the screen and i was like "well that was certainly different" haha
i absolutely adore your writing style. it has a great flow to it, very smooth. and i got really into the story. when he was yelling at his grandfather, man i was like "daaaang he's mad" - but it was awesome how you wrote it! i was so caught up in the arguement! and i really felt sorry for adam. i wanted to give him a hug lol
grandfather sounds like a stubborn jerk... but he makes a great character and definately adds a lot to the story - even if i don't necessarily like him and the way he's treating adam.
the concept of arranged marriage is great. its so different... well at least, i find it to be. i've always heard about arranged marriages but i always thought that was way back a long time ago with kings and queens. i guess thats just b/c here in the states its different and we don't have that. so the concept of it i find to be really fascinating and it makes an excellent conflict for our protagonist ^^

i send my apologies for taking so long to get to this. i really am enjoying your novel - from the 2 chapters i've read. well, this one and the clip of one from the first posting. but yeah, its coming along great. yeah there were some punctuation mistakes... but i didnt take the time to fix them. i hope you don't mind. its just its rather time consuming -_-' but also, i usually correct typos b/c when i read something, if theres so many typos it takes away from the story - and that bothers me. but with your story - there 1) aren't that many and 2) they aren't that noticeable. so it doesnt bother me much AND your writing is strong, gripping, and excellent. i find that THAT in itself makes up for any sort of typo. but you can run through and check for typos. i'm sure you'll catch some here and there. there aren't many.

wow. i said i was going to keep this short lol
ok well i'm going to read more ^^

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
thanx Alice for reading this. I loved your comment. I know what you mean about the opening line, i have had a few complaints about the swearing but i honestly can't imagine how a hot blooded character like Adam is supposed to deal with this situation without at least using some curse words LOL. Come on people he has always had his own way LOL.
I know about the punctuation errors but i am so happy you liked it despite them, i makes me feel so good to know that they don't detract too much from the reading experience.
Yeah i know arranged marriages are a novelty in the west, that is why i wanted to write on this issue.
Hey i am so glad you like Adam, personally i like him a lot for some reason. He is just so irascible and cranky. But don't worry he can be very endearing and sweet too, not to mention SEXY, just wait for the next chapters. Be prepared to fall madly in love LOL.

Fuck!

Until I read your first (self)comment explaining that this was the ned of a chapter, I thought that opening was overly bold; to say the least. Two swear words in the first sentence certainly got my attention. I don't know what preceded them, so I don't know if they fit. I was going to say that you should add somthing like: . . . he shouted as he slammed the designer telephone receiver into its smooth cradle . . .
But, then again, maybe you already said something like that in the first half of the chapter.

Why not edit the summary at the beginning in order to warn the reader that this is not the beginning? Maybe you just wanted to grab our attention.

I think i might like this story if I wasn't forced to miss the opening. I hate missing the begionning of a film too.

craaig

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
hey craaig, this is the beginning. I know in the intro i said that i was posting part of chapter 1 but then i decided to post the whole of it. Personally i used the swear words as an attention grabber, i love novels where the readers are immediately plunged into the action. Believe me i read tons of romance fiction and that is how all of them often start, in fact in my opinion all stories should grab attention from the very beginning. If you have read the chapter you will definitely see why Adam is so furious LOL. Thanx for commenting by the way.

You are most welcome. Sorry, if I seemed angry in my previous message. I was also going to say that, as I read it, I could picture it as a big-budget Hollywood film . . .perhaps with a big Bollywood star in the lead?

If it is no longer true, why not delete your first self-comment, thereby avoiding misunderstandings in future.

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Yes you are absolutely right. i will do that LOL.

wow amazing story!

Posted: Jul 14, 2008

I'm really enjoying this so far! My Mum is an English teacher, so if you'd like to send any of your future chapters to me for proofreading puropses, I'd be glad to go over them. I'm not promising that I'd catch everything, but it's always good to have a second eye looking things over. I'm adoring the characters so far, and I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. Unfortunately, I'll only be able to read one chapter a day, seeing how large my reading list is at the moment. I will, however, make a concerted effort to look in on this every day. It's quite intriguing so far!

Posted: Jul 28, 2008

Author Comment:

Hello,
thankyou so much for your wonderful comment. I am so glad your mom is an english teacher, i would love to know what she thinks about this. I will be eternally in your debt if you could show this to her and tell me what she thinks LOL. I really need help from someone who understands writing.

this is good so i'm going to spend a bit of time giving you my feedback. here i go:

1. he's riding a bus at the beginning to his grandparent's house. but he's a millionaire honcho for a large multinational company. would he really be riding a bus? maybe, but seems a bit strange. you need to explain why he's on the bus - awful traffic, wants to take an old route out of nostalgia, etc.

2. some of your sentences are run-ons. make sure they don't go on too far.

3. you change point of view three times. first we have adam's pov, then it goes to his granmother, his grandfather, etc. it's recommended you keep each chapter to one pov. the whole thing can be told from adam's point without losing anything.

overall though, this is really good. you write well and the story is interesting. will read chapter 2 soon.

hope this helps.

- e

Posted: Aug 6, 2008

Author Comment:

thanx for your comment. Well i know what you mean about the millionaire thing, but the truth is that Adam is rather embarresed about his heritage. Added to that is the fact that South hall is not really an area where one drives a Bentley. But you are absolutely right i will mention that fact in the chapter, thanx for pointing it out.
As for the second thing i just want to say that personally i dont really like books where a whole chapter is from one person's point of view. I often feel bored when that happens, therefore i wanted to make the first chapter more fast paced, in the following chapters i have dedicated smaller chapters entirely to a protagonist's view but that comes later.
Hey and writing is about making your own rules, i dont want to follow every dictate of literature, that my dear would cramp my style LOL.

Holy shit............how did I miss this story for so long?????......Actually This story can be easily imagined by me since this incident is significant to India too......Actually I think India and pakistan are almost the same country.......I cant wait to read all the chapters........Keep writing..........

Posted: Nov 14, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanx, i am so glad you liked it. I know what you mean about India and Pakistan, believe me i have felt the same many times.



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