A very wise man by the name of Beverly Payton - a.k.a my older brother - once told me, "You can do whatever you want with your life kid. Find a pretty girl, join the wrestling team, kiss a monkey, I don't know. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be."
So then why have I been having a horrible time of admitting to myself that I like girls more than a nice veggie burger? Because, thus far, veggie burgers are winning. Not sayingI would ever marry one, but I don't think I would marry a girl either. Like, take this for example. I have an older sister who is absolutely the most beautiful girl on the planet. But I would never be able to see myeself with her. And it's not just because she's my sister and that would be awkward. But also it has to do with her gender.
I have girls who are friends and I've had a girlfriend before but it was never anything really... addicting about the relationships. Like how Beverly and Alexa are. I want that but I don't want it with the feminine mind. I want someone who's more like me in the sense of they understand what I want and how my brain functions. Women just don't get it.
Does that make the least amount of sense?
I'm happy beverly found his one and only, and, hey, if it's a woman 'cause that's what he like, yee haw for him. But I'm a little different.
The only problem with being different is that I'm having of a hell of atime admitting it to myself. I know I am, but I can't seem to accept it. It's not what I grew up with.
I checked out this book from the liabrary a couple weeks ago called How to Deal with Your Sexuality. Basically it helps kids who are struggling with who and what they like and gives you advice on how to accept yourself, how to tell your family, etc. I can easily say it didn't help me in the least.
So I went to the one person I knewI could trust.
"Hey Bev, can I tell you something whil Alexa's not here?"
My brother looked up from the salad he was making and gave me a half grin. "Sure. What's up that you need to talk man to man about?"
It was so nice having a brother. If I had a dad, I'm not sure I'd be able to talk with him about this. Beverly really was the one person I could trust most. "Well... Don't hate me. I think I might be gay..."
The spoons he was using to toss the salad dropped from his hands and stared at me with a 'how the hell did this happen?' look on his face.
"Are... Are you sure? This isn't like the time you said you were vegan then gave up after two days and decided to just be a vegetarian instead, is it?"
"Hey you try finding something to eat when you can't eat meat and can't eat anything that come's from an animal. It's not as easy as it sounds. And yes, I'm sure. Well... Kind of. I'm having a little trouble admitting it to myself."
Beverly picked his spoons back up and started working on the salad again."How do you mean?"
"I don't know. It's weird for me becuase, like, I'm so used to living in a world of straight people and somehow I know I'm not like you guys. It's just hard to admit because it's not what I'm used to."
"Have you told anyone else?"
I shook my head. And I didn't want to either. I knew I would have to eventually but when I still wasn't admitting it to myself, it wasn't a good time to admit it to others. I just knew I could trust Beverly more than anyone so that was the only reason I'd told him.
"Beverly you have to promise me you won't tell Alexa about this. Promise?" I held my pinky out to him.
He rolled his eyes. "I'm to oldto be pinky swearingkid." But he shook my pinky anyways.
As if one cue, Alexa walked in thedoor and into the kitchen. "Hey guys. So, Dyllon, they were out of the kind of veggie burgers you normally eat so I got you these MorningStar one'sinstead. Try them and tell me what you think. If you hate them then, well tough."
Beverly realeased my pinky and gave Alexa a soft kiss on her lips. Why couldn't I have someone hold me like that? This was so unfair.
"So," Beverly said, looking at me as Alexa took one of my burgers out of the box. "Any love instrests, D?"
"Ooh this should be interesting." Alexa grinned and put the box in the freezer.
"No, no love interests. Yet. The year is still young."
"Awe, no girls fallin' all over you? Your just so darn cute, I don't see why they aren't."
Because I don't want girls falling all over me.
But I couldn't tell Alexa that. Not yet.
We ate dinner in silence then Alexa's little sister Kimmy came over to stay the night. At six years old, Kimmy loved her sister and loved hanging out with her. And I think she was a little in love with Beverly. But she's six so it really doesn't mean anything.
Alexa and Beverly retired to their room early, probably to have a little to much fun with themselves, leaving Kimmy and I sitting in the living room watching TV. At about nine, Kimmy crawled onto my lap and fell asleep. I picked her up and carried her to the guest room then tucked her in and kissed her head. She was so cute.
After she was in bed I knocked on Beverly and Alexa's door and told them I was heading home. They said bye through the door - I was actually thanking my lucky stars they didn't open the door - and I left.
What a night.