It was nice... to float on worries. Worries that want to drown you but as long as oxygen is in your lungs, you shall stay afloat. I could feel the current of the water move with my body, the salty air that touched my tounge and the sun that blinded my eyes. I was alive. It was raining, drops of water plunged into the surface of the water forming upside-down-umbrellas. After a while, it wasn't raining anymore, it became a storm. The water was colder, the sun went back to bed and the clouds decked the sky. There was a hurricane. A big one. It became larger and larger untill it sucked me in and I was there.
Tubes and wires,
Flowers on the side table with an empathetic note,
The Man in the white coat had large eyes and gasped when my eyes met his. The woman in the corner was crying, Mom was shocked. I didn't know. I just didn't know. Why was I here? Where is the water? Why aren't I drifting now?
I went home. I saw the scratches on my back. Johnny again. The Medication was getting stronger and stronger but he was getting better. Or at least I wanted him to so badly that I believed it. He was once perfect. He used to kiss my forehead when I was drenched in my tears, he used to draw hearts on my back with his fingers in the morning when he scratches them now, he used to love me. Now, he still loves me.
But how can somebody love you when all they want is wish you the greatest possible pain you can bear, to the tip that you die? He is sick. He is not well. It was my birthday, we made love, got some crack, a little vodka in the mix and you get a car crash. Of course, I survived but he was the victim in this case.
He didn't even know who I was. But still everyday I see the great in him, I see the old Johnny. The lovely boy with those blue eyes.
It was a Tuesday, I went to go to the gym. I like the feeling of endorphins through my body. I then went to the hospital to pick up Johnny's medication. I went back home and saw mother there. She was wiping of the tears off Johnny's eyes... strange. I asked her to leave, I wasn't in the mood for her shit again.
Then I went to bed. I woke up and heard the doorbell. It was mom again. She wanted to help Johnny again. WTF? She always does this btw. I don't understand, always so late. I went back to bed and woke up again. Johnny was crying. I hugged him, he attempted to scratch me again and I kissed his hands. He started to moan. I don't care how he was, I love him. I rubbed his hair and he bit my arms. Bleeding again. I took my plasters and made him a sandwhich. He was probably hungry. I paitently stood there until he started screaming. What the hell? He was screetching, crying and rubbing his eyes. I looked at him. Shit it's bleeding. We rushed to the hospital. The Doctor said,"Love, no lenses in when going to bed". Lenses??? Johnny never wears lenses. The Doc said" It's okay, we got them out, just put these drops in daily." So I did. But I looked into his eyes. They weren't blue, they were dark brown. Still beautiful but not blue.
All this time I have been loving somebody who isn't Johnny.