Those two horrific words she'd forever loathed to hear, but always knew, of course, that they would one day come. And today, they came.
Those two words that changed her life forever.
Those two words...
She could feel it in her bones, the moment he left her. The world held no more warmth. No more happiness. Not for her, at least. The air became stale, and hard, as if the molecules had banded together to suck the oxygen from her lungs, and choke her with her own sorrow. Even breathing hurt without him.
Connor. Her Connor.
Her eyes blinked open, searching the cold, dark room for her family. She sighed, relieved that they weren't there. She did not want them around for what she was about to do. Her eyes fell to the bed. He was gone.
They'd taken him.
Where had they taken him? To the coroners. The room blackened ominously.
They were going to burn her Connor. She hadn't even said goodbye. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she stood on shaky legs.
"Oh, Connor..." She whispered, tracing her hand along the edge of his pillow. Her mother. She'd been the one to take him away from her. She'd never approved of her daughter's choice. Connor was what some may call 'low class', whereas the Dantes family was the highest it got.
His status had nothing to do with it.
She padded across the cold, tiled floor, which had grown colder with his passing.
Everything had grown colder.
Most of the lights were off in the hospital at this time. Being in an extremely small town, the hospital was rarely packed with patients, and almost never at night. The full moon cast shadows against the pale blue walls, creating an eerie glow.
She looked like a ghost in her long white wedding gown. Of course, she hadn't showered or even changed her clothes in days. How could she? Her parents had tried to shove food down her throat, but she'd always pushed them away, her thoughts consumed in the man lying across from her. Five more minutes, and they would've been married.
"Until death do us part, my love," She whispered, easily finding the door to the roof. Her steps became light as she ascended the stone steps. It seemed as if she was floating.
She'd be floating soon enough.
Her breath hissed out between her clenched teeth, growing more shallow as she opened the cold, metal door. The night air swarmed to her, holding her in it's freezing grasp.
Perhaps for an eternity.
In a few steps she had reached the edge of the five story building. Below her, the ground shone, slick with new rain. It had finally let up only minutes ago. The lights of Ashford, Washington shone in the distance, as if calling her to them.
Just one more step...
Something pushed her back, it's grip around her lungs was tight. She struggled to suck air through her lungs, her eyes wide as she realized she was having an asthma attack.
No. This was wrong. This was not asthma. Asthma was tiring, and hot. This was cold, as if she'd been plunged into the middle of the ocean, and was being dragged down by the unknown. No. This was not asthma.
This was Connor.
"Connor?" She asked, tears brimming in her eyes. The cold choking stopped abruptly, startling her. She almost choked on her own excitement, and confusion. "Connor?" She cried, even more urgent. Her knees buckled under her, forcing her to the ground. She ignored the pain in her feet and searched the night air in front of her.
She heard a whisper on the wind. It was not a voice, but the sound of something...falling?
She looked up, her gaze catching on a piece of old parchment falling towards her. She held out her hand, and it fell directly into her palm, face down.
She peered down at it, a frowned etched on her brow. Slowly, she turned the parchment over. The first thing she noticed was the small cursive letters. Connor had always had a very unique style of writing. His r's had flowed into the entire word, whether the 'r' was at the end or in the middle. His 'v's were more wide at the tip, rather than narrow. And his 'e's were arched and elongated.
Her hands shook as she read the words on the old, tainted parchment.
Forgive me for leaving you. You looked so peaceful, as you always do when you sleep. Your little cheeks were tinted pink, as if you were blushing. Your eyebrows were pushed together. Were you dreaming, my love?
Your small hand rested under your left cheek, holding your head up. Your legs were curled up against you in that small, uncomfortable chair, and yet, you still seemed to be perfectly content.
In that moment, you were more beautiful than I'd ever seen you. Your wedding gown was gorgeous, almost as gorgeous as was the woman wearing it.
She blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. Was this truly happening?
I know you like the back of my hand, my love, and so I know that you will worry more than you need to. I am fine. I am happy, and I am almost complete. I need to know that you will be happy, my baby. I need to know that you will live an amazing life, like you always have, although I will not be there.
I want to know that you will love again, as you have loved me.
I want you to know that I love you, and that I will always love you, no matter what you do, or how you look.
You are beautiful to me, love.
She cried out with pain. Her entire body hurt, and her heart felt as if it were about to split in two. A heart-wrenching sob tore from her throat as she crumpled to the ground, in a heap.
"Please!" She cried, her tear stained face looked up at the sky. "Don't leave me here!". In return, the sky darkened, opening up. Rain poured down on her sobbing form as she flattened out the letter that had been crumpled in her hand.
The water washed away his words, along with it, her heart.
"No." She whispered, pulling the parchment to her chest. Her makeup ran down her face, staining her white dress with black. She stood on shaky legs and once again stepped towards the edge of the roof.
This time, the cold grip didn't stop her. She stood, half her feet already over the edge. She closed her eyes, trying to gain courage. No use giving up now.
Suddenly, an idea popped up in her grieving head. What if she could write back?
Abruptly, she stepped back from the edge, relief flooding over her. It wouldn't last long though. She would write to him, to say she loved him, and then jump. After all, how could she live without him?
She pulled out the paper, trying to shield it from the lightening rain. It had faded to a drizzle. She searched herself for a pen she could use, but found none. Her hope began to fall as she looked around herself for something to use. More tears fell down her cheeks, creating trails in the dried old ones. A gleam of silver caught her eye.
There, right in front of her, was a silver and blue pen. Hopefully it worked.
She reached for it, stumbling slightly, but regaining her balance as she positioned herself against the ledge. She placed the parchment against her knee and began to write. Thankfully, the pen worked.
You left me.
I told you to keep fighting, but you left me.
Quickly, she stood, her legs long since ceased their shaking. She faced the edge once again, and held out her hand, letting the parchment drift away on the wind.
For moments, that seemed like hours, she stood, staring at where the parchment had disappeared. The sunset cast an orange glow over her, stretching her shadow. Would it never set? She wondered, as she looked down at her hands.
Finally, after more moments, she heard the familiar, and yet welcomed sound of something floating on the air.
She reached up, knowing that it would land in her hand easily.
She grasped it tightly as she lowered it to eyelevel. Once again, it was face down in her palm. Impatiently, she flipped it over, her eyes adjusting enough to read.
I could never leave you. You are as much a part of me as my own beating heart. As much a part as my liver, my teeth, my ribs. You are me. How could I leave you?
True, I may have left you physically, but you once said, that we had a sort of psychic connection.
You remember that one time that you got in a car accident when you let Becky drive? That day I was at football practice. Coach Stevens would not stop talking about how we failed at the last game, and on his team, 'failure' wasn't in the vocabulary. I remember the heart-wrenching pain I suffered the moment your car hit the other one. It was as if fire coiled it's hand around my heart and squeezed. And I knew, in that instant, that you needed me. Well, I tell you, Coach never saw me run that fast in my entire life.
You see? It's more than physical. You can survive without my flesh and blood in your presence, because I will always be there, with you, in you. In everything you do.
I love you.
As soon as her eyes past 'Reid', she flipped the paper over and wrote:
I do remember that day. I remember the first person I wanted to see when I woke up, and you were there, right in front of me, holding my hand and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. That was the first time you told me you loved me. That was the day I realized I loved you too. I'm sorry I didn't say it, though. I was confused, and it seemed everything was moving so fast. But you know now that I do love you.
Yes, you are a part of me. I can feel you around me, even when you're not here. Do you realize, my love, that ever since we met, you've been very protective of me. I'm sure you don't since you were always oblivious to your actions. That's what I loved about you most. It showed me that you cared more about me than you did yourself. Whenever I felt bad, or was having a bad day, I felt your arms wrap around me, and your head lean on my shoulder, even though you were hours away.
I love you, Connor.
Do you remember when we first met? Do you remember what you said?
She threw the parchment into the air and eagerly awaited her next letter. Finally, it came.
Yes, you were wearing a beautiful, teal, silk shirt that matched your eyes, and a pair of long, dark jeans. You were quite fond of your little, silver high heels. I even remembering you telling Kara how professional you felt wearing them.
Your hair was curly, and longer than it is now. It fell almost to your waist, a mass of black curls and hairspray. You smiled all day, and always had something witty to say. I knew I liked you when I heard you crack your first joke in my presence. Your face lit up as if someone were shining a flashlight behind your head.
I remember I came back a couple hours later to get your number, and I found you in the corner of the room, tears streaming down your eyes. The image was heartbreaking. I knew I would have killed to have you happy again. I sat down beside you and asked what was wrong. I remember, you didn't even look at me. You were embarassed to be crying in front of me. Your beautiful cheeks were stained with red.
Yes, she remembered. He'd wiped her tears. He'd soothed her, and instantly, she'd liked him.
You told me that you'd been embarassed in front of all your friends, and you didn't understand why. You asked, and i'm not sure if you'd been asking me, why you deserved this judgement. Why you deserved this prejudice. This cruelty.
I told you that nothing can touch you, unless you let it touch you. And everything can hurt you if you open your heart to it.
Ever since that day, no one bothered you again. Whether that was due to the fact that you finally chose to ignore it, or I punched Johnnie Mayer after school, you never let it get to you again. You moved on, just as you must do now.
I love you.
I hope you liked my story. I liked it. Of course, it's not done yet, obviously - but I'm really tired, and I wanted to post something tonight. Anyways, I hope you listened to the music that came with the story - cause I think it's just so amazing. That's LaraFabian singing Caruso, everybody. Lara Fabian!! yay! Anyways, please, please comment - because I can't know if it's good or bad if I don't get comments. Thanks!!
Always, and forever yours,