Chapter 10: Who is Dylan Ford
He was looking at me. Everything was so intense! He turned away from me.
"I'm sorry, Jess, but you don't want this! Believe me!"
"How do you know what I want?"
"Because I know that nobody wants this!"
"Nobody wants what? Are you ever going to answer my question?" I asked.
"Jess…" he tried to get away again!
"No! You know what, Dylan? Forget it! You don't want this, just tell me! We never have to talk again! Good night!" I said opened the door and went home.
I sat down on the steps of our front door. I didn't want my dad or my brother to see me like this. I was a mess! I wanted to cry! Why didn't he tell me? Didn't he like me? Didn't he want me? Wasn't I good enough? I burst into tears… I just couldn't stop crying! I was shaking! Oh, why didn't he trust me? Why wouldn't he tell me what it was that was keeping him away?
"Jessy?" I heard my brothers voice behind me. Oh no! "Are you ok?" he asked and sat next to me. "Are you crying? What happened?"
"I'm not crying, Jack!" I said and looked away.
"What happened? Tell me everything? Did someone hurt you in some way? I'll go kick his ass!"
I laughed. "No, Jack nothing happened. I just had a fight with… Abby!"
He raised his eyebrows. "A fight with Abby makes you cry out of our front door at…" he looked at his watch "two in the morning? Seriously? I don't believe that!"
"Oh, Jack, let it go!" I said and walked into the house.
"I'm not letting it go, Jess! Since we came here you behave strangely! Your mood is never good. You have all these weird friends… You come home in the middle of the night… Dad has noticed these things! He is very concerned!"
"Yes, he is! And I am to, so I'll have to tell him what happened?"
"No, Jack you are my brother! You will not tell dad that you found me crying out the door! It's just that the boy I like doesn't want to be with me!"
"What about Kith?"
"Kith and I are over!"
"Since he stopped calling me!"
"Did you try to call him?"
"No, but… I'm the one who left! He should be calling!"
"Oh, Jack just get over it, ok? I am going to sleep now!"
The next morning, my dad and Jack started lecturing me again about the "kind of life that I lived here" and how bad it was. And while I was not listening to them I made some serious decisions! First: I would not talk to Dylan Ford again. Second: I would try to contact Kith! Third: I would try not to follow my dad's orders for a while! Last thing I wanted was to fight again…
On Monday when I went to school I had decided not to talk to Dylan again but five seconds after I entered the school he was in front of me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me with him.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Do you want to skip school for today? I need to talk to you?" he was too serious.
Oh… that was against my rules! If my dad found out I had skipped school he would definitely punish me! But there was Dylan, amazingly perfect with his blue eyes begging me to say yes.
"I decided to tell you what you want to know!" he whispered the magic words and every doubt I had about following him was gone.
"Fine!" I said
"Let's take my car!" he decided, we walked to his car and got in.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked.
"My place!" he said.
"Wouldn't your parents have a problem with that?"
"Well, since my mom left us when I was six, I don't think she would… Now, about my dad… he must be still sleeping! I'm sure my step-mother won't even notice us!"
Wow! That was a lot of information. Dylan's mom left him? His dad remarried? And obviously, Dylan does not have a good relationship with her! He said she wouldn't notice us. I tried not to look surprised.
"Do you think you'll be uncomfortable in my house?" he asked.
I thought about it. This was all to messed up to talk about it at his house with his father and his step mother around.
"Forget it! I'll take you somewhere else!" he said and turned the wheel.
About half an hour later we were in a meadow. He got out and took a deep breath. Everything was yellow around us! It was still the first days of Autumn.
"What are we doing here?" I asked, looking around me, after I got out of the car.
"I come here when I want to think! Nobody comes here with me! Ever! I brought you here for two reasons: First reason, I know I'll feel more comfortable and talking to you will be a lot easier here! And second, to show you how special you are to me! You are the first person who comes here with me, because I never trusted anyone else like you! I don't know why! It's instinct…"
My heart raised. I smiled shyly. Did he actually mean all these? I wanted to kiss him so bad. I went close to him and put my hands on his shoulders ready to kiss him but he turned away.
"I'm in love with you!" he said. "Jess, I don't want to lose you! But if you do this… it will be harder for both of us!"
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I'll be completely honest with you! I will tell you everything and when I am finished you'll tell me if you still want to be with me or not?"
"Dylan my feelings for you are not going to change because of an…"
"Just listen to what I have to say! There are not a lot of people who know this story… and it's hard for me to say it!"
"Ok, go on!" I encouraged him.
"When I was six years old, as I told you before my mother left us. My dad and I were alone. It was too hard on him. I remember him drinking all day. He became an alcoholic! Sometimes… he became… violent! But I was too young to remember this clearly. I deleted most of it of my memory after it happened."
Oh my God! That was bad. I felt like I wanted to hug him, to hold him and tell him that it was going to be ok, but he seemed too focused at the story so he could say it so I decided not to interrupt.
"When I was twelve, my dad remarried, with this… human being… Kate Bars. She hated me since the first moment. But that was not the worst part! I'd been through a lot more than her crazy obsession for me not to speak when she is in the same room and for me not to eat with them! The bad thing is that she convinced my dad that I was all he had from mom and I was keeping him behind. That was when my dad and I lost every connection. He barely spoke to me!"
"Oh… I'm sorry…." I said.
"That' when…" he hesitated. "When I first tried to… commit suicide."
I couldn't speak. He tried to kill himself? How bad could things at home have been? Oh my poor Dylan… I looked at him. He was looking at my face waiting for a response. I did not know how to react! How could I? I didn't want to look shocked but I did not want to look like I'm not interested either! I tried to touch him but he took a few steps back like he didn't want me to and I pulled my hand fast.
"That was when I first got diagnosed with the worst form of depression!" he added.
Was there more?
When I got home after a few days I did it again, so they took me to a clinic and kept me in for ten months and eight days! When dad took me back home I faced problems at school… you know, people had heard the story, they thought I was a psycho and did not want to hang out with me of course. I felt alone and reacted bad. My depression got worse again and my dad started drinking over again. I felt so terrible that I had caused that to my dad that I tried to kill myself for the third time!"
I covered my mouth. That was messed up!
"I got out of the clinic a year and seven months ago! I'm better but I'm not completely over the depression yet! That's it! You can run away screaming, now! Everybody does!"
I couldn't speak. I was frozen and speechless. What can you say to a person who's been through this? Maybe that was the right time to tell him I wanted to be with him no matter what his past was but did I? I mean, I was in love with him but this was too messed up! He was mentally sick! He tried to kill himself three times and he was suffering from depression! What if I did something and made this worse by mistake, if we were together. I would not know how to handle him! I couldn't take this kind of responsibility! Or… could I?
"I knew it!" he said "I knew you would react like this! You are just like everybody else!" he said.
"But I didn't say anything!" what was he talking about?
"Come on! You should see your face! You are sorry for me! I don't need you to pity me! I've had enough of this!" he said angrily. He scared me. His mood changed so fast.
"I don't pity you! I am just trying to understand what you've just told me!"
He looked me in the eyes "Do you still want to be with me?" he asked me. "Do you?"
I hesitated. I needed time to think! I could not make a choice like this. "Dylan…"
"I get it!" he said and got in the car.
"Dylan, wait! I never said I don't want to be with you! Just give me a second to…"
He started the car and left.
"Dylan!" I called his name crying!
Where was he going? I got scared! Maybe I should have handled this differently! He wasn't going to try and harm himself again, was he? He looked so hurt and angry. Oh! I got on my knees and prayed. Oh, just let him be ok!