I was very disappointed, knowing I failed at death. I crept into the bathroom, and found a razor. Maybe I would bleed to death…I placed the blade on the edge of my wrist, and pushed down a little bit. It hurt, so I put my toothbrush handle in my mouth, and bit down as I re-attempted to make myself bleed. I began to push harder onto my skin, and the lines slowly turned red and drizzled out the red liquid. As I saw this, I wasn't disgusted with myself for doing it, I felt actually pleased, looking at this…beautiful…red…thick liquid now dripping off the side of my arm. I felt like my sin was just washed off and disappeared. Why was I feeling this joy in my pain…? I did not know. But I did know that I was strong enough to fight my pain and enjoy it.
Cutting myself had became a habit for the next few weeks, hiding them of course was difficult, but it was so worth it, all of the pain. I broke up with Austin…because we had become so distant from each other.
I had difficulties hiding them sooner, because they had become even worse and all over my body. Cutting myself had become so amazing it was like an orgy party. A bloody orgy party, with only myself. Ha-ha. Okay, yeah I was so lame. Whatever why do you care? I was slowly becoming worse in life, now I had started to try things....like weed.
"Ohhh my god I could really use some chocolate right now--chocolate and peanut-butter. Whoa!! I can make a kick-ass profit if i combine chocolate and peanut-butter into a little candy!!"
I giggled, in my poor, pathetic, hallucinating-high druggie self-contained room. Only I being there-it was not crazy- honest!!
Sooner after, I tried Acid with my friend Tweak. We all call him that, but no one knew why. I needed to keep my sanity, so I started a diary.
Dear Diary, yesterday i made a nuew kind of candiey, and its chocolate and penut buter. i dont get what my problem is and i cant spell worth crap. i had to go to the hospital this morning, and i said my dog had problems playing to rouff with me. what time is it? like you wuldkno and tell me HAHA!! i learned what asid was. or is it spellt acid? idk. its like coke and meth and some other stuff i guess. funky huh? well i gotta go i have munchies more crasy than a blonde gurl and a fat kid and cake. with a whore. doing it. with one of those cops that realy are stripers. those ones are cool. okay wel i am gonna go. bye!!
Shut the hell up and ignore it. Lol. Is there no help for me?
No reason to do much, i just called tweak to get me some stuff. He came over to my place and we smoked some.--and my smoke alarm went off. Me and Tweak ran downstairs and told my mom it was just the candles' smoke and she should leave us be so we could have some alone time. She bought it. While we were in my room locked away, Tweak looked at me and said, "Have you ever fucked while you're high? --just a question, not a proposition....unless you want to." i looked him and smiled. "no," I said, flirtatiously, "but I'd love to." he kissed me and held his arms around my waist and slid his hands down to my ass, and we made love, like peanut-butter and chocolate does.
Dear diary, last nite was amasing!! i had sex with him and i am happiey now so happiey!! i think i kno what to do when im high now!! well i have to go wake him up :P okay bye!!
Well I went to wake him up--and he was gone. he was in the bathroom lol. he looked at me later and said he had to go home. he left, leaving me alone, and down. Drowning in my heart.
"God, no please no!!"
"...Thank-you for calling..."
Turned out...he was hit by a public bus, and died. I was the last one he talked to, according to his phone.