I just sat there like an inanimate object. People came and went. They said something. But who was really listening? Even patted my back for some reason. I just sat there feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because feelings didn’t matter anymore, life didn’t matter anymore. Nothing really mattered now. All the dreams that I had ever dreamt are lost. So why am I still here? I should be down there in the coffin beside his. I should be lying cold and still just like he is. I should be with him even in death. Because that’s what we swore once upon a lifetime ago.
I kept staring at the coffin, hoping some emotion would come through. I was trying hard to feel sad, to feel hurt and pain but I had already cried so much over the past two days that there was nothing left. I just kept repeating our moments together again and again and again in my head. I knew I was acting pathetic but who cared anymore?
My best friend Lynn shook me a couple of times before I returned back to the world of the living.
“It’s time to say goodbye. They are going to bury him.” She said in a low whisper afraid the water-works would start just about any minute.
I nodded and followed her lead. I could see people crying. His mom and dad who had only known him for six years of his life stood there huddled together crying their heart out. They should get a grip! I mean after being his girlfriend of six years if I’m handling myself then his foster parents should definitely just shut the fuck up!
I must’ve had some horribly angry expression on my face because Lynn squeezed my hand and shook her head. I calmed myself and left Lynn’s hand and took a step ahead. This was it. The last time I was ever gonna see him. I peered through the now open coffin for the first time since the past two hours I had been standing beside it. I just couldn’t find the courage before. How could I just let go? How can six years of love, friendship, promises and dreams be said good bye to in a matter of minutes? But how can I hold on either?
It’s your final chance Vanna. Say it now before you regret losing this last chance you have. I mentally slapped myself and finally looked at his cold, pale body lying there on the wood peacefully. He is finally free of the pain. He is finally free of all responsibilities and shit the world put on him. He is finally free of everything. Thus the last smile on his face.
I know death is better, easy, peaceful, painless. I hated watching him in pain like that. I hated it when the doctors couldn’t do a thing. But that did not mean I wanted him dead. No. I wanted a miracle. Some magic potion, a magic charm, a spell anything! Some way to make it all fine. To make him alright. But I couldn’t find a thing, I couldn’t do a thing. And that’s why he sleeps there peacefully in his coffin, free from life while I live all alone.
He expects me to move on. He asked that one final promise from me in his last few breaths. How could have I denied him that? People expect me to move on. After all I’m just twenty one! I have what they say ‘an entire life filled with opportunities lying ahead of me’. But can someone, anyone tell me how the hell am I supposed to move on when someone who was supposed to hold your hand and guide you all along has suddenly deserted you! You can’t move on from something like that. You can pretend you have. Hell you can even find someone bearable enough to spend the rest of your life with! But you don’t move on. You can never move on. No matter how much or how hard you try.
I finally placed the red rose over his chest and whispered in the tiniest of voice, “Maybe I’d love again, but I’d still always love you Alan. Always.”
And then I turned around and buried myself in my mom’s arms crying out again. I thought it had stopped. But I guess pain only subsides it never really goes away.