I know it has been a while since I last spoken to you. I know I am not your favorite person either. I did wrong, and I could never take that bad. I’ve hurt you, and forced you to do things you didn’t want. I will never forgive myself for everything. I’m sorry.
I know you don’t want to hear from me. I don’t even know if you’ll ever read this. I needed to write it. I loved my son. I will always love him. I will always love you. You gave me that time of happiness; even if you did have the happiness I did. I’m sorry for that as well. You have really been on my mind lately. I just needed to get my thoughts out.
Ana, understand that I still care for you even though Ryder is gone. He really loved you. I don’t see how he couldn’t have. You are an astonishing person. I’ve tainted that, I stole your innocence. It will forever be my sin that will send me to hell. I just want you to know, I care. I’m not as coldhearted as you thought. My heart is broken from the pain I’ve caused you.
I want you to know that I visit Ryder’s grave frequently. I know that is a sour subject for you. I like to put calla lilies on his tombstone. I know they were your favorite. I do switch it up when it comes to holidays and his birthday. I put yellow and black roses on his birthday. I knew how much it would mean to you. I may have lost my child but I lost you too. The hardest part of that, I don’t think I’ll ever get you back. Not in a way that is romantic or sexual. I just want you to know that I care for you.
I understand what I did wrong. I lost me my family. I will forever regret that. I have enclosed some money for you to get something nice for your birthday. I want it to be nice. If you need more, I can send it. If you need anything, Ana, I will give it to you in a heartbeat. I notice that you haven’t touched your account that I set up for you. I don’t care if you never touch it. The money will never dry up. It’s yours. It’s not pity money. It was never pity money. I just want you to know that. I hope you read this.
Zander looked up at me from then letter. “Ana.” I shrugged.
“I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. Damn it, Z. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone?” Zander wrapped his arms around me, holding me close.
“He cares for you. That’s why. He wants what’s best for you.” I turned to look at him. “I hate him for what he did to you. But he realizes what he did.”
“I don’t hate him for what he did. I don’t. It’s not his fault. My mother is a succubus. She’s out to hurt everyone. He was just caught in the crossfire.” I turned back to the food I was cooking.
“I don’t know what to say.” I smiled at him.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore. Everything in the past couple years has just made me lost who I thought I was. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I feel I’m drowning and no one’s there to save me. What am I supposed to do?” Zander counted the money fast looking up at me.
“There is over 5,000 dollars in here. You don’t toss this money out to people you don’t care about, even if you have it to burn.” I swallowed as I hurt the sound of car doors slamming outside.
“I’m drowning, Z. You have to save me.” I said as the food was finished.
“Annie! We’re back.” Matty said holding his pillow in his arms. He looked at Z sitting at the table and dropped his pillow and folded his arms staring at him. “Who are you?” He asked his big eyed look on him.
“I’m Zander. I’m Annie’s friend.” His face didn’t change making Zander’s smile grew. “I got you something. But you have to promise to be good for your sister.” Matty dropped his ‘Who are you, Buddy?’ look and his eyes started to gleam with excitement.
“Okay.” He giggled bouncing on his heels. Finn walked in with my bag and Matty’s on his shoulder. “What is it?” He smiled walking over to him. Zander walked over where he dropped his bag. He pulled out a box and handed it to him. “What is it?” He gasped looking at me. I wiped my hands on my pants and walked over to him. I looked at the box.
“It’s a fun tablet you can play games on.” His mouth was wide open at me. “It’s like my phone but bigger.” He hugged it close to him jumping up and down.
“Thank you!” He giggled at Z. Z smiled back happily at him as Matty handed the box to me to open.
“I’m not done. I got more.” Matty gasped and turned looking at him wide eyed.
“More! What!” He was like the energizer bunny. Zander pulled out a kid safe camera for him.
“It’s to take pictures to send to Daddy.” He smiled at me.
“Daddy loves pictures.” Matty said taking the box from him and handing it to Finn. “Open please.” Finn shook his head smiling.
“Last one.” Zander pulled out a new Leappad for him.
“It’s so you can read. It will help you learn.” I swear Matty’s mouth was going to fall off. He loves stories. I just can’t always read them to him. “Open it, open it, open it.” He gasped pulling at Zander’s arms. Zander opened it for him and turned it on. The one thing no one would ever guess is Zander loves kids.
“What do you say?” I smiled at Matty as he clicked it.
“Thank you, Ander.” He walked to the living room forgetting about everything else.
“You’re spoiling him.” I said pushing Z taking the garbage from the two of them.
“I want to spoil him. It’s fun.” I shook my head.
“You made his month.” Zander walked to the fridge. “Finn?” He looked over at me. “You alright?” I asked picking up the envelope with the letter and the money in it. He nodded. I nodded my head towards my bedroom. He followed me putting my bag on my bed. “What’s wrong?” He sat down rubbing his hands over the back of his head.
“Why aren’t you with him?” He looked up at me. “Why are you with me?” I put the envelope on the nightstand and sat down on his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.
“Because I like you. I love Zander, but I’m not in love with him.” He wrapped his arms around me in response.
“Why?” I shrugged.
“I just never loved him like that. He was always there, but it was like a brother. Not a lover.” I laid my head on his shoulder. “You make my stomach have butterflies in it. I never had that before. I like it.” I snuggled my face into his shirt. “It’s nice.”
“You are adorable.” I smiled up at him.
“I try.” I kissed him.
“Annie! I’m hungry!” Matty said walking into the room with his new Leappad in his hands. “Dinner?” He asked looking at me. I got off Finn’s lap and walked towards him.
“Sure, it’s done. Let’s go eat.” I put my hands on his back leading him towards the kitchen. “Sit down.” I smiled at him as we all sat down to dinner.
“You made one of my favorites.” Zander smiled sitting down next to Matty.
“What can I say? I’m a people pleaser.” I winked getting out some drinks.
“What are you going to do about Ben, Ana?” Zander asked as Finn came into the room.
“I don’t know. Half of me feels like I need to see him. To let him explain what happened. But the other half wants him to go away so I never have to see him, or deal with him again.” I shrugged sitting down as Finn put the pot with dinner in on the table.
“Who?” I looked up at Finn as he blinked at me. I nodded over to the letter on the table.
“You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to.” I sighed putting the food on mine and Matty’s plate.
“I feel like I have to.”
“It’s closure. It’s what you want.” Finn said looking up from the letter. “You want to know what changed his mind.” He put the letter down and sat down.
“Probably. But what do I do?” He looked at me.
“You need to talk to him. It’s for the best, for both of you.” I looked down at my food.
“I’ll have to do it in person. I can’t do that over the phone. It’s been years.” Zander looked at me a piece of pasta hanging out of his mouth.
“Come back with me. You’ll be able to see him.” I shook my head.
“I can’t. I have to wait till Danny’s back. I have to go to school.” Finn rubbed my back.
“I’ll be able to get you there when you need. Just tell me.” I looked over at Z. “Whenever.” I nodded.
“Okay. I’ll do it.” I smiled at him. Finn cleared his throat making us all look at him.
“Are you up to going out with me tomorrow night?” He blushed moving the food on his plate.
“As in a date?” I smiled at him as he nodded shyly at me. “I’d love to.” He beamed at me making me blush. What this boy does to me, let me tell you.