Today I woke up at 6pm and barely got any sleep thanks to last night. I got up and ate breakfast and soon saw my mom wasn't home. I quickly got my things together and cleaned myself up. I was wearing a plain long sleeve t-shirt and jeans. I put my hair down wearing no accessories. I sighed and decided not to wear my fake glasses.
"This is as good as it is going to get." I said to my self as I checked myself out in the four-foot mirror. I hurried off and looked back in my house smiling to myself. I hurried to the bus stop wondering if Carmen and Spike would be joining me on the bus. Of course they aren't, but still. When the bus came all the spots in the back were taken. I looked around for a seat but no one was willing to give me one. All the blondes and popular Asians were in the back making kissy faces to the popular jocks. Once one of them spotted me they giggled whispering into each other's ear, most likely pointing out to one another that my outfit to was too plain or too tomboyish. I sat alone in the front and listened to the suck ups make friends with the bus driver Mrs. Louis. I sighed and now I had no clue what to say in my essay. I had to start today. I had to.
When I go to school more giggling, more annoying comments about how I looked, more people ignoring me, and more people avoiding eyes contact. To tell you the truth almost every one of the people in my school were either average, better then average, or beautiful in our school. If anyone didn't reach those standards then the schools most popular student Grant Hollard would see to it that you be expelled. He was the President of the school, voted soon to be prom king, almost every star in every sport, and has gone out with almost every girl in the school, anyone even worth going out with for even 2 minutes any ways. I sit next to him during Science and have P.E and English with him. The only things I've ever heard him say to me were "Can I have a piece of paper?" "Can I borrow a pencil?" or "What is the answer to number 5?" I never responded with my voice to him so I doubt he would recognize me if I called him on the phone. If someone said my name he would ask 'who?' But if someone said science girl he would vaguely know whom he or she are talking about, so I chose to keep my distance from him.
When first period came, math, I sat alone. We were allowed to choose our own seating in that class so I was exiled from the group to the corner. It was like this everyday, every class that didn't have assigned seating. Second period was World history I kept my head down in the back. I didn't want to look at anyone other then the teacher. I was in the back alone. We all had partners. I was advanced and didn't have the same assignments as the others so I was left alone and did separate work from them. I was doing my work as everyone else talked and mingled. The thing I listened to was the sound of the door shutting. I thought it would be Carmen walking in taking all the fire and all that so I ignored it. I heard mumbling and footsteps knowing she would sit by the popular kids. I looked down hoping she wouldn't see me so she wouldn't tell everyone about the scene made by my mother and I last night. Then the seat next to mine moved and my heart thumped, and then I heard his voice.
"Hello Miss Nameless." A soothing male voice said.
I looked up and saw that beautiful pale face, raven black haired, and eyes, which looked more like an lime green color rather then a dark green which was the color last night. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. Then I realized I was staring at him. He was smiling again looking like a model, without realizing it. I could have just taken a picture.
"S-Spike! Ahh um ahh." I said fidgeting and stuttering. He laughed at my face, which was getting redder by the minute. That's when I realized everyone staring at us. Soon we were the up-roar of the class. There was only eight minutes of class time left and the teacher allowed us to talk. Most likely he stopped caring and he wanted to get some sleep.
"Hi." Spike said smiling his very white teeth.
"Spike I told you to call me Jessie...you!" he held out his hand and that's when I felt he was reading my mind.
"I didn't tell anyone about last night and I won't...Jessie" he whispered knowing if anyone heard what he was saying they might take it the wrong way.
"Ahh yes...thank you." I said putting my stuff away.
"Why are you so late?" I asked. Gulping down my nervousness.
"My mom got lost." He said getting slightly closer to me.
"Why didn't you take the bus?" I said getting a little bit farther away from him.
"Heh yeah we didn't know where it was."
"You could've asked me."
"Yeah I even told my mom that I wanted to but my mom didn't want to bother you or your mom after that scene yesterday." He said looking at me without a smile.
"Oh...Yeah I'm sor-" I said not finishing. He put his finger on my lips and smiled.
"No need to apologize you did enough of that yesterday did you not?" He said making me blush.
"Ah yeah...I guess I'm a little embarrassed about last night."
"No need to. I thought by telling me what you do, I've found you to be a very interesting person who turned out to be better then expected." He said looking at me not completely turned in my direction closer to me then before.
"What are you talking about?" I said barely realizing how close he was. But before he could answer the bell rang and everyone left staring at us. I stayed in my seat and he stared at me. With his eyes slightly open and his mouth curved half way to a half smile. A little creepy to me but he was still very irresistible. He got up and leaned in next to me and whispered.
"For another time I'm afraid." He said walking or more like strutting away.
"Perhaps we will walk home later." He said exiting. I sat there in shock for a few second and then realized I only had 2 minutes to get to class. I ran out, to my locker, then to my next class, Gym. Which passed quickly, but there were people staring and who made comments about me. Comments like ‘How did she talk to him?' or ‘she probably did something to get his attention.'
I wonder what they think 'something' is. After that was lunch. I went to follow my regular schedule to sit by myself like always. I went to get lunch and put my lunch down. Today's menu was nachos or salad covered with dehydrated vegetables, I choose nachos. That's when I noticed I forgot my napkins. I walked over passing Grant and his friend's table who were staring at me and grabbed some napkins. When I went to grab some napkins, I noticed everyone in line glaring at me and whispering to people next to them giggling. I walked back and passed by Grant's table and tripped on something and fell right on my face. That's when the whole lunchroom began to laugh. I looked over and saw Grant had tripped me, that's why those people in line were laughing I thought to myself. I got up and blushed; I looked down as I ate. That's when I felt something hit the back of my head. It was pudding; I cleaned it up with a napkin and then threw it away. That's when I saw Carmen laughing at the popular table flirting with Grant. I sat down and first a carrot was thrown at me...then several. A few minutes later the carrots stopped being thrown and then an apple was thrown at my table missing me, I covered my head and all I heard was laughing. Then I heard Grant's friend Josh yell "Four!" and I covered my head knowing an apple was being thrown from the popular table. Then a thump, someone had caught it. I looked up and saw Spike holding an apple in his hand. He glared at Grants table and that's when I realized Spike was better looking then Grant...That why those kids were glaring.
"Enough...all of you...Carmen why do you insist in taking part in this childish play?" he asked in a calm and soothing voice yet intimidating voice.
"Spike this has nothing to do with you!" Carmen yelled standing up.
"Oh really? Then tell me why is everyone wasting food by throwing it at Miss Nameless who's done nothing but mean well? Tell me...No Enlighten me. Carmen?" he said giving her an expressionless face. She kept quiet rolled her eyes and Spike sat down glaring at anyone who even looked at me.
"I'm sorry Miss Nameless I didn't mean to lose myself in front of you." He said as the other kids kept staring at us.
"Spike please call me Jessie and you don't have to be so polite." I said looking down even more embarrassed but grateful the food ambushed ended. He was across from me and he smiled.
"I have to Miss-Jessie. I was raised that way. It's a habit I suppose."
"So the formal talk just comes naturally?" I said looking up.
" Yes." he says drinking his milk.
"You're not hungry?" I asked.
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
I looked at him and laughed. He smiled and put the apple on my tray and just stared at me as I laughed. When I stopped I looked at him smiling but confused.
"Why are you staring at me?" I asked. He sighed at the question.
"I like seeing your smile...you should do that more. You look really beautiful." He said looking away laying his arms, which were laid on top of the table. I blushed and turned away.
"You shouldn't lie to me like that..." I said feeling the warmth of my cheeks.
"Miss...I mean Jessie I'm not lying. To tell you the truth think you're the most beautiful girl in this room." He said.
"What? Stop...just stop."
"Stop what?"
"Lying! I mean you're kidding me. Really? Just stop. Please Spike...I can't handle anymore of that."
"I'm not lying, Jessie."
"Yes you are! Just please leave me alone if you're going to continue to lie to me."
I grabbed my tray, threw out the food, and ran to my next class a good 10 minutes early. Next class my elective choir. I never sang in front of anyone but I loved to sing when everyone wasn't there but today I wasn't in the mood. I was too confused. I sat there with my head down. Hoping no one would talk to me. No one did, but there was whispering. We sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" and "Phantom of the Opera". My teacher, Mrs. Kriner handed out flyers about a Movie day, day because it would be toward the end of the school year and the choir wanted to sing during school, and that she needed solos. I ignored it. I heard the other girls say they wanted to sing songs from Moulin Rouge or Grease.
After class Mrs. Kriner came up to me begging me to sing a song for the Movie day but I denied. I told her I was already embarrassed enough. The Movie Day was coming up in a few weeks and I wanted my year to end pleasantly. She tried to convince me by telling me that this would help my popularity and that I should reconsider. I told her my mind was made up and I didn't want to take part. She nodded but told me that she would save me for last so if I ever changed my mind she could take out the encore and put me in.
"Okay but you're wasting your time." I said. I stopped and saw her expression. She was a little surprised and a little sad on how I reacted.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Kriner I didn't mean to be rude. But I really doubt I'll be in the show." I said. She smiled, which made my guilt go away.
"At times your feelings get the best of you when making decisions and it's never to late to change the things you regret. Maybe this is one of those time where you say no but you might come to find that your feelings get the best of you especially when making decisions when your in a gloomy mood. Just give it time." She said as the next period came in. I ran out to the next class, Science.
I came in and sat next to Grant who was staring at me. I refused to make eye contact and whenever he said ‘hey science girl.' I would ignore him. He looked at me wondering what could possibly be wrong and the though of him even having to think about it made me angry. He tried his best to try to get on my nerves but I ignored him. I did my work he would take it I would get another sheet and finish up knowing the equations in my head already. He tried his hardest to get my attention but I ignored him. I peeked at him when I finished my work. I saw his long eyes lashes, his blue eyes, and his almost perfect face. Grant was slightly tan and he had the perfect lips. He had blond long layered hair and had a slightly over the top muscular body. All the girls loved him and all the guys admired him. Me? Didn't care much for him. I just passed by without a second glance.
I turned away from him and ran to class knowing he would try to get my attention then. I walked to my last period, English, and was the first one in class as usual. I sat down by myself as everyone came in commenting me, glaring at me, and laughing at me. Then Spike came in and I blushed in embarrassment. He walked in and handed his slip to the teacher Mrs. Leander. Mrs. Leander was a little over weight, had short dirty blond hair, a button nose, and blue eyes. She was wearing a button up shit with a vest over it, black dress pants, and half an inch high heels. He was staring at me I could see him in the corner of my eye, as I pretended to write down things in my notebook. I glanced over at Grant who was staring at me too. I turned away and hoped both of them would just leave me alone.
"Ok Mr. Heartlock, oh I just love that name. Please take your seat next to Ms. Nameless." She said writing his name in the seating chart and attendance sheet. This caused an up roar on how I shouldn't be able to sit next to him. When he sat next to me he I glanced at him and he was still staring. I smiled at him apologetically to him, and he nodded. When class started Mrs. Leander asked how our essays were going and that presentations would begin in two weeks. So the topics that we chose in random should be started soon. Then, a few minutes after she was finished explaining how are projects had to be presented she was interrupted by a teacher who needed her real quick.
"Ok class practice with your partners or work on them quietly. I'll be right back." She said.
Of course everyone didn't listen they just went straight to mingling. I turned to Spike who was already staring at me. But before I could apologize he held his finger and put it over my mouth.
"Miss Nameless there is no need to apologize. I must have offended you in a way. I'm sorry I didn't mean it. I hope you can forgive me." He said he said pulling his finger away. This put me in shock.
"What! No I should be the one apologizing I over reacted! I'm sorry." I said. He held out his hand making it so I couldn't say another word.
"No I don't want to hear those words from your lips any more. Please try not to apologize as much anymore." He said lowering his hand. I blushed and looked down.
"As long as you try your best not to call me Miss Nameless but rather Jessie." I said. Hoping he would listen.
"Miss... I mean Jessie. This is the part where I said you confidence comes to mind. If you want confidence you need to start acting like it. Don't let them looked down to you." He said.
"I-I can't." I said I said with my head down.
"Why not?" he said trying to make eye contact by leaning down.
"Because I'm not beautiful." I mumbled.
"Jessie-" he said not being able to finish because the teacher walked in. After that he wasn't able to say a word.
Happiness how am I going to be able to tell everyone what that is? I don't even know how that feels. Then at that moment I thought about Spike. I glanced at Spike who was staring at me. I smiled with confused eyes.
A few minutes later and the bell rings. We both get up and I run out knowing either Grant or him will try to talk to me. I ran to my locker trying to gather everything. I could see Grant eying me in the corner of my eye. But where is Spike? I can't see him anywhere. I have to hurry I thought to myself. I closed my locker and ran but ended up bumping into someone and I fell to the ground. I looked up and realized it was Spike.
"Miss Nameless are you alright?" he said holding out his hand to help me up. I grab it and try to rush things as fast as possible so Grant doesn't catch up to me.
"Uh yeah thanks sorry I bumped into you." I said trying to get out of there to the buses.
"No I told you not to apologize for anything anymore." He said following me. I stopped and looked at him.
"Yeah and I told you not to call me Miss Nameless any more." I said turning away trying to get to the buses. I got farther from my locker but I could still see it then Spike stopped me again.
"I know I just wanted you to know how I feel about how these people were able to brain wash you to believe your place in this school." He said making me stop, the buses just steps away.
"I'm speechless...are you blind?" I said looking around at all the beautiful girls passing by.
"Do I even come close to these girls? Stop, you're confusing, I just don't want to hear this any more ok?" I said running to the bus and realized they had already left. I fell to the ground and tucked my head on my legs. The stress is coming back again, the tight feeling in the back of my throat is back again. I almost started to hyperventilated a little. Then Spike came over and touch my cold shoulder. The warmth made the goose bumps come back.
"Jessie...I'll walk you home."
He helped me up and hugged me again letting me hear his heart beat to calm my heart down. It worked of course but it didn't help my face stop glowing. The very few people around me were staring and some even called their friends to spread gossip, I didn't care though. They should not interest to me.
We began walking to my house the walk was a good 25 minutes away. So we definitely had sometime. We walked passed house after house and some of the kids from school saw me but like I said I didn't care.
"Miss. I mean Jessie I have a confession to make. I have something I am very eager to tell you." He told me.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I won't be able to tell you now. But in time Miss Name- I mean Jessie I will. I'll be able to tell you little by little. I'm a little scared that you might be afraid of me in the end. So I hope that I can open up this way, little by little. Then maybe I can begin to be free." He said looking at me.
"Alright I have no clue what you mean but alright."
"Don't worry you will in the end. But before I open up I want to help you." He said with his soothing voice, stopping, and looking at me. As I turned to meet his eyes with him I gave him a confused look.
"Help me?"
"Yes." He said in his soothing voice slowly, getting closer to my face.
"Why would you?" I said as I inhaled his scent once again.
"Because you lost your angel." He said then continued walking.
I caught up and looked at him, ‘What does that have to do with anything?' I thought. I was very confused. Why is he wasting his time with me? I don't understand. I really want to know but I just met him a few days ago. Would I be a bother?
"Don't worry Miss Nameless you'll understand in time."
The rest of the walk was silent and I couldn't make that confusing feeling go away. I went toward him, a part of me wanted to hear his heart beat again. My heart was racing at the thought. My hand went towards his shirt, I inched over as my heart beats faster. I grabbed a small part of his shirt. It was almost like holding his hand....almost, I grabbed just enough so he wouldn't feel it. My heart sunk and I felt like I was dreaming...is he real? I thought to myself. Butterflies in my stomach began to fly everywhere as my head was spinning. I couldn't let go, my head to me to but something else told me not to.
Spike turned around which made my heart jump and made me instantly let go. He smiles and then he looked a like he was up to something. I gave him a slightly mad and suspicious face.
"What?" I said hoping he didn't see me.
"I just had a good idea." He said looking at me smiling. I sighed with relief. I walked to him knowing I was less then 3 minutes away from my house.
"What is it?" I asked looking at him wondering what he had on his mind. He looked at me with his green eyes and was close enough so I could smell his sweet scent once again.
"This weekend I will tell you what I want to tell you or at least begin to tell you if you..." He said turning away.
"If I what?" I ask.
"If you let me take you somewhere and allow me to do anything that day. Nothing inappropriate I assure you but it will solve your teasing issue." He said. I looked at him a bit confused.
"What are you planning?" I ask. He held up his hand.
"Do you agree to do it? By that you will know enough and if I tell you and your afraid then at least some good came out of it. So I will help you for you but please let me begin. Please..." he said touching my face with the back of his fingers down my cheek.
"Saturday?"
"If that works for you."
He slid his hands down. Keeping his head close to mine letting me inhale and memories his scent once again.
"Sunday...I have to clean up Saturday and Friday." I said heading towards my house.
"Miss Nameless!" Spike said
"Jessie!" I corrected.
"Jessie..." he said walking over, getting only a few inches away from my face.
"...Be safe...I can't watch you all the time. So please be safe." He said sending bolts of goose bumps down my spin once again. Then my dream Journal came to mind.
"Yeah....Sure...umm...I'll see you tomorrow Spike." I said gulping down my nerves. I walked away in the opposite direction and so did he.
I stood outside my door until my heart rate went down. I didn't look back knowing if he was there it would send it right back up. Just thinking that he was there makes my heartbeats would beat twice as much. I turn the knob closing the door in front of me. As my back was turn I hear a loud crash against the wall on the left side of me. I looked over and saw a vase shattered. The flowers were on the ground and water everywhere. I looked over and more crashing and I saw my mom who was throwing away my photos and my stuff.
"Mom!" I yelled stopping here.
"Don't ‘mom' me! Where were you? Running away like your father no doubt!" she said pushing me away. She just got home and I guess seeing that I wasn't home she thought I had left. She grabbed a piece of glass and began to cut herself. I ran over and pushed her grabbing the glass out of her hand.
"No you want me to die! If I died your life would be much easier wouldn't it?!" she said trying to grab the glass.
"No why would I want that?" I yelled back almost in tears.
"Where were you? Huh? Where the hell were you?" She said smacking me. I backed away and stepped on some glass. I could feel the blood drip out.
"I missed the bus is that a crime?"
"Is that your excuse why do you want to leave? What is wrong with me! Why does everyone want to leave me?!" She yelled and fell to the ground sobbing.
I went to the kitchen and cleaned the mess as my not as big mother cried on the ground like a child who just scrapped her knee. I walked to the door to throw out the glass but my mom grabbed my pants screaming in fright.
"Don't leave me please! Please!" she yelled with fright. I put down the broom and cradled my mother in my arms, something she never did when I was younger.
"Don't leave me...Please stay... Please... I don't want to be alone...Please." She whispered as she began to sob till her tears left a big wet spot on my shirt.
And then that's when I realized what it took for my mother to finally notice me was a threat. A threat that I wouldn't be home when she came back, knowing I was there comforted her and she was happy that I was like her life line if she had lost everyone. Knowing I was gone would be a sign of weakness to her and that drove her insane to the point where she cried. I looked at my pathetic mom as she cried, I knew she would go back to her regular self in the morning or in a few days. I knew she would, I knew she would take me for granted and that at this moment she would see me as a threat but that thought would soon leave and be pushed back into the back of her head as she blacked out. Almost like she was drunk when this happened. Now she would do anything in her power to make me afraid of the world. To a point where I would never leave, she would make it so that I would only want her, even if she isn't there. And that's when I finally understood, as I watched my mother crawl into bed and locked her self in there for what I knew would be days, I understood what Spike meant...I'd been brain washed not only by my school but my home too. My mother is afraid to lose me... or that's what I told my self...or she truly isn't going past my father...or even both. She is afraid...I love her...so how can I change someone I love? My mother, pleading me to stay, that fright in her eyes made me scared...will I be strong enough to leave when I had to?
I ran to my room and flipped through my Dream Journal to the last page. I read my last entry involving my angel. "Some things often look smaller and small things appear to be bigger depending on the situation." This was one of those situations...my mother looked like a small child just now...something I was afraid of was depending on me and at that moment I was like her heart...so small and fragile and easy to break emotional and physical but the most important thing that makes life worth living. For that moment I was like a heart attack to her...my mom was fragile... and I was her heart... at least until tomorrow I will be...a week at most I would be a heart. I would be depended on and the center of my mom's world...and I was sad because she thought I would run like my dad...I didn't want to be father...I didn't want to leave my mom even if she didn't notice me...I wanted to be Jessie not Seth...Jessie.