As I look back on my life through this year, so much has happened. I found the love of my life, he fell in love with me, he almost died on me, and now...now my mom has changed.
When will my life finally decide to slow down? When can I just sit back, relax, and live everyday to fullest? Why must I go through torment and heartbreak on a day-to-day basis?
I hold tightly to every memory of my mom...she is everything to me. Without her, I have no blood-relations. I know I shouldn't panic or worry...that God has this in his hands, but it's so hard to believe in that.
She didn't use to be this way. We were happy together: Just me and mom. She never showed any sides of bi-polar.
That's what the doctors told us she had. 'She is having side effects that fit to the description bi-polar disease...her case is very difficult to deal with, though', was their exact words.
What if she tries to pull another stunt like this again? Only, the next time...she'll actually succeed. What would I do then?
Josh saw the worry engraved on my face and gently took my hand in his. We were speeding down the highway going all the way to San Franscico, where the ambulance transported my mom.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the head rest in Luke's car. He kept glancing back at me in the rear-view mirror.
"Tell me again what she did." My eyes were still closed, but I felt both Josh's and Luke's eyes on me.
Luke sighed and stated, "We were watching a movie in the living room. Your mom was leaning on me and seemed calm, for once. But, she raised up and said, 'I'll be right back. I'm going to take some ibuprofen for this headache.' I nodded and continued watching the movie...after about 30 minutes, I began worrying about her. She had been gone for so long. I walked into the hallway...calling out her name, but she never replied. I walked into your bedroom and saw that the light was on...and...when I walked in, she was laying on the floor with a bottle of narcotics in her hand."
No matter how many times Luke told the story, tears fell down from my face. He glanced at me again and said, "I ran back into the kitchen and call 911 immediately."
"It's all my fault..." I began shaking and Josh wrapped his arms around me. "Shh. Don't say that. This wasn't your fault," He responded.
I looked up at Luke and stated, "I broke her heart."
Luke was stopped at a red light, and turned around to face me. "Nicole, listen to me. This is nobody's fault...remember the doctors told us that it was normal for bi-polar patients to have suicide thoughts."
"The doctors are stupid! They should've told us about mom's condition a long time ago! We could've prevented this."
Luke nodded and then started driving again. Josh rested his head against mine and whispered, "I'm here for you. I'm all yours...no one is going to take me away from you tonight. I'll be right by your side every step of the way. You know that?"
I raised up and softly kissed him on the cheek. "I believe you. I need you, Josh. Don't ever leave me, please." I broke down and began sobbing inside Josh's arms.
"I'm never leaving you, Nicole. You are mine and I'm yours. If anyone tries to split us apart, we won't budge. You know why?"
He was wiping away my tears, when I asked, "Why?"
Josh smiled and replied, "The love between us is too strong."