"Mayday, Mayday! This ship is going down and as your captain I'm ready to drown." I sang the lyrics to Tentacles but Ghost Town, letting them be my last words.
I gave a final bow to my empty audience. I spun around to take in one last look of the masterpiece that I just created. I stepped up on the chair and turned away from the window. My hands shaking as I slipped the rope over my head. I kicked out the chair from beneath me and instantly felt the cord tighten. I didn't struggle. I stayed still as my last breaths escaped me.
Darkness enclosed my sight and finally, after all this time, I was able to feel peace.
Death was the only thing I wanted. To be free of all this hate, this pain, all of it would disappear. But this was different. My body was numb, unable to move. I could hear the slightest most annoying beeping noise in the background. No, it can't be. Death is suppose to eliminate me. How could I hear something. Everything is suppose to be gone, nonexistent.
A bright light was shinning into my eyes. Are you fucking serious! I'm suppose to be dead. I know I'm not dead. I can see people hovering over me. Their lips moving but with no other noise besides the constant beeping.
Pins and needles shot through my limps and suddenly I had control of my body. I lashed out in a fit of rage. I tried screaming but still the silence came to me. My vision blurred in and out of focus seeing the people fighting to keep me down.
"No!" I screamed. "I'm suppose to be dead!"
My only answer was the welcoming arms of the darkness that held me before.
I woke up in a lonely hospital room. The sterile smell was burning my nose while the bright lights were to much for my sensitive eyes. I kept them closed and stayed still not wanting to believe I was still here. I relaxed and tried to sleep when the door click open followed by foot steps.
I sat straight up in a flash of an eye.
"Why am I here!?" I demanded.
The nurse just about jumped out of her skin when she saw me.
"Oh dear god!" she said while clinging to her heart.
"Who saved me? Why am I here?" I continued
"I'll go get the doctor." was the only reply I got.
Moments later a tall man wearing a white coat entered the room.
"Letitia. Your back."
Really? I thought I was in Narnia riding the back of a giant lion. What the hell kind of statement was that?
"Have you been feeling depressed lately.. Maybe withdrawn from your peers?" he asked in his all knowing tone.
"I've been feeling extremely pissed recently." I told him bluntly
"Good, good. Now why is that?"
"Because I'm suppose to be dead but for some unfortunate reason I'm here, still breathing."
He gave a sigh before continuing. "This is your fifth attempt at suicide and it needs to stop. But since this continues and you refuse to talk to anybody, your parents and I have come to an agreement that you'll be put under the care of specialist."
"W-what do you mean?" I asked scared of leaving the only place I've known. "Do you mean like a mental institute?"
"Its more like a boarding school than anything else. You'll be around teenagers like yourself who have..seem to lost their way. You'll have counseling sessions, activities such as art, drama, music. Hopefully by doing this you'll become happier and stop this temptation that you have."
Everything inside me just refused with what he had just said.
"Its not a choice Letitia."
"I'm not going." the cool calm words dripped with acid as I declined his statements.
"I know this must be upsetting but your parents have signed to it. They went to your home to pack your things. Once you check out you'll be checking into Sunny View Institute."
"Why couldn't you have just let me die." I said breaking my gaze from him to glare at the bland white wall.
He gave another sigh at a loss for words before getting and leaving me alone.
"Honey we know your unhappy but you left us with no other choice." my mother spoke sad words to me.
"I left you plenty of choices."
"We just want you to be happy again. I don't know if I could go through another one of your attempts." she was on the verge of tears.
My father took her hand in hopes of calming her down as she drove to one place I dreaded most.
"This Institute is going to make you better, you'll see." he said to me
"Are you saying I'm not good enough for you now?"
In all honesty I knew this was exactly what he meant. This was their fault, it was always their fault. Their obsession of being perfect was too much for me to handle. I couldn't be who they wanted but they never settled for anything less. I was constantly trying to get their approval so I finally just gave up. I started with just cutting but it wasn't enough. It was just a tiny outlet that gave little satisfaction.
In my first suicide mission I cut myself, my mom found me passed out on the floor of my room covered in blood. The second time I chose a more unused room in the mansion I call a home. I overdosed on miscellaneous pills and was found by the maid. The third I tried overdosing again but was found by my mom. The fourth we were driving down a highway on our way to some big event I could have really cared less about. Needless to say I jumped out of the speeding car. And that now brings us to the most recent, the hanging. I really thought that it would have done it but once again I was stopped.
I know it seems like I'm an ungrateful child who has an obsession with death but everything in so much more complex. I've stopped feeling for over a year now. I barely have any emotions anymore and the ones that I do are very dull and lifeless its self that it holds no meaning.
Take my need to feel again plus pressure from my parents you get the solution of suicide. Or at least I did.
I tried to open the backseat door for one more chance before I was put under the strict eyes of Sunny View but the child lock was on. All hope was lost, not that it was there any to begin with.