………. I stole another look at him as he tucked me tighter into him without taking his eyes from the screen. He’d assured me he loved me and I knew I loved him more than I’d ever thought possible, but I still had to wonder why. Why a girl from a small town who had so many problem and wasn’t even whole could possible mean so much to someone as amazing as him.
I felt a pang of hurt and longing as I looked at him, I wanted him. The pain ached for a second. I wanted to know that he needed me and wanted me… something… anything. I wanted to know I wasn’t just another notch on the head board, I need to feel like I was worth something and I wasn’t just a conquest to him. People were out to be mean I got that and yes what they say stung, but I don’t think Chad knew he was the one that could hurt me more than anyone ever could with a wrong word.
I Moved further up his side and put my hand on his face turning him to me. He looked a little confused for a minute, the arm that was round me stroked my back gently till his fingers could slide through my hair. a half smile played on his lips.
Before he could say anything I moved in to him kissing him, throwing everything I had into the passion of the kiss, it caught him off guard but he soon responded his own mouth consuming mine He moved his hand moving to my hips as our tongues battled, he pushed a little trying to flip us so he was on top of me on the couch, but I pushed him back and straddled his lap to keep in control. I reached for the bottom of his shirt and eagerly pulled it off, trailing my teeth in little nips back up his neck, His breathing became hard as my nails trailed over his chest and stomach
“Hey tiger slow down” he rasped in half a chuckle “We have all night” I didn’t want all night I wanted him now, I wanted to make him want me and need me, I had to know I meant something to him really meant something and not pity that I was the girl with the fucked up life.
Before I could give it a second thought I kissed him again nipping his bottom lip a little harder than usual as I pulled off my shirt throwing it aside, moving my hand to the back of the couch and pressing myself into him and I moved my hips getting as close to him as I could, His hands moved to my hair and he tried to catch my eye but I couldn’t look at him, I felt I’d break if I looked into the blueness of his.
It had always been secure and safe between us. It had always been hot even if sometimes gently but it was always passionate and loving. He made me feel so safe each and every time, not just making me feel sexy, but he made me feel loved… this time was the first time I was doubting it, with the niggling fear of rejection pecking at the back of my head.
I felt Chad’s body tense a little he knew I was trying to hard… he put his hands on the sides of my face and pulled my head back from his so I had no choice but to look at him.
“Chris what’s wrong?” I closed my eyes “You can tell me” the worry raw in his voice.
I felt like I’d been dropped from a great height and I’d shattered in to a million pieces, he’d rejected me, even though I knew why he’d stopped me it hurt more than I ever thought imaginable. I was doing this for all the wrong reasons and he wasn’t dumb he knew it as well. We’d never had to force it, and when we made it hot, we never need anything else than just the two of us.
“Chris what is it?” he repeated he let go of my face his arms round my waist now I opened my eyes bat couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t tell him everything, how could I tell him I was so scared of losing him all because of a damn over heard conversation, he’d be offended that I didn’t trust him and then he’d hate me. Even though Mike and I had talked about it and even he’d assured me and so had Ryan, I still didn’t know how he’d react to my sudden loss of trust.
“I’m fine, really” I forces a smile “Come on I’m married to you I got carried away” I still couldn’t look at him. I went top get off of his lap but he held me firm one hand moving and catching my chin in between his thumb and forefinger.
“Hey we don’t hide anything remember” his voice was soft and gentle. “We’re in this together Baby… and I know something’s wrong because you don’t cry for no reason” his thumbs slid across my cheeks and wiped away the tears that I hadn’t even felt on my cheeks I rasied my eyes to meet his, they were full of worry and concern “Baby please?” the words were all but whispered.
He was right we didn’t have secrets from each other, he was the one that knew it all. I moved off his lap and sat on the table in front of him he sat forward his hands on mine.
“I’m sorry… I just… I just started thinking about a butt load of things, I went shopping and I over heard a conversation between two girls they were talking about why I’m not good enough for you… and they had a damn good argument on a lot of the points” I kept my eyes on our hands “Hell they even knew I can’t have a baby” Chad’s grip on my hands increased at the last part and I knew he tensed up “the rumors don’t get to me I’ve had worse… but hearing that today” I shrugged “I let it get to me”
I closed my eyes this time feeling the tears fall from my cheeks and hit our hands. His thumbs rubbed the back of my hands I looked at him finally, the pain I saw in his own eyes tore at me, I let go of his hands and got up and walked to the fireplace wishing it wasn’t summer and that we had a roaring fire to chase of the chill I felt in me.
I know you tell me you love me but I still struggle with why?” I touched a picture of the two of us on the mantle that Alfie had taken after a show in Afghanistan before we were together but we we’re wrapped in a hug and laughing. “I just don’t get what you see in a girl with more baggage than a damn airport, and that has brought nothing but problems from the get go. It’s like for everything good that’s happened in my life a million bad things have had to follow” I looked at him “I see you and our marriage and smile at the good step now where’s the million bad ones waiting to slap me in the face” I took a deep breath and looked back to the picture and tried to focus on what I had to say next “I guessed that after a while you’d realized you had me and the chase was done and you’d move on to the next thrill ride with less crap”
Saying it out load rocked me to the core I gripped the mantle and the tears streamed while my breath racked my chest, I was losing control I couldn’t handle the thought of not having Chad in my life all the fears I’d managed to push back in my head raced to the forefront… this could be it he could tell me he was done… what would I do if he said we were done…