I was in my car, driving down Sunset when the call came. I knew I shouldn’t pick up, since I was driving and all, but there wasn’t exactly anywhere to pull over on Sunset, and my piece of shit car wasn’t new enough to have the fancy perks of a new car, including Bluetooth.
I’d always joke about my car ( a 1990 Toyota), with Parker, complaining about the spring that always hurts my butt and the crap of a radio system I had. He’d always joke back, pulling me close and rubbing my butt, saying he’d always be there to make it better. I would always roll my eyes and slap his hands away, asking him what he was going to do about the actual shit car itself.
He’d usually answer back with a stupidly funny response, but I remember, once, while I was still in his arms, he turned his insanely beautiful eyes, a mix of teal and navy, framed by thick lashes, and he stared straight into my plain brown eyes. His eyes were always the reason I forgave him so quickly in anything he did, he would just turn that gaze on me, and I was helpless.
He stared at me for a moment, and slowly, lovingly, kissed my forehead. He pulled back only an inch, so I could feel his warm, minty breath on me.
“I would give you the world if I could, Erin, you know that, right?”
I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. Parker wasn’t the serious type, or the cheesy, for that matter. He was always the one who kept himself at a distance. It wasn’t like he was this cold boyfriend. No, he was warm and tender and perfect, but he had his share of hard times with the people he loved, and I don’t think he wanted to accept he loved me, because somewhere inside of him, he thought it would ruin everything.
I knew he loved me though, I could tell by the times I caught him just staring at me. Either while lounging on his couch, or when I ate a burger, which is impossible for me to eat without making an absolute mess.
I could tell in the ways he would stroke my hair, kiss my neck, and hold me close when we would sometimes just lay on his bed in the dark, the sound of our favorite bands quietly playing in the background.
And I could tell in that moment, when he stared at me with those teal-navy eyes, filled with love, speaking words of promise.
I looked back at him, trying my absolute hardest to burn this image in my mind, his gorgeous face, less than two inches away from me. His dark brown, almost black hair that never seemed to be neat.
The small piece that always fell in front of his eyes, parts in the back of his head sticking up. His straight, aristocratic nose, his pink lips, that looked very firm, but I knew how soft they actually were. His hard edged jaw that was scattered with black scruff. The very small gage that looks like an earring in his right ear, which I fought with him about for months, begging for him to take out.
And the angry, now white, scar right above his left eye, which I adored, always running my hand over, trying to soothe the pain that wasn’t even there anymore.
I lifted my hand, moving that one piece of hair. I could only nod; surprisingly overwhelmed with emotion I wasn’t used to. It seemed I physically couldn’t speak, so I leaned into him and lightly but firmly kissed his lips, keeping my eyes open all the while. He kissed me back, and then pulled me into a hug, where I stayed for what seemed like forever.
That was one of the two times I’ve ever seen Parker be so serious, the other being when he first told me about his parents.
We were in my room, laying on my bed and staring at the glow in the dark stars that seemed to surround us with their hypnotizing color. We were aimlessly talking, giving out random facts about ourselves. We had been going out for about six months, yet Parker still seemed to be a mystery to me at the time. He never opened up to me until that night, which I think changed something in our entire relationship. We were only juniors in high school, naïve and not really knowing what we were getting ourselves into.
His dad died while on tour in Afghanistan, when Parker was only ten. His mom was devastated and didn’t leave her room for a week straight. It was summer, so Parker didn’t have school.
He explained about just sitting around, playing video games, fending for himself. His mom finally emerged, and everything seemed normal again. Then, one night a couple months later, he was taken out of school, his first week of middle school, and was told he was going to be living with his aunt from then on. His mother was “too sick” to take care of him.
He later learned that was code for attempted suicide.
I was sobbing by the end of the story and Parker had tears in his eyes. That was the first time, and only time I saw him cry.
Until the night I got that call.
I picked up, putting it on speaker and then in my lap.
“Hello?”
“Erin, where are you?”
It was Parker’s, and now one of my, best friend’s, Ryan.
His voice was frantic and, it seemed, angry.
“I just got out of class, what’s going on?”
I was in my freshman year at UCLA, and it was around 5:00 when I actually left the school, and that horrible parking lot.
“There was an accident.”
My heart dropped. My thoughts instantly went to Parker, and I felt my car swerve.
I had to calm down.
“Who’s? Where’s Parker, is he okay?”
“Parkers fine. It was Tyler.”
His voice caught at the end.
Tyler was Parkers first cousin, but since he moved in with him when he was only ten, they were more like brothers.
“Oh God, what happened? Is he okay? When did this happen?”
“It was about two hours ago. He got hit by a 4 wheeler that ran a red light. It didn’t hit his side of the car, but it’s…its bad. Really bad. And Parker won’t talk. We’ve been sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, and he’s just been sitting here, staring at the wall. Erin, you need to get here.”
I pulled off Sunset immediately, heading towards Wilshire.
“Which hospital?” I demanded.
“Cedars Sinai. Call me when you’re here, I’ll tell you where we are.”
“Thank Ry.”
I couldn’t believe it. Tyler wasn’t only a big brother to Parker, but to me also. When me and Parker broke up last year, which was our longest break up, Tyler fixed everything. Tyler always knew how to fix everything.
We were graduating soon, and talking about colleges. Parker wanted to stay in LA, where as my dream had been going to NYU since I was sixteen. When he wouldn’t apply to NYU, I got mad.
“Just in case! I’m not saying you have to go there. Just in case!” I said, my voice raising.
“What difference will it make. Even if I get in, I’m not going. Why would I pay for an app to a school I’m not going to?”
I knew he was right. But me and Parker were serious by this point, and I didn’t want to be far away from him.
So I let it go. When the time to fill out apps rolled by, Parker and I went to the college center to pick up the ones we wanted.
Parker noticed I didn’t get one for NYU.
“What are you doing?” he asked. His voice was already angry. He knew what I was doing.
‘What do you mean?” I asked, trying to put this conversation off for as long as possible.
“Dammit, Erin. Where is your NYU application?”
“Oh, that. Um, I’ve decided I don’t want to go there anymore.”
He stopped, and I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my face.
“Excuse me?”
I sighed. He was not going to make this easy. Parker knew I wanted to go to NYU, get a fancy internship, and one day, write movies.
He would twirl me around, joking about how he couldn’t wait to be my date to the Oscars, for when I’m nominated for best screenplay.
“Come one Parker. Don’t start this. I don’t want to be away from you.”
“Are you crazy? You’re not going to follow your dream for me? Come on, Erin. I know you’re smarter than that. You are not that girl.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!”
“You know what it means.”
I did.
“What is it Parker? Are you that desperate to get rid of me? So what, you can move on to your next conquest?”
I knew it was stupid to ask, even as I said it. Parker used to date around a lot, and sometimes it got the best of me. Even though I knew he would never cheat on me.
His stare turned to stone, and he continued walking.
When he didn’t hear me following, he barked at me to move. I followed him, tears in my eyes. We drove in silence to my house, and he pulled up, silently waiting for me to get out.
“Parker, I-”
“Get out, Erin.” His voice was hard. I’d never heard him speak to me this way.
“Parker. I know what I said was stupid. I didn’t mean it, I was just angry. I know you don’t want me to stay here for you, but I promise I’m not.
I’ve looked into it, and there’s an amazing writing program at UCLA. And it’s not like this is Arkansas. This is LA, just as good of a writing scene as NYU.
Honestly, I’ve never said anything, but I didn’t necessarily dream on New York. I dreamed of anywhere out of LA. I hated it here, but only because it seemed bland compared to New York. That’s changed. I can still write form here, and I’ll be closer to you and my family. I promise I’m not just doing it for you. You’re right, I’m not that type of girl.”
He kept quiet, still not looking at me, jaw clenched. Parker was the most stubborn person ever.
I put my hand on his arm, and he shook me off. I couldn’t help but feel hurt.
“Parker…” I whispered.
He still didn’t look at me. I knew he just needed time, so with a sigh, I got out.
The weekend passed, and he still hadn’t called me. Monday morning I got a text from him.
I cant pick you up today.
That’s it. No hey baby, or sorry, just a cold period attached to the end of the sentence. I took my own car to school, and at nutrition, I went looking for Parker. I couldn’t find him. I was anxious all day. I had called him and texted him, to no avail.
Finally, at lunch, I found him. He was upstairs, by his locker, talking to Romie Williams. She wasn’t necessarily a bitch, or rude. She was nice, I guess. But everyone knew she was easy.
She was the girl with the Facebook pictures of her in low cut, high cropped tops, shoving her boobs into the camera.
I saw her put a hand on his arm, and giggle. And he just smiled back.
I took out my phone then, and called him. A few moments later, I saw him take it out of his pocket, and look at it. I saw something cross his face then. Sadness. Then it was gone, and he pressed ignore as I heard his answering machine in my ear. I hung up, and walked up behind him.
“Is there something wrong with your send button?” I asked, sarcastically.
He barely indicated that he heard me, until he finally turned around, eyes cold and hard.
He just raised his eyebrow.
“I said, is there something wrong with that little green button on your phone? Will it not let you pick up the call I just gave you, or the other hundreds?”
“Nope.”
He sounded annoyed. This wasn’t like him. Wasn’t the warm and sweet Parker I knew.
“Can I talk to you? Alone.” I said, looking behind him to Romie.
He sighed, then look back at Romie, smiling at her.
“I’ll call you later. Alright?”
She nodded and giggled, swaying away.
“What was that about?”
I knew I sounded hurt. Hurt and confused and self conscious. The pretense of the sarcastic attitude was gone, and I was stripped down to my honest emotions.
“Look Erin, I…I don’t think we should see each other anymore. We’re going to college, and its unrealistic. But we’ll keep in touch, alright?”
I was shocked. I knew we had a fight, but the way he spoke to me; so blunt and casual, as if we had only been going out for a couple of months, instead of a year. As if it was all a joke, funl and games.
As if he didn’t love me.
This was just like Parker. Making decisions for me. He always thought he knew best, and he would do whatever it took to make it happen. Even if that meant breaking my heart.
“I am not five years old, Parker. I know what you’re doing. Even if you dump me, I’m not going to New York. I wasn’t fucking kidding when I said it wasn’t only for you. So cut the crap.”
His faced lost the stone, and turned to pure anger.
“You are going to New York! Erin, you’ve wanted to since the first day I met you. Don’t give me this BS about it not being about me. If you never met me, you wouldn’t be saying this.”
“Don’t flatter yourself Parker. All you did was put things into perspective for me. If you really want me to be happy, you’ll actually listen to me for once, instead of making decisions for me. And not…not break up with me over nothing.”
I felt the tears come in, then.
Was it that easy for him? That easy to stop everything, let go of everything?
“Fine. Don’t go to NYU, I don’t give a shit. I still want to break up.”
I voiced my thoughts, then.
“Is it that easy for you? Huh? Is it that easy for you not to give a fuck?”
I sounded angry and hurt and I could feel the tears streaming out of my eyes.
He looked regretful for a moment, and it seemed as if he was going to step closer to me for a moment.
Then he started backing away.
“I’ll see you around, Erin.” With that he turned around and began walking away.
“Parker. Parker!” I yelled, full on crying now.
He didn’t look back. He left me there, crying.
We didn’t talk for the rest of the school year. And the first month of summer.
I hated him. I hated him for turning me into one of those pitiful, disgusting girl on TV who stopped there lives over a boy. I was broken hearted. I hated him for taking himself away from me, for making me need him so much in just a year.
I hated him for making me love him so damn much.
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