Loud classical music filled the hallways of the ward. It was Grave-Allegro Di Molto E Con Brio composed by Beethoven. Kate had always loved Beethoven.
She lied on her bed in the pale room with closed eyes as she listened to the beautiful music. Many nurses had come in to try to get her to turn it off but she refused. After many failed attempts, the nurses contacted Dr. Kramer which was her psychologist. Many thought that the girl was insane but they were all wrong. Tragedy had damaged her but had not made her crazy.
Kate hadn't spoken ever since before the accident which was a month prior. When her Aunt Rose (Now, her only surviving relative) saw how the accident affected her, she immediately admitted her to the state hospital, telling the doctors that she wouldn't speak, eat or sleep and her behavior was dangerous. Her Aunt Rose also told them that she had noticed cuts on her arm and caught Kate stealing a bottle of aspirin along with a bottle of whiskey from the basement bar. Kate was admitted later that day.
Kate didn't label herself as crazy though. Does wanting to end your life make you insane?
When the accident happened, Kate didn't act how we all usually do when tragedy occurs. Instead of crying and screaming, she said nothing and no tears fell from her eyes. She sat in the damaged car, letting the cold wind blow through the broken windows as she looked at her dead parents that sat in front of her for nearly an hour. She looked at their injuries and all of the blood that surrounded both of them.
Kate only had a couple broken ribs, a broken arm and concussion. When the car had finally stopped rolling, there was nothing but silence. For some reason, she couldn't cry nor speak. It all had happened so fast. One moment, she had two loving parents and the next; she was staring at their dead bodies.
When help arrived, she still didn't move. They almost had to force her from the car. Still, she didn't cry. She didn't even cry at the funeral. She was alive but she felt dead.
"Kate, you need to turn that either down or off."
Kate opened her eyes and saw Dr. Kramer in the doorway of her room. He was a young doctor. He must have been in his early thirties and he had a handsome appearance.
She glanced up at him for only a moment before closing her eyes again and starting to listen. She then heard footsteps and once she opened her eyes, she saw that he was moving toward the record player. She grabbed a nearby book on her nightstand and threw it at him, hitting him in the face.
He stopped and looked at her, "Kate, behavior like that isn't going to help your recovery."
She glared at him. I don't need help.
He slowly started to make his way to the record player again. This time, Kate lunged at him. Dr. Kramer grabbed her arms firmly.
"Kate, stop. Breathe. I'm just going to turn it down. Not off, just turn it down."
Kate breathed deeply from anger but then calmed down and let him turn it down. After doing so, he looked at her and said, "Are you ready to talk to me?"
She looked at him with an emotionless face and walked to window looking at the grounds below.
"Kate, I wish you would let me help you."
She continued to stare out of the fenced window.
"Have you written anything in your journal today?"
Still, she didn't acknowledge him being there.
"Kate, you have an appointment with me today at noon. I'll see you then."
After she heard the door shut, she went back to her bed and lied down. She looked at the white ceiling thinking.
I'll get better, I just need time. Maybe my dreams of dying will pass but I don't belong here. People handle tragedy in different ways and I choose to handle mine this way. I just need to be alone.
Dr. Kramer walked through the halls of the ward thinking. I can only imagine what she is going through. But damn it, she has to get better. She's seventeen. She has her whole life ahead of her. You have to help her. You have to get her through this. But how? She won't let me. I have to find a way. I have to.
When it was noon, a nurse brought Kate to Dr. Kramer's office. She sat down in the leathered chair in front of Dr. Kramer's desk, looking down at the floor. The nurse then left, shutting the door behind her.
"Kate, you have been very stubborn. Don't you understand that I want to help you? I don't only want to help but so do the nurses and the other doctors. We all want to help you."
Kate continued to look at the floor. Here she sat in a psychologist's office, a place where she had been many times and always had said nothing.
"Okay, you don't like to speak but you love to write. How about you write how you are feeling to me? Does that sound good?"
She thought about it for a moment but then she grabbed the piece of paper and pencil that was in his hand. They briefly touched each other.
He saw that she was drawing something and he found himself very excited for what he was about to see. When she showed him her picture, it was a drawing of a stick figure girl with X's as eyes.
"You feel dead."
She nodded yes.
"Kate, that is understandable with what you have experienced. You were an only survivor of a brutal accident. You lost a part of you that day. What I am trying to do is try to bring you back to life again."
Dr. Kramer spoke with sensitivity. He didn't consider Kate a patient. He had a secret that involved her. His secret was that he was attracted to her. Not only did her beauty capture him but so did her mind. Though it was hard to read, he always studied the way she moved and acted and for some reason, that always drew him in.
She sat there in silence.
He then stood up, "Kate, come with me to the window."
As he walked to the window, she followed.
"Now, you see Kate, this is your life. Out there, there are so many opportunities. There are so many things you are capable of doing but you can't do them unless you help me help you."
She stared out of the window, feeling like a bird in a cage. He was right she thought.
He then moved behind her as she looked out of the window. He placed his hand on her waist.
What is he doing?
She backed away from him, staring at him confused.
"I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to touch you."
You want to touch me? Is this a test?
She still looked at him confused.
"Kate, I just want to touch you. Don't be afraid. I promise, I would never hurt you in anyway. I just need to touch you."
She hesitated for a moment, still confused by all of this. But before she knew it, she stood in front of him as she was before and he wrapped his arm around her waist bringing her back to his stomach.
It had been a long time since she had been touched by a man. Even though he was her doctor, she didn't find this wrong. He wasn't married so there wasn't a threat there. Yes her age was a factor but they both needed to be touched in a certain way and if no one knew, it wouldn't be a problem. She realized at that moment that she hadn't felt anything in the past month until the moment he touched her.
He tightened his grip around her waist and she closed her eyes as she did this. Then, she got nervous and backed away again. He tried bringing her back to him but she wouldn't let him.
Then, he gave up and walked back to his desk.
"Kate you can't tell anyone about what just happened. Do you understand?"
She had her back towards him and nodded.
"And I refuse to let that happen again."
When she didn't acknowledge what he said, he was slightly angered. He walked up to her and turned her around to face him. He wanted her to want him.
She looked a bit frightened and when he leaned in to kiss her, she turned away while trying to push him back but failed. He tried again but failed once more. He then looked at her trying to read what was on her mind.
Kate breathed deeply while his arms were clasped around her wrists. This was wrong she thought.
When he let go of her, she walked out of his office. As she made her way through the halls, she stopped. What just happened was wrong. Yet, why you are considering going back?
He stood there in his office in silence. He couldn't believe what he had just done. He was ashamed of himself. As he went to sit down at his desk, a nurse came in.
"Dr. Kramer, we need you."
"What is it?"
"It's Kate. She's having a tantrum in her room. You'd better hurry."
He quickly got up and followed the nurse out of his office and down the hall to her room. When he walked in, Kate had taken a chair a broke her window. She was hitting the fence that had covered her window with her fists, cutting them from the remaining glass. She was crying but silently.
"Jesus" he silently muttered.
She tipped her bed over and was throwing anything she could find.
"Kate, stop. Stop it."
As Dr. Kramer moved towards her, Kate tried to stay as far away from him as possible. She hit the walls with her fist and through her nightstand at the wall across from her. She had kept in so much that she couldn't take it anymore.
"Kate, look at me. Stop! Look at me."
She was breathing deeply and refused to look at him.
"I'm going to go get a sedative" said a nearby nurse.
They can't put her out. She needs this.
He walked up to Kate and as he did this, she kept throwing everything she could at him but he blocked it all with his arm. He went up to her and grabbed her arms. She shut her eyes. She couldn't look at him. She fought him for awhile but exhaustion finally took over her body and she gave up.
"Kate, calm down. Calm down, breathe."
The nurse came back into the room and as Kate saw her, she started to squirm.
"I've got the sedative" said the nurse.
"No, she doesn't need it."
"I said no. She has held a lot in for far too long and this is way of letting it out. She needs this. She's fine now. She doesn't need it."
He looked down at Kate who had swollen eyes but was silent.
"Are you okay? Do you feel better?"
Kate's eyes didn't leave his and she slowly nodded yes.
"Okay, good" he said as he smiled.
He then turned to the nurse and said, "We need to get her into another room until this window is repaired. Find a room that is available and take her to it."
The nurse nodded and then left the room.
The remaining nurses stood there while Dr. Kramer comforted Kate. When the nurse came back, she said room five was available and came to Kate to take her there. Kate squeezed Dr. Kramer's arm. She didn't want to leave him.
He noticed this and said, "Don't worry. I'll see you soon."
She was hesitant but finally went with the nurse.
Dr. Kramer stood there looking at the wrecked room thinking. In a way, this room was a portrait of what Kate was. She was simply damaged.