Sunday may 10, 2008
Ring…ring…ring..urrgg. who's calling me on Sunday morning? I have no friends and the little amount that I have knows me not to be a morning person. No forget I said that I realy have no friends. "Hello?" I ask to the phone.
"Hey Lee this is Anneis…I'm sorry did I woke you up?" I mutter something in my just woke up language which I guess she understood as; 'I was awake already' or something along those lines because she continue on "Well great! I wanted to invite you to my 18th birthday" when I heard this I fully woke up, to realize I was speaking with Anneis! My all time crush's, Jean Paul, twin sister. He is tall, about 6'4" and super sexy. Pale skin, skinny, with really long hair; long hair is my weakness in boys and if they wear a little bit of black eye liner I won't complain, but Jean don't do eye liner, he is still the sexiest man alive. "Lee? Are you still there?"
"Yeah… I'm here… when is your birthday?" but I know very well is may 30.
"the 30th this month…mmm sorry if I'm inviting you too close to the day but …mm… I didn't have your number" Yeah right! Didn't have my number, when went to the same college and have the same mayor; journalism. Jean Paul is in my major as well. We just graduated last summer and it was such a coincidence that the four of us, this including Erianee my best friend and roommate, came to the same university and have the same major.
"No problem. Thanks for the invitation I'll sure be there" a long silence fills the line.
"Well while I'm at this I want to ask you if you finish the article for Tuesday's sociology class."
"Not really" Am I really having a conversation with Anneis? I'm one step closer to talk to the man of my dreams. Yeah I'm a coward… I hate that I'm so painfully shy around guys…and girls I like. Yeah I like them both. I think Anneis is really hot, I just can't help it! But the love of my life is Jean Paul though. Ohh and for the record I can't officially be called bisexual since I've never kissed a girl before. And how creepy it's that I feel attracted to twins? Yeah very creepy!
"Did you choose who you're going to write about already?" She asks and I a sound as saying not; unh onh ( he he something like that). "Well I'm writing about the behavior of women in an all men environment. It's boring I know but I'm out of ideas right now and-"
"It's not boring!" I say too fast and nervous. I chuckle for my stupidness "Well at least you have a subject I haven't done anything and the first draft is due Tuesday. But I'll figure something I al-" This time she cuts me.
"You always do." She laughed and I feel so subconscious about it. Is she making fun of me? I'm not an A student but I do my best. She on the other hand is an A student. And where did she get my cell phone from? My eye flew to Erianee. Yeap no doubt about it she is the only friend I have here; pathetic but truth. "Mmm well see you in class. And I'm much exited that you are coming to my birthday." I so much wish I was not so shy and could ask her if she would celebrate her birthday together with her brother, I guess they would since they are twins after all. "Bye!" she says cheerful and hung up before I get to say bye. My heart was pumping hard on my chest, my hands were sweaty and I finally could breathe normally.
"He he… that was some guy?" Asks Erianee from her bed on the other side of the small room. She was with the face to the wall so I didn't notice at what moment she awoke.
"Anneis" I simply say and she turns to look at me.
"Ohh girl why do you get so nervous talking to a girl? Do you like her?" I couldn't figure in which way she was asking if I liked Anneis. Or for that matter if she would feel uncomfortable if I said to her that I thought Anneis was the hottest girl I've known. I look down and shrug. "Well she is nice" she says getting of bed and walking out to the bathroom.
"Eri!" I scream to her when I realize the worse nightmare I'm getting into. Erinnee turns around and looks a question to me. "She invited me to her birthday party! J might be there too!" I yelled almost crying in desperation, I knew Erianne would know what I was talking about. She came to me and hugs me.
"Ohh hun you'll look just great. And when he sees you it will be love at first sight" I glare at her after this "OK… ok maybe at 100th sight. But love still" I got comfortable on her arm, then pull out to go take my morning shower.
I let the hot water run down my body, stinging on my newly cut forearm skin. I've cut for the first time last night and the feeling was something out of this world, it itches and burned and some kind of electric like feeling went trough my body while I did this. But why did I do this to my body? Not for depression be sure of that, but I have this weird fascination; I like to see my body marked, with tattoos, piercing, bruises or scratches. I love to see my skin broken, but I've never provoke those damage myself until last night. I was bored and needed something new in my body. A tattoo is too permanent to decide so fast, and a piercing too, I wasn't sure which I would get either. And I've done an article about people cutting for pleasure and found some facts that said that the body actually enjoys this feeling the same way it enjoy a soft caress it just a matter of taste.
I squeeze my big thighs then my fat belly… I would not let myself go to Jean's birthday party like this. I would not!
First thing I do when I got out the shower was to weight myself. Shit! I'm the fattest girl on campus!
"Oh Eri I'm the fattest girl here. This is why no guy looks at me but the ugly ones." She looks at me while getting ready to go see her boyfriend. She put her eyeliner down and stare looking at my body.
"Well hun you look fine" and went back to her eyes.
"Fine? That's synonym of ugly!" I scream frustrated.
"Actually hun is an antonym."
"You know what I meant! I'm fat! I would be really nice looking if I was skinnier" Eri just shrugs. "You see? You can't deny it."
"Is true hun. You would look way better with… 30 pounds less." My eyes got watery "But hun you are 6 feet tall you don't need to be skinny"
"I look like a tall cow" She almost laughs but stopped herself. "You know how much I weight? …190 lbs!" Some body knocks on the door and stops her from saying this wasn't a lot. but It's and its nobody's but my fault, I've fill my loneliness with food. "It's open!" I yell and Daniel, Eri' boyfriend gets in. he comes to me and kiss my cheek.
"You look good today Lee!" He says with his cheerful smile.
"Thanks" comes my voice a little more than a whisper.
"And you too love, gorgeous girls!" he says when he kisses Eri, he kisses her from the back on her neck and I saw she shudders. So jealous of their love right now that I have to look down and a tear escape my eyes while I hug myself and give them my back and drift to sleep. Same thing I did every Sunday; sleep in all day. Because today was Eri's day to chare with Dan.
"Thanks hun" I hear Eri says before I sink deep into another of my sweet dreams.
I was in my bedroom looking trough a magazine when Jean walked in. His shoulder length hair wet, his shirt wet and he smiles at me. "Hi Lee. I've miss you" he walks to me and lifts me to him. I was so light and skinny that I he could hold me easily. "I've miss you too" I say and wrap my legs around his waist. We kiss with excitement for a few moments when out of the sudden I feel fat again and he drops me "Ouch! I think you hurt my back" He protests and in that moment a skinny girl from one of the classes I have with him, walk in my room. He looks at her and smiles. Before I notice they were kissing then they left my room holding hand. And I awoke alone and fat on my bed.
"Shit!" I said standing from bed. I need to lose this weight if I want him to notice me in the party. I jut wish for one dance with him, just one dance. And feel comfortable on my skin that day. I start searching for ways to lose weight… I'm a journalist what do you think this is second nature to me. Coming up with tons of ways of loosing weight fast and "easy". The faster way I read on a web page; anorexia. Starve yourself to skinny or die trying. Yeah that's me. I found so many tips and trick to lose weigh I was overwhelmed. First thing first, "use a diary to keep a close look to what you eat." And second "don't eat"
Sunday, may 10th 2008
Dear SD (skinny Diary):
I pledge that I will lose 20 lbs by may 30th. That gives me 20 days to lose it all. That's good right?
Yours, fatty Lee