There should be a law against speaking when you're angry. That's when your words matter the most. When they aren't just things thrown into every day conversation spoken with everyday people who hold no value in your life. I meanif you think about it most of the time when you're angry with someoneit's someone you love and you have to be careful of what you say because even one sentence can transform your relationship with a person. I don't know, maybe it just depends on if you know how to choose your words right. Take me for instance. I'm the type of person who knows how to get to the core of a person's inner emotions. How to hurt them beyond repair. Especially the people I love. When your arguing with someone you love it's different. You know that person. You know their weakness,insecurities and sometime even their deepest secrets. All useful tools that can be used against them. Sometimes I feel likethere's another person or forcein mefeeding me the words.I just get so angry, you know. It's not that I'm a mean person it's just I can be so cruel with my words when I'm angry sometimes I even scare myself. I don't think people realize that mans most deadly ability is the ability to speak (depending on how it's used. Millions of people have changed the world just by speaking and its words that cause people to take action. Anyway, I'm rambling on about worlds and changing the world and family because I really think that's where my story began. Just words thrown out in moments of anger. Just words are what it took to change the whole world; well my world at least
"Mom it's the same frinking thing every single day! He's thirteen years old he can take care of himself!!"
"If I thought he could take care of himself I wouldn't be asking you to watch him. Stop being a spoiled brat and think about some else besides yourself for once, God Cody you're so difficult."
"Think about someone besides Justin for once!! Think about the fact that I'm 16 years old and have almost never hung out with my friends on a weekend or never been on a date because I've been give the responsibility of a teen mom ever since I was nine! When I was 13 I was watching my 10 year old brother but now that he's 13 he can't watch himself!!!!!!!"
My mother kept her voice cool despite my yelling. She looked like she was slowly losing patience but was trying to keep cool. I could tell she thought yelling was beneath her. Like it wasn'tsomething a civilized suburban mom would do. Besides she cared too much about what the neighbors thought and didn't want her church going Christian reputation tainted throughout the neighborhood."
"Listen Cody I'm doing this on my own. I have two kids and a mortgage to pay. I have to work overtime just to get by and can't afford a babysitter. Unless you want to be homeless I suggest you cooperate with me."
At that moment I felt like I reached a breaking point. Here she was playing the single mom card on me again. She had used it many times before and I brought it when I was younger but was now quite frankly sick of it. She couldn't walk around pretending to be financially unstable while Justin was given every little thing his heart desired.
"You think if you spent a little less money on designer clothes and senseless video games for your son then maybe we would be a little more stable right now!!! Ever since I was four it was Justin this and Justin that. Cody can you get that for Justin and while you're at it can you bend over and wipe his shoe I think it has a smudge on it!!!!!
I was speaking so fast and had run out of breath and my heart was racing a thousand miles a minute. My light brown skin began to redden as I started to tremble with anger. I wanted to get her back. I wanted to get herback for not loving me for not giving me the same amount of love and attention she always showed my brother and most of all for driving the one parent who did love me away.
"You know what ...for Christmas I can get you some t-shirts and banners and what not and you could start your own Justin fan club! It's sad really -
She cut me off mid sentence but still I refused to stop. I didn't need to continue to yell because it would hurt just as bad if I didn't. Some thingsdidn't need to yell to hurt. They hurt just as bad when spoken calmly because then you didn't expect it. It's as though you almost expect the person to say something nice or maybe apologize. I had learned this from experience. I continued.
"It's sad really. A physcriatrist might say you're using the love and attention of your son to make up for the absence of a male admirer in your life. You know a male who would give you more the 5 minutes of his time. I mean besides dad but even then he left. And we all know how Justin was made".
I had now developed an evil laugh in my tone. My mom big brown dark body was now shaking more than mine as she moved back from me slowly like I was a ticking bomb ready to explode. I noticed this but still countinued because Once I startedI couldn't stop.
"Hmm sperm banks arereally useful thing in this day and age for ladies who can't get a guy on their own. Well this is expected since when you were my age you didn't actually have any friends to go out with so you wouldn't understand. I guess you were spending too much time stuffing your mouth with donuts to have any friends let alone go any dates. You're so pitiful it almost makes me want to cry but I only show sympathy for people I love. No wonder dad left you."
Angry tears rolled down my mom's chubby cheeks as she walked back towards me. I could tell she had reached a breaking point and it made me feel good to know I wasn't the only one in the room who was emotionally unstable. After what seemed like forever she reached the counter I was standing by and stood in front me. She stared at me as if she saw me for the first time. Then without a sign or any type of warning her fat brown hand whipped across my face leaving me in utter shock. As the pain settled in and my face began to get hot, rage tore through me like a thunder storm. Now bothof our rage was layed out in front of us ugly and brutal and I didn't know what to do with it. I felt the need to get away. As I ran up the steps to my room I saw my mother crumble at the bottom of the stairs and screechafter me.
"Your father was a coward!!!! A selfish bastard!!! "
But no matter how loudly she screamed it I refused to believe it, I knew he was out there somewhere in New York City just wanting his baby girl come back to him. I layed down on my small neatly made bed with hot tears running down my face as I stared at the picture for what seemed the millionth time. A Korean man sitting on a hideous peach colored arm chair holding a wrinkly and yellow faced new born baby. His eyes shone with a type of love and pride that I had never seen in my mother. The type of look I had been longing to get all my life. Light rain drops began to fall against my window as I began to think how nothing would keep me away from someone who loved me that much. Nothing, my last thought died as I fell into a deep dreamy sleep. I was going to find him.