“Pardon me?” Asked the most diminutive man, scratching his head in confusion.

“Does Elmo know you’re missing?” I asked, keeping my face impassive.

“What are you talking about? Stop these shenanigans or else!” A wild-eyed guy, I supposed to be their leader, exclaimed.

“Or else what? You’ll force us to learn our times tables?” Evan looked at me, fear evident in his eyes.

“What do you think you’re doing?” The elf hissed, making me realise my tongue had run away with itself again.

“Sorry, verbal diarrhoea. Once I start, the words just keep on coming.” I shrugged apologetically, making a mental note to just shut up the next time I was being threatened by a crossbow-wielding gang of drag-queen wannabes.

“Right, prisoners , turn around. The Queen will deal with you.” Crazy eyes growled. “Edur, Izotz. Bind their hands.” I rolled my eyes and turned away. Now what was I going to do?

“Never fear fair maiden, I shall save you!” These are the words which echoed around the tunnel, making everyone including the cast of Sesame Street look up in astonishment. Swinging down from an overhead icicle was a fair-haired youth, smiling like an imbecile.

“Who the heck is that berk?” I whispered to Evan, who shook his head blankly.

“Oh great, it’s the bloody prince!” The feather-clad leader groaned, clasping a hand to his lined forehead. “Seize him!” Edur and Izotz hurriedly began to fire arrows at the flaxen-headed prince, whilst I looked on baffled.

“Haha! You couldn’t hit me in your wildest dreams.” He called out triumphantly, landing gracefully on his feet beside me. “My lady.” He purred, reaching for my hand. Thankfully, before he had the chance to slobber all over my fingers, there came a soft thud, and he fell to the ground in an untidy heap.

“Phew, that was a close one. Thanks dude.” I nodded gratefully at Edur, who had just thumped him on the head with the smooth end of his bow.

“No problem.” He grinned happily, before his brow creased in thought. “Wait…shouldn’t I be tying you up?” Damn, I hoped in our few short seconds of bonding, he would have momentarily forgotten about that. That’s when I was blessed by a Christmas miracle.

The First Noel, the Angels did say…

Wait, that was my phone. Pulling it out of my skirt pocket, I stared down at the screen to see an unfamiliar number light up the screen. I totally forgot I had this! Who would have thought you could get reception in this place?

“What sorcery is this?” Cried the leader, backing away from me hastily. He was afraid of my mobile phone? Jackpot!

“Stay back or experience the curse of the ringtone!” I cackled maniacally, pointing my phone straight at them. They huddled together shivering, like newborn chicks in a nest. “Now, get lost back to you’re Queen and tell her-” I tried to summon up and intelligent threat but my mind was on a coffee break. “-To bring it on! I’m ready for whatever that frosty be-yatch throws at me!” Dashing down the nearest tunnel at high-speed, they were soon out of sight, much to mine and Evan’s delight.

“You saved us!” The elf laughed, dancing around the tunnel like he had just heard there was a half-price stripy sock sale at Bloomingdales. Now, I’m not sure if elves even shop there, but I’d ask him that later.

I grinned back at him, though in my mind I was wondering when I had changed my ringtone from Wham!’s Last Christmas?

“Don’t you ever pick up your phone?” A voice drifted over from behind us. Oh no. So that’s who had changed my ringtone, I should have known, I mean, The First Noel?

Duh.