I Left My Heart In Cafe Craeneburg

Chapter 17

The rain poured down in every direction. It seemed sympathetic to my emotions in a way because it was flying from the sky in a torrent; reflecting everybody’s emotions. People I barely knew were here, all crying. I couldn’t even hear the vicar through the deafening sound of my heart beat in my ear. Tears threatened to escape but I held them in- I was the only one that was. Even still, my body trembled from exhaustion; I hadn’t slept. I couldn’t. Sleep was a way to forget; to be happy. But I didn’t want to be happy...I wanted to remember them, keep their memory alive. They were all I had and they were gone. Extinguished like a candle flame. And they were like brilliant lights to me; crazy, yes, but I loved them still. And now when people ask me “are you alright?” I won’t be able to answer truthfully like I used to. I’ll just smile and say yes. And they will nod and be on their way. Because, people aren’t genuine; they don’t care to see past your lie. As long as they asked, then their conscious is clear.

So now, I won’t cry. I’ll just go to sleep. I can live in a fallacy that they are alive and well. I could imagine that I died along with them, that this is some weird dream thing that, then I open my eyes, will fade away in the morning light.

But it won’t. Because, as I watched the coffins go down, I realised something. The weight of it crashing down onto me. I was alone. Completely  alone. They would take me somewhere to live with strangers that don’t care about me. Then,, when I’m eighteen, I’ll just...do...nothing. I have no clue how to survive life anymore. And that brought the first salty tear onto my cheek. It melted into the rain, invisible. My clothes were soaked through, they clung to my skin. But I didn’t care for material possessions like that. People are what mattered, and I had none.

As soon as the coffins were covered in soil, they put me in the back of a black van and drove off. And I looked out of the tinted windows at my fractured life, saw the headstones. That’s when I vowed to never love anybody else.

 

I woke up to find myself in my house. Wait, no, it wasn’t my house yet. There were people sat around a table and I was crouched in the corner looking frail and half-dead. The people, I now knew to be, were Lacey, Jordan and Taylor. But there were two other people sat there also. They were holding hands and looked so in love, you could see it. Lacey introduced them as Alex and Alice Jacobs. She said that they were in a band of some sort and that they were friends. I knew back then that Alice was a nice person, she seemed it, and Alex just looked too tall...like my dad. Back then, Taylor was young and he looked happy...more so than he did today. Was that my fault? I never knew but something about this family felt safe. But I didn’t want safety; I wanted mum and dad back. But no such luck. My younger self smiled shyly at Taylor and he smiled back. “Want a cookie?” He’d asked and then I knew I’d found some happiness at least.

 

I woke up, trembling. I hadn’t thought about those days since they happened. I did manage to teach myself not to love anybody or get too close but Taylor refused to let me win, he was too darn stubborn for that. Instead, he protected me and we grew like best friends. I gave him relationship advice and he beat up the idiots who came my way.

I sat up to discover my pillow covered in tears. I reached up with my hand to feel my cheeks and saw that they were caked in dried tears, so much so that I couldn’t move my face properly. So I took a long hot shower.

 

Lathering the sponge, I realised something. I was wrong. All those years I ignored my heart and never formed proper friendships and that was wrong. I guess I drew myself inwards so I wouldn’t get hurt but that wasn’t good for me. I needed people around me to heal and get over my parent’s deaths. I’d been so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t notice other things. Lacey and Jordan aren’t bad guardiens; they just wanted to give me space. I knew that I should apologise immediately for cutting myself off from them but I decided to listen to my heart. And it was telling me to go next door. So that’s what I did. I threw on some jeens and a yellow hoodie and ran straight out the door, across the lawn and onto Jace’s porch. I banged as loud as possible and he opened it immediately.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, a worried look forming on his face.

“Nothing, I just decided to follow my heart.” I said feeling a bit stupid standing on his porch at midnight.

“What’s it say?” He asked curiously.

“It’s telling me to kiss you.” I admitted, shifting my weight onto another foot; something, I later learned, I did when I was nervous.

“Well we wouldn’t want to disappoint it, would we?” he grinned pulling me inside.

“Nope” The rest of that sentence was drowned out by him slamming me against the now closed door. Our lips suddenly met, furiously moving in sync. My arms wrapped around him of their own accord, his body pressed into mine. Suddenly, all I cared about was being as close to him as possible. That meant clothes had to go. Grinning, I tugged on Jace’s t-shirt, dragging it upwards. He knew immediately what I was doing and took it off. His lips moved down to kiss my whole face, down my neck to the bottom of my hoodie where he yanked it clean off.

“No t-shirt?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I was in a hurry” I shrugged, “Now shut up” And I pulled his head upwards to meet my lips. He chuckled at me before picking me up bridal-style and carrying me up the stairs. I was barely jostled as he ran. I felt completely safe in his arms like they were made of impenetrable steel. It was like nothing could hurt me ever again, I relished the feeling. I knew, deep in my brain, that I was thinking like a mushy romance character but for once, I didn’t care. Because I was exactly that. I was in love, deeply. So screw the world. I was going to be happy for once, so everybody would have to live with that.

I chuckled in joy before stepping out of the last of my clothes.

Yes I was completely naked. No I was not in the shower. Did I care? No. No I didn’t. Jace did, though, because he was suddenly in front of me kissing me fiercely.

“You sure?” He breathed in my ear causing me to shiver.

“I’m listening to my heart. It says yes” I replied, fumbling for his belt buckle.

“But is it what you want?” He asked, holding my face and looking into my eyes.

“Without a doubt” I said, finally finding it.

“Good” And that was all I needed to find happiness. I should have listened to my heart ages ago, but then again, if I had, would I still be in this place, falling deeply in love?

Probably not. So I did the one thing I could.

I let go.

No thoughts at all. Just me and Jace here, now. Nothing else mattered.