The Purple Phase
Claustrophobia (Peter Antler's Mix) - Choir of Young Believers
You can sit and cry and cut yourself in a dark circle all alone but the reason behind you cutting yourself is sealed up underneath those cuts and you're trying to inch closer and closer to death and with every tear that pours from your eyes a face fades into your brain. Your mind tangles around it. You think of death. It tangles it while you think of death.
The blood bubbles out and I can feel the release. The feeling just before that release felt a whole world of ugly. There was always a reason I'd stop. Aside from my rewarding release, I knew that someone in this world would care about me and my feelings. Even the people that didn't care about me cared about my feelings. It was me. I was stuck inside of my body torturing myself. My head screaming and repeating words at me. I knew that when they said it those words weren't true but when my mind screamed them over and over again I was convinced that they were. I liked my life. I loved waking up in the morning to the blue skies and I loved to feel my heart beat but in some instances I would just be this pure sad color that loomed everywhere and these small slithers of dried up dying skin would be hidden for no one to actually see. No one would ever know my sad feelings .
I was shoved against a locker while the sky is blue outside. My face hits the metal hard. My hands try to push the figure away. A hand wraps around my neck and they scream at me. But for what reason? I just sit there not answering them as their hand gets tighter hoping that my head will burst off of my body. They repeat the question over and over again. I cry. I don't cry because it hurts but at this point I'm particularly scared. I'm afraid that maybe they will kill me. In that moment of almost killing yourself you think of one person. My brother was that person and as of now, he's nowhere to be found.
Even though you have no friends you think of one person that means a great deal to you and you'll never actually be able to see them again because of how numb your body is making you feel. You want to live for them when in fact they live for you. Once that person is gone it doesn't matter anymore and finally the questions are over. The hand unravels from my neck and I look into the girls eyes trying to figure out how amazing she must have felt while she was doing that. How strong did she feel while her fingers were pushing into my veins? The hand belonged to Melony Hanson. She smiled at me and shoved me again as I wiped the water from my face.
"You are such a pussy." Melony hissed. Her body turned from me and she walked away. That momentary awesome feeling that'd been coursing through her veins must have felt a heart full of awesome. She'd had so many problems for the past month but i could only sit back and doo as little as not caring.
Teenagers are so despicable. As long as you have a fan base no one ever cares. The shitty halls at my school would be so empty of their scum if they would off themselves. Of course they'll cry and cut into their skins but if they're still living they aren't doing it the right way. If they're still living they're only doing it to free themselves from that horrid backed up feeling. But, sometimes that backed up feeling is only felt amongst a shitty class in this grade of the human race. It's like a cold in your heart. You can reason with someone and tell them that you'll do it but you love that person enough to care about their opinion to it all.
The risky ones are the silent ones. The ones that never cry. The ones that smile and understand the way that the world works, Like me. The ones that aren't noticed. Those are the risky ones because as soon as they disappear off of the face of the earth, the moment they decide to off themselves is the moment that all of that grimy goop has left their body and they get to leave to a better world to fly over the clouds. Their bodies are like temples that hold A Black grime that won't ever disappear until they help it free.
The day that I figured this dreadful fact is the day that I walked into the girl's locker room. Her beach blond body hunched over as she sat on a bench sniffling away. My shaky steps approached her and I touch her shoulder having her panic and slice red blood from my skin. The razor shook in her hands as she stared down at the mess on her arm. My body settled next to her and I looked into her eyes and I could literally pounce on her. I could pounce on her and rip her face from her skull. Melony Hanson sat in front of me holding the razor. Her wrist was bleeding all over its tangled ridges.
"Go away." she cries. I chaff standing from the bench.
"Do you know how full of yourself you are?" I cry pulling my bleeding wrist into my hand. "Next time your try to 'kill' yourself, try locking a door or two." I cry. She stares forward to me. "You can't do this." I tell her. I push her from the bench to the floor. "You can't feel sad about anything! You can't experiment with this! You can't feel what I feel. The only thing you can do is go to your nice life and fuck off from mine. Do you think people are going to sympathize with you?" I howl. I grab the razor from her and I throw it to the other end of the room. My body shakes feeling with anger. "You think it's funny to mock me?" I ask. I look to the razor. "You people think you're so cool and you get to try things and you want to feel a certain way and you want to do certain things that we do and you want to be sad but you can't be sad." I cry. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SAD IS!" I bellow. My voice wasescaping me. I turn from her walking from the room feeling my body collapse. My heart waspoundsing. And that's when the 'purple phase' began.
A/N: Sorry for any grammatical errors. If you would like for me to update you on the progression of the story let me know... Bee Tee Dubbs,I have like 17 chapters already typed out so yeah just let me know if you want me to keep you updated.