Claustrophobia (Peter Antler's Mix) - Choir of Young Believers
For the past month I've walked into school to more people that were pale with feeling. Melony Hanson caused this controversial illness that I wouldn't be able to do anymore. Boys started to reason with the small claws climbing up girl’s arms. People wanted to feel one another. I wanted to shove myself into my locker. My scars matched everyone else's that didn't mean a thing. I open my locker and a hand snakes around my wrist. I pull my arm back and I look up to see my brother who slurps on an Icee. He was disgustingly happy. He wasn't cool and he wasn't a loser.
“Do you have my house key?” he asks leaning against the wall of lockers. “You should have it. Mom said she asked you to make a copy of it.” He spits out as he chews on his spoon. I can hear the plastic crunching around inside of his mouth. I ignore him pulling my jacket down over my arms. I dig back into my locker feeling him pull closer to me slurping more of the ice cream. “Dude… I know you hear me Pantcie-Poo.” I look to him then back into the dark locker. “Are you on drugs?” he asks. “Whatever, I guess you'll have to go to the basketball game with me until you find out.” he hums. I close my locker and I grab my backpack from the ground. “Are you going to say something? You're like a mute bitch all of a sudden.” I clear my throat. His friend, Adam walks with us looking to me.
“You're coming to the game right?” he asks him. I look to my brother, Ben. He looks to me as I slow down to let them get ahead of me. I hated being around they two at their peaks of excitement because they loved for me to be excited and since I was never excited they would a: make fun of me or b: get upset with me and make fun of me. Instead of choosing to walk with them I walk alone clutching onto my backpack strap. My eyes shift around the hallways at the crisp button-ups and the excessive number of plaid skirts. My eyes me Melony, she stands at her locker wrapped in her jacket with her sleeves pulled over her wrist along with her stupid copy minion Crystal. I hated seeing that those two of all people were sad. I groan as my eyes meet Melony's. I look from her wrapping my hands around the strap tighter feeling my blood boil. I look down at the scar and I bump into Ben who laughs as I fall onto my butt. He helps me up pulling at my hand. His hand pulls away and a small blotch of red blood coats his finger. He doesn't notice though. He just laughs pulling his arm around me to smear the blood onto my jacket. “Then, we can stop by the movies and go see that new scary movie.” He suggests. My phone vibrates in my pocket and I groan feeling its existence. “Do you want to join us? I know you love movies.” he pants as I pull his arm from around me.
“I don't want to be under your influence for the whole afternoon.” I tell him. He laughs along with his friend as I part way from the two to enter my class. It was literature and we were reading for pleasure today. The book wasn't our choice but I liked it anyways. It was called “thirteen reasons why” and from the summary I'd read online, I'd been hooked to it. It was pure teen agony. Melony joins the class taking her seat beside me and she lays her head down on her desk. I could just use some sort of pulley system to help her sit up and look around. You don't have the right to be sad when you're envied. No one wanted to be my friend and I still kept my head up in class. My phone vibrates again and I pull my phone from my pocket.
I'd been tagged in a picture. 'Why doesn't she just kill herself already' flashes on the screen. I shut my eyes as my body heat escalates. My arms fold and I put my head down to hold back the tears. I click around on the trashy phone to see that there's a picture of me from the year book. The grey pigment of my face glares back at me. The caption underneath reads 'the cutter' and I can only think but cringe. I look to Melony and my body shakes as I stand from my desk. I would push her but that would only help me. Instead, I look to her and I bite my lip sucking in the thin perpetrated air that makes me even warmer on the inside of my body.
“Thanks Melony.” I tell her. I manage to let that escape my body to slap her in the face. I can feel my stomach turning. I walk from the room clutching my stomach in my hand and I groan. I rush forward, toward the restroom. I hear shouting ahead. I speed up as it's the distinctive voice of my brother. I meet him at a turn and he frowns at a wall with his friends hand on his shoulder. There is a picture of me on the wall staring back at him with a link. His phone lays in pieces on the ground. His eyes flick to me but he doesn't seem to see me.
“Where the fuck is Jimmy?” he yells. He rips the picture from the wall and crumples it up. He throws it pulling from his friend. “Get the fuck off of me.” he storms forward away from me. Adam’s eyes flick to me. He groans and stays in his place. He turns to me and slowly walks to me pulling me into him to hug him. He'd groaned like it would kill him to hug me when he didn't even have to.
“Don't kill yourself okay.” he whispers into my hair. I wait for him to let go of me and he groans again pulling his hands through his hair.
“I'm not going to kill myself.” I crunch up the strands of my hair as he stands in the middle of the hall in silence. “Melony Hanson does it too.” I tell him. “She does it for the attention.”