Outside, the Sky Is Green -2-
Take Me Somewhere Nice - Mogwai
Ben makes me sit on the roof with him after an outburst I have with my father leaving me to cry. My sniffling seems to piss the two off seeing as they sigh every five seconds. My face is swollen. I stay huddled up to myself as my brother and Adam share a bottle. There use to be that time where my father and I would sit and watch TV for hours together and as time went on, people start to get crazier and he starts to get crazier and I start to go insane. Ben starts doing drugs and the time and space of our family is lost. Everyone see it in his eyes when we try sitting in a circle for dinner. We can't even enjoy each other's silence. It's like a mess of loud when everyone's silent. It's like a circle of friends but, everyone's friends with themselves and no one can fit in with the people around them.
I love it when they just decide to play music. Somehow, I feel that they know how doomed our family is. The only noise to us is the sound of Ben popping pills and me ripping through my skin. We don't care what our parents do in secret. I don't think it's every even crossed my mind. Do they do drugs or cut themselves. Sometimes I let myself think they're a figment of my imagination. They just magically disappear when the leave the range of my ears and eyes. I look to Ben and he scratches his chiseled chin raising an eyebrow. He did that a lot when he found himself thinking. Because of course, he never thinks. Adam catches my eye as he flicks the ashes from his cigarette. He looks at it and shakes his head. He was also thinking but when he thought, his eyes would crunch together frequently and he would exhale as he came to his conclusion.
They don't talk to me. They just stay quiet looking out ahead of them. Their vision blurred and their minds screwed. I wipe the tears from my face not being able to stop them. Ben looks to me and he clears his throat. I don't know if that meant shut up or quit crying. One of the two and I'd be completely fine.
My mom pulls into the drive way. Her lights beam up at us all creating a glare on my right eye. He pulls over to the window and slides back into his room silently. I would have followed him but I didn't want to have to show my mother my face. I think maybe she'd be ashamed of me. Or maybe she would be upset. Adam looks to me and smiles digging into his pocket. He hands over two pills and the bottle. What is he thinking?
"Pancie-Poo should have a little fun." he says. His face is sad. My face is probably as sad as his and I try for scanning over alternatives but instead, I take the pills down coughing as the alcohol burns my throat. He laughs and grabs the bottle. His palm pounds against the glass bottle and he scoffs as I pucker up my lips and cringe shaking the chills from my body. "Why don't you talk to me?" I roll my eyes from him to the other side of the tamed jungle behind my house.
"I don't know you." I repeat. He'd never given me the time or space of his life. I grow nervous as the reason why I'd finally stalled his attention crept into my brain. I could be some fanatical science experiment. I fiddle with the black plastic band around my finger then I fidget to my lip picking at it.
"You said that earlier but I'm starting to be convinced that you probably just hate me." I didn't hate him he just ticked me off sometimes. He was too happy. He scared me a tad bit. I didn't mind his presence but I also felt that when I was present in his company he was trying to strip me down to expose my layers. He pulls into the window and helps me into Ben's room. His hands are soft and moist. I hated that because in the grasp I felt as though they would drop my on my face. In a literal since he actually would. I follow him downstairs to hear my mother and Ben having a whisper fight. She flicks her head into my direction and smiles this disgusting sympathetic smile that makes me turn up my lips. She grabs my hand and pulls me over to her. She grabs my face and examines it tilting it up. Her eyes scroll over the bruise.
"What happened to your face?" she asks. It was more of a scream. I push her hands away. I ignore her question staring into her eyes. Adam and Ben leave the two of us to stare at each other. I think she wants to say something important but right now I want to be in her presence because I know that I love when she's in mine. She has this smell that makes me glow on the outside of my body and he voice is one that always excited me. "I want you to um." she clears her voice. "Strip down to your underwear." I look from her and back into the door way of Ben's room. Fuck her presence!
I bite my lip clinching my jaw to hold back words that shouldn't leave my face. Her face is stern and she looks into me. I would love to call for Ben. His door way is dark and no matter how much I try to imagine him there, he won't be.
"No." I tell her. I could go for hearing it come from her mouth. "Why?" She pulls off her pea coat and sets it on the coat rack. Her scent races toward me and I rotate my jaw.
"Penny, they put those pictures all over your father's car." she cries. "Please just listen to me."
"What pictures?" I ask letting my face play this blank grin. I am sad as of now but, I don't even think I'd like for her to know. Something in my body wants me to just be happy and smile. She rolls her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose to groan. He body slows and my mouth slowly slides open before I even notice and I quickly gain my composure again.
"Jim!" she calls. I pull my hands into my pockets. He walks out scratching his head. His eyes are red and bruised. "You need to do what I say." she commands. She'd never been this mean to me. Her body slows again and I notice my hands are pulled from my pockets. I clinch my fist at her.
"No, I don't really want to." I scoff. My mom wipes her eyes as a tear sneaks through.
"Do it Penny." my father groans.
"Do you guys hate me?" I ask. The question was a serious as my mind would let me make it. But it was about time to strip down away from seriousness. "It seems like you do. Why does it matter that I cut myself? Just today you pushed me and I hit my face, maybe that's why I cut myself." I start. I can feel my heart beating in my chest. Usually you can't actually feel it unless you concentrate on it but that was the last thing I was actually thinking about.
"Don't talk to me like that Penny." he scolds. I laugh and the room blurs.
"I don't want to talk to you anymore." slips from me just before my knees buckle and I fall to the ground. My mother stands by my side as I laugh. I can't stop laughing. The room around me spins. My mother pulls to my side and grabs my arm. I slide it away from her.
"What the hell are you doing Penny?" I can't stop laughing and the room spins less than before but it still swivels out of control. My father lifts me rushing me past the long hallways. My hand dangles dusting the air and I can feel it dangling. I am particularly cold and my toes curl as I laugh in his arms. He drops me into the tub as my laughing slows. He turns on the water running it onto my head. I scream being startled and I'm done laughing. My body feels like its sinking. My hands and feet are burning as the hot water smashes onto them.
"Penny!" my mother yells. My father sits on the ground beside me rubbing the wet hair from my face. He watches me like a child from the outside of the shower. His head rest on his arm. I look from him to the tiled wall. The feeling is actually bearable. I felt as though my cheeks were melting or maybe that was my eyes. I can't decipher the difference between real and imagination.
"What's going on?" I hear Ben.
"She's okay right?" Adam echoes into the room. I bite the fatty side of my cheek letting my eyes glance around the room to create pictures for me. The thin lines swirl into things that aren't actually lines. I pull my hand to my cheek to rub the soft skin. My father pulls my hand back and grabs the other one.
"Ben, go get me a couple of band-aids." He orders. I scoff as I look into his eyes.
"The walls are moving." I whisper.
"Penny, did you take anything from Beth?" Ben asks. I nod my head. Hoping he wouldn't blame Adam. I'd really feel bad if he did. "What was it?" I hold up two fingers and I stop smiling. My father lifts me forward sticking his hands into my mouth. His finger tickles the back of my throat. Out comes everything and by then, the sky is green. The sky is green just like my puke that lies at the bottom of the tub.