I stared in blankness as the words of my boyfriend or rather ex-boyfriend haunted me and no matter how I distracted myself, it just kept playing in my head. I couldn't move forward and get on with my life eventhough it happened four fucking months ago. It's hard to forget when all I did for the last three years we've been together was to show him in my own way how much I loved him. He was my first boyfriend, my best friend and my life. When I looked at his brown eyes, all I can see was my future with him. His smile could brighten up any gloomy day, just like what he always did to mine. Yes, I knew the first time I met him that he was the one. He's the one person who could lighten my mood when I felt like killing everyone, or my brother and his annoying brothers, so to speak. He was the person I think of every morning and even when at night, he was the last person who put smile on my face before I drifted to sleep. The love I gave him was the kind of love that was selfless.
"France, did you hear what I just said?" Brad asked me with irritation. He kept talking the whole time, explaining why some things were not meant to be and that promises were meant to be broken. But all I could comprehend was the fact that he's leaving me.
"Why?" I kept my head low, and nailed my eyes to the food in my plate.
Suddenly, my appetite had left me. Yeah right, who would want to eat no matter how delicious they looked when your boyfriend was breaking up with you? Definitely not me.
"This isn't working for us anymore. You definitely don't want to be in a relationship wherein all you have to do is argue even the smallest things. Your jealousy is getting into my nerves. You sound like a nagging wife everytime I went out with my friends. You suffocate me. I don't want that kind of relationship, France." He held my hand and my heart leaped. I will never be immune to his touch. "Stop doing that."
"I don't even know I was doing that." I retorted. Biting my nails (which was sooo gross, by the way, ew!) was my best defense when something was bugging me out. It's some kind of stress reliever.
For the first time during this dinner, I looked at Brad and was surprised by the hurt in his eyes. Somehow, it lessened the pain in my heart knowing that this wasn't an easy one for him too. If that's the case, then why was he breaking up with me? I don't get it.
"I suffocate you?" I didn't hide the hurt in my voice which only worsen the awkward atmosphere between us. I know I have to tone down this jealousy a bit. I'm a nag, I admitted that to myself long time ago. But who could blame me? Brad was the center of my attraction. Apparently, I was not the only one. With all the beautiful girls ogling on him, sometimes I wondered what he saw in me. And him telling me that I was not like most girls he dated did not reassure me and set aside these undesirable thoughts building in my head. Hence the mishaps for over a month now. "Why didn't you tell me? It's not my intention to suffocate you, you know that."
"But you are." Brad looked at his watch then back at me. "Look, I have other things to do tonight. I'm so sorry, France. I really am."
"Brad, please." I clung to his arm when he stood. "I'll do whatever you want. You want me to change? I can do that. I won't even bother you when you're with your friends. Or even get annoyed when some groupies snatched you away from me. Just please, please don't break up with me. Don't leave me. I love you."
I was literally begging him like an idiot with people around us. Talk about self-respect! But that's the least of my concern at the moment. Brad moved away and shrugged my hands off of his arm.
"Don't, France. Please don't. You're one special girl and you don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. Don't stoop so low and embarass yourself. I'm sorry."
I stared at the door Brad went out to hoping any minute by now he'd come back and ease all the pain inside me. When an hour passed, I knew I was waiting for nothing. I pulled out some bills to pay for the untouched food. The nerve of that guy, he did not even pay his share!
I walked through the pouring rain, oblivious from the curious eyes of every people I met. They maybe thinking I was some sort of a psycho. I wiped my tears although it's useless. I wanted to shout to lessen this hurt that was growing inside me, I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to hurt Brad. But I also wanted him back.
I heard my phone rang but I ignored it and walked towards God knows where...
I wiped the tears that formed in my eyes as I closed EL James's Fifty Shades Freed.
So much had happened for the past months and it's time for me to move on and stop thinking about Brad because I knew he was never coming back. And even if he was, I don't think I could forgive him that easy.