Am I Happy?

Right now, I’m okay where I am. For the moment. That’s the thing with me though, things with me are momentary.

And in my mind I love to think that I can last in a commitment and remain in one place with one person for at least a while. But I can’t.

I get bored.

I get tired.

I get resentful.

I am confused.

I’m resentful towards myself because I’m confused and upset that I can’t last longer than what seems to be a millisecond in some form of commitment.

I am constantly thinking,

analyzing,

preparing,

over analyzing,

underestimating, 

and over stimulating myself when it comes to these things.

And now here I am, doing exactly what I just said I do, like always.

I am a mess.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I want what I always can’t have.

I take risks that I shouldn’t.

Sometimes it ends good and sometimes it shouldn’t be repeated.

But then there are always the what ifs. What if I didn’t risk what I may risk and possibly lose?

Is it worth losing?

No. I’m okay where I am now.

But am I at where I feel I should be? No.

Will I ever be? Maybe.

I guess I’ll figure it out eventually.