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TIDE SONGS

Poem By: Anna Therese
Romance


This poem was inspired by a dear friend who had a gathering of her very large family and special friends and said proudly to us “It all started when a girl (she) went walking down St Kilda beach”.
This is not her story, plenty of poetic license used (yet it is very much her story.)
I hope it doesn’t come across as “corny” - I want to impress how pure, true love, the sort that survives a life time stands above everything else that might have happened along the way.
ENJOY!!
(Note for Tarot: As this poem came together the fall and rise of the tide came to mind and I attempted to emulate this with the placement of words/phrases…and the eventual fall away at the end…rarely have I consciously attempted this within a poem. I was inspired to give it a go by you! With the statements of fact which create the poem e.g. “A girl walked down St Kilda beach” I kept firm to emphasise solidarity. Not sure if it all works or no?
Readers may be the judge. As always I welcome suggestions on how to improve)
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Submitted: Jul 2, 2008    Reads: 103    Comments: 24    Likes: 16   


A girl walked
down St Kilda beach
her eyes drifted
soft dreamy blue
like the summer sky
her hair shimmered
whispering silvery gold
like the shifting sand
and her smile warm and sunny
melted over passers by
like sweet, silken honey
A boy walked
up St Kilda beach

his eyes shone dazzling

dancing green

like the wild ocean

his hair tossed

in brown waves

bold with sea spray

and his laugh proud and young

spilled over passers by

like the bright and brassy sun
A girl met a boy
on St Kilda beach
the dreamy blue sky
merged
with the wild
green ocean
and locked arms
Two girls, three boys
a mother in child
a father with watchful eyes
walked along St Kilda beach
their eyes swam
dancing blues and greens
like the sun and sky
reflected water
their hair flowed and glowed
with cheeky light
and delicate shade
sunlit children’s laughter
echoed together melodies
and the woman’s eyes met
the man’s eyes
in peaceful harmony
A large, extended family
shared a picnic
upon St Kilda beach
children, grand children, great grand children
pulled towards them
(aware of the nearness
of the tide
tickling their toes
yet always
drifting back)
their beloved “Ma” and “Pa”
frail and old now
eyes dimmed
gentle and serene
like the aquamarine water
on a windless day
hair faded silver white
like the quiet sands
and smiles and laughs
wavering, hushed
but still reverberating
precious enduring memories

A man walked one last time

up St Kilda beach

searching

for eyes

dreamy blue
for hair
whispering gold
and her smile
warm and sunny
melted over his aching heart
like sweet, silken honey.


16

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Comments:

gerabel
gerabel

I wouldn't even begin to attempt to suggest any improvements! What a "wonder-full" poem, Anna. I was captivated from beginning to end. I felt the ebb and flow of the tide within a lifetime of love. A joyous creation...

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Jerry your final comment sums up what I intended this poem to be! Thank you. Pure and simply, "A joyous creation".

Classy Peach
Classy_Peach

gentle and serene
like the aquamarine

My gosh. Layers and layers and layers of stories, similies, metaphors...is this heaven? meehee!

I love it. I love how simple it is but has a billion layers. I love how you gave a rise/fall action like a current. Gosh, your writing ROCKS. I look up to you often.

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Classy I think sometimes we overlook the "heaven" in our own lives in the pursuit of the intangible. (eg. why do people go travelling? To find something more exciting and different that can be found in their own "ittle" lives - then sometimes when you get there you find people doing much the same things as you do, houses, buildings, work and there is dissappointment) Arrghh! In a philisophical mood this morning.
Glad you liked this one as it is very different to your writing (but we can all appreciate the "differences" in poetry)

ScatterBrain
ScatterBrain

You know me and poems, (and if you don't, they are tough for me, tough to write and tougher to read.)

I did like it, though. I can't say, as far as poems go (meaning structure, etc.), if it is good or bad. I can say, that for me, it's imagery brought my mind to Cape Cod, Massachusetts, and meeting my wife for the first time then growning old, happily, together.(that's not how I met her, but as I read the poem I imagined it.)

It reminds me of a picture, it is more like a sign, that hangs on the wall above my family pictures and it read, "All Because Two People Fell In Love." Well, thanks for sharing. Ted

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Ted, a comment from a poet who rarely visits "structure" conciously - my advice to a beginning poet would be to write without! Now not being an expert I may be completely out of whack here but I think emotion, sentiments, words first and see how it flows and sounds and reads. You will find if you write this way when re-reading it will be obvious if a word or a sentence is out of place and not needed. (and on the whole you will then meet the needs of rythym etc. ryhme if need be - you will notice with this poem I used rhyme sparingly - no structure here but yet it still offers something as a "poem"?)
In so saying all this I would enjoy someone more literary offering structure and rythym, ryhme, metre etc challenges!!!!!
Thanks so much for reading Ted. Sorry about the "lecture"!

craaig
craaig

Honestly brought a tear to my eye.

craaig.

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Craaig it did mine too whilst writing (and don't forget I also know my friends story, different, but already a partner gone) Thanks for reading and comment.

matthew smith
matthew_smith

wow, i just love this poem. So many images. I love how you weave together the human and natural elements, and how both seem to grow and interchange together. Memories and associations with places have a special place in poetry. Time and place share equally in the memory of our past, in the footprints of our existence. The poem portrays the beach as a timeline in the history of this family. It’s as though you are walking along the beach passing different periods of time until you come to a point where the end meets the beginning, if that makes any sense. The images hold a lot of colour and a great sense of love. A very beautiful poem of love and family, friendship and the environment we experience all this within.

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

I am very happy that the reader also senses some of what I felt whilst writing. Thanks you so much for your thoughtful, sensitive comment Matthew.

ScatterBrain
ScatterBrain

No need to apologize for the "lecture." I saw it as advice and I got something from it. Something that I can use to help me. Thanks You. Ted

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Ted I would love to see some debate on the topic structure vs. free style (and other) on poetry!! A new article idea for me perhaps?

MAmberConrad
MAmberConrad

I didn't necessarily got "romance" out of this poem, as I got a beautiful family starting, growing, and finding beauty on a beach. I like the ebb and flow of your lines, like the ocean. Gosh, I love the ocean. Haven't seen it in a while.... Maybe I'm due for a vacation soon.

MA

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

I guess MA there was the original romance and then the developement of a loving family. The thing is, it is all so true and many of us emulate it in our lives, some of us don't.
And yes, too long for me not seeing the sea as well, I pine for it (as one of my poems tell, can't think of the title off hand)
Thanks so much for reading and your comment.

Pratibha
Pratibha

It's like a fairy tale with perfect ending and flow...now this is what I was searching....a balance ....

growing together as a family in all situations and adversities....

Posted: Jul 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Sweet comment Pratibha, but a real life fairytale - can happen.

Tarot
Tarot

*faint* Bleedin' 'ell, Anna. Brilliant. I laughed. I cried. I'm tongued tied by the beauty of this poem. Considerations: "like the bright and breezy sun" I like the plusive "br" sound, but can the sun be breezy? You might want to look at "swum". Shouldn't it be swam?

I've tried to post an alternate positioning of the words in your poem, but good ol' Booksie is not conducive to my arrangement of your words on a page. Post an e-mail address on my booksie homepage if you would like me to send you a copy of how I would position the words in your poem.

Posted: Jul 3, 2008

Author Comment:

Dear Tarot,
I am overwhelmed with the brilliance of your suggestions! When I first read them it was all quite overwhelming (heavens I have used overwhelming twice in a short space of time but no other word will do!) but like a very good student I set to work and before too long I could appreciate the power of the word placements you so generously and cleverly suggested. Without going in to read your poem "A Life in Passion Dies" (though I certainly will, just wanted to do this “on my own” firstly) I experimented with the word searching and ended up with what I felt was a satisfying result. BUT ALAS BOOKSIE DID HARDLY ALLOW ANY OF IT!!!
Where does one learn such stuff Tarot? (University literature maybe - perhaps I don’t want to know?)
I am still intrigued to know if the general reading populace would appreciate word/phrase placement or if they look at a poem like I do (or did, I may look at in a new light now) and ask themselves “I wonder why this is all right aligned ad vertical?” for example.
When I read the completed poem, formatted as you suggested, I suddenly felt very proud of my work (and yours!!!) and was quite teary about how it came across to me as a reader as well as the author (if that makes sense?)
Point taken also about my “swimming” tense. (Alas, tense is something I always have to watch.)
And you taught me a lesson Tarot – well, another one! – because I wasn’t overly confident with “bright and breezy” when I first published the poem because of exactly what you asked me, but I didn’t want to say “bright and cheery” which didn’t seem to quite convey the cheekiness and carefree confidence I wanted either – so I “made do” and hoped the reader wouldn’t notice. A most valuable lesson indeed! Never underestimate the intelligence of the reader who will pick up straight away on “make do” words, forced rhyme and stories that bore the author.
On re-read I snuck in and changed a word or two (whilst being very aware that over-editing can cloud the freshness of poetry.)
Who knows, a new writer may emerge from the Australian wilderness yet!!!
Thank you Tarot, I really cannot thank you enough. I hope I have done your suggestions justice, the sentence placement that unfortunately is now only centre aligned on my re-publish looks beautiful on my computer.

Tarot
Tarot

Here is a rough idea of how I would arrange the words of your poem. My goal in choosing this arrangement is to reinforce the image of the man and woman coming together and drifting apart ( the tide of their relationship if you will).

Think of the blank piece of paper as St. Kilda beach. The right hand margin is the direction from which the woman is walking. The left hand margin is the direction from which the man is walking. Therefore, place the following stanzas on the right margin:
"A girl walked
down St Kilda beach

her eyes drifted
soft dreamy blue
like the summer sky
her hair shimmered
whispering silvery gold
like the shifting sand
and her smile warm and sunny
melted over passers by
like sweet, silken honey"

The final letter of the last word in each line should align vertically. Hence, the "d" in "walked" from line one should be directly above the "h" in "beach" from line two.

Place the following stanzas on the left margin:

"A boy walked
up St Kilda beach

his eyes shone bright
dancing green
like the wild ocean
his hair tossed
in brown waves
bold with sea spray
and his laugh proud and young
spilled over passers by
like the bright and breezy sun"

The first letter of the first word in each line should align vertically. Hence, the "a" in "A" from line twelve should be directly above the "u" in "up" from line thirteen.

The boy and the girl meet. Change the words to a center alignment for these stanzas:

"A girl met a boy
on St Kilda beach

the dreamy blue sky
merged
with the wild
green ocean
and locked arms"

More to come . . .

Posted: Jul 3, 2008

Author Comment:

ALAS!!!!!
You will have to trust that I did the word alignments as suggested. Booksie kept playing tricks with the beautiful word placements. (looked so stunning) You will have to imagine.
ARRRGGGH! Why won't it just copy and paste as is? I will have to try some other way...???

Susan Hartline Fouts
Susan_Hartline_Fouts

This brought many tears to my eyes. It is absolutely beautiful and flowed gracefully.

Posted: Jul 3, 2008

Author Comment:

Susan thank you so much for coming to read my poem and I'm glad it touched you.

ScatterBrain
ScatterBrain

Go for it, that would be an interesting article. I like that advice from Tarot about the structure, too. Ted

Posted: Jul 3, 2008

Author Comment:

I am about to digest all the advice. Tarot is sort of like having a creative teacher (albeit an excellent one) on-line. (Tarot, I wonder if on-line writing advice could turn into a lucrative business somewhere?)
Thanks for dropping by again Ted, I think Booksie is becoming a very rich community with people keen to improve their writing and some who have good things to offer on how we can do that.

Tarot
Tarot

After reaching "and locked arms", I would use the "k" in "locked" as a margin reference point. The "s" in "boys" from the line "Two girls, three boys" would vertically align with the "k" in locked. The "a" in the next line, "a mother in child", would be vertically aligned with the "k" in "locked" and the "s" in "boys". Continue with this alternating pattern until you reach the line: "A man walked one last time".

My thinking on this alignment is to reinforce the image of the man and woman walking hand in hand. You can extend the metaphor to represent the merging of the man and woman into one entity. A byproduct of this configuration is that you get a "tidal/sound pulse" effect.

Upon reaching "A man walked one last time" return to using a left margin as the man is walking alone once more. Continue using the left hand margin up through "whispering gold". Return to the right hand margin at "and her smile" and use the right hand margin for all the rest of the lines in the poem. My thinking here is to reinforce the idea that while the man is physically alone a part of him is still with his wife. Hence, the shift from the left margin to the right margin. Whew! *wipe forehead* If that isn't enough I would toy with the idea of breaking apart the word "searching" like I did with the word "wandering" in "A Life in Passion Dies" with the letters progressing toward the right hand margin. The general alignment would be a "middle/center" alignment for the letters in the word "searching". The lines: "for eyes
dreamy blue
for hair
whispering gold"

would be generally "middle/center" aligned with a gradual shift toward the right margin.

I contemplate this arrangement for two reasons. First, I want to slow my reader down, I want them to search along with the man. Second, I want them to feel the bewilderment the man feels at the loss of his wife.

Just some thoughts. :)

Posted: Jul 3, 2008

Author Comment:

Tarot you have provided me with much to think about. What i will do is download all your suggestions to peruse over the weekend when I have a bit more time and then work on the poem and see how it looks and feels. Then I aim to re-publish and hope that booksie will appreciate the editing changes.
So at this point I won't respond to all your comments except to say thank you so much for taking the time to look at this for me. Your generosity is a most wonderful present for an aspiring writer. Please know I don't take it lightly because I know how much time and thought must have been involved.
THANK YOU
I will let you know how it all goes.

air
air

oh Anna, I Adore this poem!!!
Absolutely Adore it!
I even had tears at the end. :)
hehe, I see I was not the only one who had tears.
oh, wow, what a beautful, beautiful read.
~katie

Posted: Jul 3, 2008

Author Comment:

I am so glad you enjoyed the read even if it was a sad one. I am now about to re-publish with Tarot's suggestions - I think they are vast improvements!!

Anna Therese
Anna_Therese

ARRRGHH!!! Booksie defragmentation of formatting makes me weep!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: Jul 5, 2008

Anna Therese
Anna_Therese

Thank God most people have read this because the new (improved?) version looks like a jumbled mess at the moment! (Beyond my words eh??)

Posted: Jul 5, 2008

Kred35
Kred35

It made me cry.....
Such a beautiful poem.

Posted: Jul 5, 2008

Author Comment:

THank you so much Kred. Beautiful, sad but joyous in my mind.

bubbly
bubbly

hi! anna. a soulful poem. u can fill our hearts with this poem alone. superb. lol. ;-)

Posted: Jul 9, 2008

Author Comment:

Bubbly thanks for reading this - a favourite of mine.
Please take some time soon to join my "challenge"!

Classy Peach
Classy_Peach

My usual re-reading of your works!

Posted: Jul 10, 2008

Author Comment:

How kind you are to re-read! Have you read Punishments poem "Grey" - it truly intruiged me, (as does much of your own work Peachy), mine is sadly transparent in comparison.

ReganFinch
ReganFinch

Anna, you are now one of my favorite poets just because of the sheer awesomeness of this poem (and I can be very critical, hehe ;) ). The stanza structure is what stood out to me (as with everyone I believe) but your wording is as good if not better. The words are placed perfectly and your descriptive and even personal techniques make this one unbelievable. I'm definitely going to have to keep my eyes on your work :)

Regan

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

Author Comment:

Regan, so kind of you. You must know that Tarot helped me out with the word placements - and in fact booksie hasn't reproduced them nearly as well as "we" intended - so near enough had to be good enough. Love to hear some of your critiques some time - I'm always up for advice!

jadey oneil
jadey_oneil

I'll never lose sight of loved ones till I grow old. :-)

I love the setting and the plot presented in this piece. A great write, Anna! ^^

Posted: Jul 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Jadey thank you so much.

Urja
Urja

Anna, what a beautiful poem this is! The girl and the boy were like elements of nature personified so that they could love. That is why the separation at the end was not as sad (for the reader) as it otherwise could have been - one goes back to being elemental, but the love story continues.

Posted: Aug 10, 2008

Author Comment:

Urja I think what the magical thing is about this poem it is based on real people - real people who obviously have had ups and downs, trials, tribulations - but love endures and the legacy endures. A lesson to us all perhaps?

Annie Legend
Annie_Legend

Anna, I replied to this and then my connection to the Web crashed so don't know if I am repeating myself. Hard to think up something original to say after all of these wonderful accolades that you have (so deservedly) received. I would love to have seen Tarot's suggestions re your formating as I was already sucked into your poem by the way you had it set out. Loved it! Annie

Posted: Aug 10, 2008

Author Comment:

Annie thanks so much for dropping by and I have this message, not sure if there is another? I may try again with the formatting one day? It looks stunning. Your comments are so appreciated.

EdwardJBradleySr
EdwardJBradleySr

Anna Therese:

Most naturalistic. Interesting for it's choice and treatment of theme, structure and presentation.

Gave it an "I Like It" vote.

Happy trails,

Ed Bradley.

Posted: Aug 27, 2008

Author Comment:

So pleased you read this one Ed, I am very fond of it. The structure didn't quite eventuate the way it should have, only in a roundabout way. The "real" structured version looks wonderful.



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