(Version 1)
Oh my dearest Lover,
How you taunt me.
Your eyes, aglow, but hidden from all.
Away, you hide from me in your slumber,
And force me to await the dawn again.
Too far are you from me,
In these days of youthful bliss and love.
Fifty miles, each a pitfall, I am kept from you.
In each would I gladly die,
just to reach your view again.
Your voice, even, would sooth my soul,
Oh, but your eyes, that blissful stare,
Your piercing glow, a gaze of beauty.
I long, daily to make that trek.
Tarry I on, in sorrow, just to see you again.
(Version 2)
My dearest Lover,
How you taunt me.
Your eyes! Aglow, but hidden from all.
Away, you hide from me in your slumber,
And force me to await the dawn again.
Too far! You are from me,
In these days of youthful bliss and love.
Fifty miles, each a pitfall, I am kept from you.
In each would I gladly die,
Just to reach your view again.
Just your voice, would sooth my soul,
Oh! But your eyes, that blissful stare,
Your piercing glow, Gaze of beauty.
I long, daily to make that trek.
Tarry I on, in sorrow, just to see you again.
Comments from when I had it posted before:
this one is great! 'Fifty miles, each a pitfall, I am kept from you.' is what got me, Im giving it an I LIKE IT vote!
Posted: May 31, 2008
I really liked it. The longing and the pain of seperation are plain. Long distance sucks. Nice job.
Posted: May 31, 2008
I joined so I could comment...but now, staring at the empty "Add Your Comments:" box, I find myself at a loss for words.
Thank you. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Posted: Jun 1, 2008
You two are a cute couple. Fifty miles apart, and together here on Booksie. I ticked the I like it too.
Posted: Jun 1, 2008
Buford:
Good one. Well written. Gave it an "I Like It" vote.
My view, with regard to rhythm, can be found in my response to the "joy milton" comment appended to "Love Intended: #1, #2 & #3".
In a poem, of this sort, the fewer words and syllables, on some lines, the better. Strive to rhyme as well, when possible.
Examples: Suggested deletions in parentheses "()".
(Oh! m)My dearest Lover,
How you taunt me.
Your eyes! (, a)Aglow, but hidden (from all).
Away, you hide from me in your slumber,
And force me to await the dawn again.
Too far! (are you) You are from me,
In these days of youthful bliss and love.
Fifty miles, each a pitfall, (I) am kept from you.
In each would I gladly die,
(I j)Just to reach your view again.
Just (Y)your voice, (even,) would sooth my soul,
Oh! (, but y)Your eye's(, that) blissful stare,
(Your p)Piercing glow, (a g)Gaze of beauty.
I long, daily to make that trek.
Tarry I on, in sorrow, just to see you again.
Let me to encourage you to revisit this, periodically, to see how you may wish to revise (and, perhaps, improve) this to suit your own liking. Keeping new versions within this same posting.
Happy trails,
Ed Bradley.
Posted: Jun 1, 2008
Very good poem............
Posted: Jul 25, 2008
Posted: Jul 27, 2008
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