Those were the first words I had been thinking when I realized what happened to me. When I noticed she wasn't looking at me, but looking down, as if she was looking at my feet.
But she wasn't looking at my feet, in fact that assumption now seems silly. She had been looking down upon my body...my lifeless body just lying there on the sidewalk, soaked with my blood that had seeped through a knife wound. I had been stabbed by some guy that had randomly started screaming at my girlfriend, saying things so gross and wrong, horrible names I don't even wish to repeat for you. I couldn't help myself, he had made her cry and turn away from me. Embarrassed by the names he yelled at her, as if she thought they were true. He made the love of my life feel lower than inferior. I had no control over what happened, I just started hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him until he bled. It didn't once occur to me that he might have been armed. But it was too late. His blade took my life before I could stop him. He ran away after he stabbed me, ran off into a plunging darkness. Darkness I was sure he had been born from.
“Jack?” said Eva, the love of my life. Or shall I say demise. “Jack!...Oh-no-n-no- Jack!”
When I saw the look on her face, even though I was dead, I felt my heart break. She was so beautiful, seeing the vast amount of fear and anger in her eyes made my pale transparent skin even paler. I saw her tears and her soft shoulders shake, her skin growing pale as her fingers clutched at my face. I couldn't look anymore..I just couldn't.
I turned around and walked away wondering to myself:
'Why haven't I passed on?'
I walked, or rather floated, my feet hardly felt the concrete beneath with each step I took.
I saw the ambulance Eva must have called, or maybe some pedestrian who hadn't bothered to help us. I couldn't bring myself to see her again, not until I was sure that hurt was off of her face.
Three months had past, and still she seemed depressed and she become unnaturally jumpy. She started to carry a taser, and she never left the house for anything except school. I watched her behavior in school, she seemed so distant her friends didn't even talk to her anymore. Her grades were disappointingly low and her beautiful thick red hair seemed to be thinning.
She was letting herself go. Her spirit was fading and she soon stopped going to school all together. Her mother tried to send her to therapy but when I watched her there she never uttered a word.
I cried with her as she cried for me most nights. She was so alone, holding the teddy bear I had won for her at a fair as she wept her heart out, soaking the bear.
I would wrapped my arms around her as she slept, knowing full well she couldn't feel my touch. But sometimes she'd flinched in her sleep when I touched her cheek...and that worried me.
Was I somewhat solid?
Could she touch me?
Could she hear me?
I never spoke when she was in the awake. I was afraid I would scare her or she'd think of herself as a hallucinating psycho. So I just sat and watched her as she lived her life.
Though I wouldn't call it living.
She seemed deader than me. A whole year had passed since my death and I had never left her side. Sometimes I thought I saw her look at me, then look away as if it had only been a trick of the light. But something was changing; when my hand brushed hers she would look right through me then back at her hand. One time I coughed while she watched TV and I swear she jumped.
She could here me!
And that is what inspired me to try such a stupid stunt.
I spoke to her.
Later that evening, after the cough incident, I force myself to say something...anything to her. I needed to talk to her again. It was not an option to procrastinate any longer.
While she lounged upon her bed, reading some kind of self-help book, I spoke.
She gasped nearly tossing her book.
I smiled. 'She heard me!' I thought excitedly.
“Who's there?” she said, panic quickly rising in her already tense body.
Then something even more unusual happened.
Her eyes widened in horror and she screamed.
I had suddenly become visible. She could see me.
“SHUSH! Are you trying to wake the whole house!” was all I could say. I didn't want her parents thinking she was delusional.
“You're not supposed to be here!” she hissed at me, and quite loudly if I may add.
She started to get her taser out of her nightstand drawer. And , to my surprise, started towards me with it.
“Eva! Stop! Please! “ I ran into the far corner of her room away from her. I had seen her taser a guy once before; he had only stopped her to ask her for directions...and she panicked.
“What the hell is going on!” I felt that this was to be an actual question, but since I had no answer I treated it rhetorically.
“What happened to you, Eva?” I said in a half whimper.
Yes I was quite afraid of her at that moment.
“You know what happened to me.” She said so softly I could barely hear her.
She dropped the taser and fell to her knees. She just sat there on the floor, gazing up at me, her eyes glistening with on-coming tears. “You're a ghost aren't you?”
I nodded, still standing in my corner.
“Why can I see you?”
“I don't know. But Eva you cannot scream like that again. You are lucky your mother didn't hear you.”
“What did you expect me to do! Squeal and run into your ghostly arms in warm passionate embrace?”
I could see her starting to shake now. She was getting upset, and the taser was only a few inches away from her.
“How long have you been here?”
I hesitated, though I couldn't for long. It's not like it would make my answer any better.
“A little over a year...”
She sucked in a large gulp of air and held her breath.
“Eva..please I can explain why-”
This was the first time a woman, other than my mother, had made me cringe. She was furious. The tears glistening her eyes started gliding down her now flushed cheeks. Her hands frantically shaking.
“You knew what I was going through and you show yourself now?”
“I didn't know I could!”
“It was you that touched me last night wasn't it? I assumed it was a dream! Why didn't you tell me, Jack!” she was screaming at me now, and I was afraid her mother would come to check on her.
“Please stop screaming-”
“How can you tell me to stop screaming! You have been dead for over a year and you expect me to listen to some pathetic excuse?”
“I was scared, Eva!”
“Of you! I was to the sadness in your eyes...it hurt! I couldn't look at you without that painful stab to my heart! I loved you-still love you...I couldn't face what I had done and then look you in the eye with my own ghostly eye .”
“If you loved me you would've done something.”
“I couldn't! And I'm sorry!”
“I deserve more than that!” She cried. “I blamed myself! All this time...I blamed myself for what happened to you.”
Her words diminished my fear, I floated swiftly to her at a shocking speed and gripped her arms tightly in my hands.
“What happened to me was NOT your fault!” I shook her little, not to hurt her, I just needed her attention. “You didn't call the love of my life a used up golddigging whore! You didn't tell me to fight him! You didn't tell him to stab me!”
“I didn't do anything, Jack-”
“What could you have done? I would have done it even if you weren't there...and I would do it again for you.”
I let go of her arms and stood a few feet away.
“Why would you do that?”
“You know why”
“Even love has its limits, jack-”
“Love never has limits...”
I took a step towards her and leaned in to kiss her lightly on her soft lips. I felt the shock of the kiss as soon as our lips met. I pulled away and took two steps back.
“I've been watching you since three months after my demise, Eva. I know what you've been going through.”
“I couldn't let go of you.” She said taking the remaining steps towards me, taking my hand in hers. I'll never understand how we could touch, but I loved her touch and I didn't care about the physics of it.
I didn't care about a lot of things I should have. Maybe I thought that because I was dead it didn't matter. But I felt stuck in the middle, and maybe technically I was. I never went to heaven nor hell. I was just a ghost no one could see, or touch, or talk to. I felt more alone that I ever had. But then, so had Eva. And she was the live one. She suffered so much because of me, and in return I ignored her pain. Stalked her living corps.
I knew if things stayed as they were, now that she knew I was here, that this wouldn't work.
My heart steadily started to ache as a gut retching realization reached my thoughtd.
I had to let her go. “Eva,” he started, “ I need you to do me a big favor.”
“Anything.” I said.
“I need you to be happy.”
“I am happy.”
“Without me...I need to let you go. We need to let go.”
His words shocked my heart. I needed him always, and when he finally shows himself to me he wants to leave?
That is inconceivable!
But at the same time... it made sense.
I couldn't be with him, a ghost, that would only cause complications for my life and throw guilt in his face for starting this in the first place. I knew him well enough to know that that is what he was thinking.
And I knew even more that he was right. Thought the truth hurt more than anything, I had to move on and live, and that was not a request.
“You're right...” I finally said. “But what will I do without you?”
He gazed thoughtfully at me with his handsome green eyes and said:
“What you should have done a long time ago...”
He held me close to him in a tight embrace and whispered in my ear: