Ah Zee's small note: Please don't
take it to heart that this story is bout a girl in love with her
teacher. I've seen many people does that and it occurred to me
that I should write a story about it. I perfectly know that
having something more than being just a student to a teacher is
I was often bullied in school
but because I was patient, I had always considered that being
bullied was just a small test from God. It was just to test the
limit of my patience. Was being patient a mistake? Sometimes, if
I think back, it was really a mistake. My friends used to put all
the blame on me when they were at fault. I would never argue back
or voiced out my anger because I was too patient, too timid and
scared to lose the friendship I had with them. But in the end, I
had to let go of that friendship. I can take any blame they want,
but I can never agree that I had 'purposely' snatched someone
else's lover. I refused to take that blame yet everyone sees me
as one. Because of that, I had lost everything. I had to swallow
my pride and held my head high each time I entered school. It
feels, everywhere I went, everyone was whispering behind my back,
saying how cruel, how bad I was. I lost my self-confidence
forever. I will never get it back again. Once lost, forever
I spent one whole year, living
in hurt and insults. I closed the doors of my heart and turned
into a very cold person. I trusted nobody. My trust was limited.
Those who deserved it were a few of my true friends, the ones
that really stuck close with me when no one believed me. I
stopped talking to everyone I knew, even if they had not believed
the lies, I had ignored them completely. They were complete
strangers to me. Treating others this way never brought me the
old happiness I yearned for. Actually, I did not know who I was.
I put on a fake smile and laugh but it never made me feel any
better. It was not me anymore no matter how hard I tried to be
who I was in the past. I wished I had lost my memory. I didn't
like living like this. It was too cruel. I felt I had only myself
to be blamed. I hated myself to the core. The enemy I had was me.
In the end, the only thing I could do was to get myself busy with
my studies and shifted all my top priorities to my CCA. I told
myself, I was living for my CCA, my dreams and my family. As long
as I stuck to that thinking, I won't be too hurt. I will
eventually forget my horrible past.
I lived with no past for 365
days not until I met this teacher. Actually, I seemed to have met
him before but I had no courage to confirm that with him. When
the first time, no maybe it was the second time, I met him in my
CCA room. He came into the room, saw me and I looked back at him.
He asked me, "Are you that photography girl?" I shook my head.
"No. I'm in animation," I said and then went back to my work. He
walked across the room and resume with his work. I left a few
minutes after that. Personally, I had this funny feeling that he
seemed to know me and I seemed to have seen him somewhere. Then I
remembered that he was at last year's National Photo Art
Competition Award Ceremony but I was not sure whether it was
really him. He was the first guest to have greeted me back when I
was on duty. He was the 'blur' part of my memory.
I got to know him slowly. I was
the president of my CCA club and naturally, I had to be closer to
the teacher. I did not know what really made me do it, when the
first CCA meeting, I asked him whether I could call him 'uncle'.
It was a joke, but I did not realised, when I had said those
words, I had a real smile. I was no longer pretending to be happy
at that time and probably I will not pretend anymore
I used to live in the world of
darkness, never smile, giving everyone cold shoulders and
everyone thought I was arrogant. I admit. I was arrogant. I was
badly hurt and insulted and that was the only way I could stop
hurting myself and hating myself. Suddenly, I stopped. I
abandoned what I truly had been doing and followed him. I stayed
alone in the CCA room with him often even though I knew I could
have used that time to study, hanged out with my family but I
chose to stay with him. He was not attractive but when he smiled,
it made my heart flutter. It was an amazing feeling. I wanted to
know what really made me feel like this. I was curious to know
why I had changed. I wanted to know if I was responsible for the
pain I had in my heart ever since I met him.
Even my friends began to realise
that I was not myself anymore. They were much happier with the
new me. Slowly, I learnt to step out from my darkness. I had so
much of everything now. I became quite well-known in school for
my devotion and loyalty towards my CCA. My hard work was paid off
with a few awards I received. I became friendlier, learn how to
initiate conversations with strangers and most importantly, smile
a smile of true happiness. Every happy moment I had, I had
someone to share it with. He was one of them.
Perhaps, he was sympathy towards
me. He knew I was trying hard not to let others hurt me for the
second time from the way I had been talking and the way I made
decisions. It was obvious that I had given up and resigned
everything to Fate. But ever since he exists in my life, I was
not allowed to give up. He said I have to get back my
self-confidence. I still remember those words he said it to me,
"From where you fall, you have to pick yourself up." I had never
given anyone second chances, what more myself. I barely allowed
myself to believe his words. It came true months after that.
Nothing is impossible. He guided me with my maths and with a
history of failing maths for nine years I realised that it was
possible to pass that subject.
Sometimes, he meant a lot to me.
Without him, what should I do? Without him, I don't dare to
imagine what it was like. Sometimes, I really hate him. I know he
cares for me but I knew that was not what I want. I had to let go
things that were not mine. I got back everything I had lost and I
am seeing those who had hurt me suffering. It appeased my anger
but that was not I wanted. I wanted to be someone and being the
only one that brought Media Club successes but I realised, I was
not quite happy. I am missing a lot in life.
I had lived as someone who has
no memories and now, the present memories I have to forgo them.
Those memories contained the happiness I felt, and the feeling of
being 'somebody' in school. I cannot bear to let it go. I don't
want to live with no memories. It is too empty, too painful. He
used to play with my hair, pinched me, poked my back, made fun of
me, teased me but most importantly, he appreciates me for who I
am, how can I let it go? I may have viewed all the things he had
done differently but I cannot help it. I felt he was like
God-send. Like an angel, I couldn't keep him. He has to return to
where he was supposed to be. Each time I wanted to forget him, he
will always appear in my memory once again. If I had not met him
during the Photo Art awards ceremony, I wouldn't have... No, if
he had not greeted me... No, if I had not started teasing him
about calling him 'uncle'... No, maybe if I had not allowed
myself to believe his words, things wouldn't have turned out like
this. Sometimes I wondered: if this happiness was not mine, why
did it come to my way? Why did it have to appear and then go
away? I would not have started in the first place if I knew it
was turning like this. Love is a mistake. It was the biggest
mistake. It was my biggest regret.