Ah Zee’s small note: Please don’t take it to heart that this story is bout a girl in love with her teacher. I’ve seen many people does that and it occurred to me that I should write a story about it. I perfectly know that having something more than being just a student to a teacher is impossible.
The biggest mistake
I was often bullied in school but because I was patient, I had always considered that being bullied was just a small test from God. It was just to test the limit of my patience. Was being patient a mistake? Sometimes, if I think back, it was really a mistake. My friends used to put all the blame on me when they were at fault. I would never argue back or voiced out my anger because I was too patient, too timid and scared to lose the friendship I had with them. But in the end, I had to let go of that friendship. I can take any blame they want, but I can never agree that I had 'purposely' snatched someone else's lover. I refused to take that blame yet everyone sees me as one. Because of that, I had lost everything. I had to swallow my pride and held my head high each time I entered school. It feels, everywhere I went, everyone was whispering behind my back, saying how cruel, how bad I was. I lost my self-confidence forever. I will never get it back again. Once lost, forever gone.
I spent one whole year, living in hurt and insults. I closed the doors of my heart and turned into a very cold person. I trusted nobody. My trust was limited. Those who deserved it were a few of my true friends, the ones that really stuck close with me when no one believed me. I stopped talking to everyone I knew, even if they had not believed the lies, I had ignored them completely. They were complete strangers to me. Treating others this way never brought me the old happiness I yearned for. Actually, I did not know who I was. I put on a fake smile and laugh but it never made me feel any better. It was not me anymore no matter how hard I tried to be who I was in the past. I wished I had lost my memory. I didn’t like living like this. It was too cruel. I felt I had only myself to be blamed. I hated myself to the core. The enemy I had was me. In the end, the only thing I could do was to get myself busy with my studies and shifted all my top priorities to my CCA. I told myself, I was living for my CCA, my dreams and my family. As long as I stuck to that thinking, I won't be too hurt. I will eventually forget my horrible past.
I lived with no past for 365 days not until I met this teacher. Actually, I seemed to have met him before but I had no courage to confirm that with him. When the first time, no maybe it was the second time, I met him in my CCA room. He came into the room, saw me and I looked back at him. He asked me, "Are you that photography girl?" I shook my head. "No. I'm in animation," I said and then went back to my work. He walked across the room and resume with his work. I left a few minutes after that. Personally, I had this funny feeling that he seemed to know me and I seemed to have seen him somewhere. Then I remembered that he was at last year's National Photo Art Competition Award Ceremony but I was not sure whether it was really him. He was the first guest to have greeted me back when I was on duty. He was the ‘blur’ part of my memory.
I got to know him slowly. I was the president of my CCA club and naturally, I had to be closer to the teacher. I did not know what really made me do it, when the first CCA meeting, I asked him whether I could call him 'uncle'. It was a joke, but I did not realised, when I had said those words, I had a real smile. I was no longer pretending to be happy at that time and probably I will not pretend anymore forever.
I used to live in the world of darkness, never smile, giving everyone cold shoulders and everyone thought I was arrogant. I admit. I was arrogant. I was badly hurt and insulted and that was the only way I could stop hurting myself and hating myself. Suddenly, I stopped. I abandoned what I truly had been doing and followed him. I stayed alone in the CCA room with him often even though I knew I could have used that time to study, hanged out with my family but I chose to stay with him. He was not attractive but when he smiled, it made my heart flutter. It was an amazing feeling. I wanted to know what really made me feel like this. I was curious to know why I had changed. I wanted to know if I was responsible for the pain I had in my heart ever since I met him.
Even my friends began to realise that I was not myself anymore. They were much happier with the new me. Slowly, I learnt to step out from my darkness. I had so much of everything now. I became quite well-known in school for my devotion and loyalty towards my CCA. My hard work was paid off with a few awards I received. I became friendlier, learn how to initiate conversations with strangers and most importantly, smile a smile of true happiness. Every happy moment I had, I had someone to share it with. He was one of them.
Perhaps, he was sympathy towards me. He knew I was trying hard not to let others hurt me for the second time from the way I had been talking and the way I made decisions. It was obvious that I had given up and resigned everything to Fate. But ever since he exists in my life, I was not allowed to give up. He said I have to get back my self-confidence. I still remember those words he said it to me, "From where you fall, you have to pick yourself up." I had never given anyone second chances, what more myself. I barely allowed myself to believe his words. It came true months after that. Nothing is impossible. He guided me with my maths and with a history of failing maths for nine years I realised that it was possible to pass that subject.
Sometimes, he meant a lot to me. Without him, what should I do? Without him, I don't dare to imagine what it was like. Sometimes, I really hate him. I know he cares for me but I knew that was not what I want. I had to let go things that were not mine. I got back everything I had lost and I am seeing those who had hurt me suffering. It appeased my anger but that was not I wanted. I wanted to be someone and being the only one that brought Media Club successes but I realised, I was not quite happy. I am missing a lot in life.
I had lived as someone who has no memories and now, the present memories I have to forgo them. Those memories contained the happiness I felt, and the feeling of being ‘somebody’ in school. I cannot bear to let it go. I don't want to live with no memories. It is too empty, too painful. He used to play with my hair, pinched me, poked my back, made fun of me, teased me but most importantly, he appreciates me for who I am, how can I let it go? I may have viewed all the things he had done differently but I cannot help it. I felt he was like God-send. Like an angel, I couldn’t keep him. He has to return to where he was supposed to be. Each time I wanted to forget him, he will always appear in my memory once again. If I had not met him during the Photo Art awards ceremony, I wouldn't have... No, if he had not greeted me... No, if I had not started teasing him about calling him 'uncle'... No, maybe if I had not allowed myself to believe his words, things wouldn't have turned out like this. Sometimes I wondered: if this happiness was not mine, why did it come to my way? Why did it have to appear and then go away? I would not have started in the first place if I knew it was turning like this. Love is a mistake. It was the biggest mistake. It was my biggest regret.