“No” I heard him say. I stared into the deep brown eyes of the boy who’d stolen my heart. The single word played back in my head, over and over until I realized it’s meaning. I sat in silence, debating what I should say. He looked over at me, “I’m sorry”, I turned away, avoiding his stare as I waited for more explanation, “It’s just, I don’t think we’re meant to be together”
“Why?” I said finally.
He stood up, “We’re not the same, Bailey, I’m not like you, you aren’t like me”
“What do you mean?” I wondered out loud.
“Well,” He started, very clearly struggling to decide which words to use to explain his situation, “You’re a quiet person. Me? I’m one to make an ass of myself in public”
I quietly giggled at his explanation, “Can’t we just try it? I can change?”
“I understand” I lied as I watched him walk out the front door of my house, into the night, and for the time being, out of my life.
The room only grew darker as I stared at the blank TV screen, still thinking about him. Moments later, my mind drifted from the thought of him to the past – what brought us together that night.
“Would you ever like me again?” I asked to him on instant messenger one night after school.
I must have surprised him, he took a while to answer, but when he finally did he said, “I don’t know… Why?”
“It means nothing” I said, a little upset with his answer.
“No… You wouldn’t say it for no reason?” He told me.
He was right. In truth, I still loved him. I’d loved him ever since the day I dumped him two years before, but I didn’t have the guts to tell him until then.
“You’re right” I told him.
“So?” he said, waiting for the explanation… an explanation I wasn’t quite ready to tell him yet.
My fingertips started pressing keys and soon I’d told him everything. Two years ago, just months after we broke up for the last time, something changed. At night, my dreams were filled of visions and fantasies of him. During class, my mind would wander onto thoughts of him. After 2 years of the torture of only dreaming about being with him, but never being able to touch him in real, I knew it meant something.
“Am I a loner on this one, or do you think that’s just weird?” I asked him after he’d heard my story.
“It’s weird” He said
“Yeah, well I think you’re getting where I’m going with this?” I told him.
“Have you ever kissed a guy?” He asked, his answer far from what I expected.
I didn’t know how to answer. I knew he didn’t like girls who hadn’t kissed guys before, I was one of them, but I wanted him to like me. “No” I told him, hesitant about the truth.
“You can probably tell, I don’t like square girls” He sent back. Square being a term for people who hadn’t kissed someone yet.
Offended, I asked why.
“I like to make out with my girlfriends.”
“And who said a square girl wouldn’t make out with you?”
“No one, I just don’t think you would”
And that’s where the idea of “proving it” to him came from. It was something we talked about for weeks. Despite how much I wanted to, I didn’t feel it was right to make out with someone just to get them to like me. After talking about it for so long and nothing happening, it seemed like we both gave up on it. Maybe he forgot about it, but I didn’t. By night, dreams of being with him still haunted me, by day; I just simply couldn’t stop thinking about him.
After a summer of not seeing or talking to him, we were back in school. When I saw him for the first time, memories of the summer’s dreams came back in a wave. I missed him even more.
After a long fight about why I shouldn’t have to come with her, she and my sister went out the door. Fifteen minutes later, I opened the same door, face to face with him.
Not many words were exchanged until we got down to my bedroom, an embarrassing mess, but I didn’t mind – I was finally with him,
“What do you want to do?” I asked, breaking the silence
“Whatever you want to do,” He answered, sitting down beside me on my bed.
That was about the time I realized my underwear drawer was half open, with a very quick move I slammed it closed, making him laugh.
Seconds later, his lips pressed firmly against mine. My eyes slowly closed, recognizing the familiar feeling of kissing him. We stayed like that for a few minutes until he moved back. Smiling, I opened my eyes, staring into his.
“Am I bad?” I asked, wondering why he wasn’t coming back for more, like I wanted.
“No, no” he said laughing, “Better than some”
“Good” I said, not really sure what else to say.
He leaned foreword again, until our lips met again. We leaned backwards until we were laying down, him on top of me. His tongue made it’s way into my mouth and his hand moved towards my pants. Expertly, he opened the buckle and I hesitated in shock. He led my hand toward his, but I left his alone, in my mind thinking ‘save something for later’, not realizing there wouldn’t be a later.
My dog started barking and I rose quickly. Running up the stairs, I checked the window, realizing that my dog was still only barking at him.
Although the coast was clear, he was still worried about being caught, “I better go” He told me.
“Fine” I said, not really worried, assuming we’d have more time together later, “So then, will you go out with me?” I added when he didn’t say anything else.
He knew my secret, he had my heart, he gave me nothing more than a kiss and a years worth of fantasies. There was only one secret I didn’t tell him, and it was the thing I found most amazing. When I saw him, it didn’t feel like I hadn’t seen him in years. I knew him, as if we’d been together just days before. When his lips finally touched mine, I was comforted with a familiar feeling. When I stared deep into his eyes, I saw someone I’d seen so many times staring back at me. But for the first time, it was real, but somehow, it felt like I was still dreaming.
©2008 Bailey Thompson