When You Walked Away
I was looking right into her eyes trying to find out how she will live after ending this up. It was a moment of uncertainty; in fact I had been thinking the whole night how I will be able to let her go after our last meeting. If I tell truly, I never really thought that this day will come. I was amazed on her courage that how she was sitting right in front of me without getting weak or shedding any tears from her beautiful green eyes.
I can't tell for how many minutes we looked at each other without saying anything. While watching those traditional romantic movies, I always wondered how two people can look at each other for minutes and minutes without saying anything especially when they mean everything to each other. Now I understood how real it was. Now I realized you can't say anything even when you have too many words and questions in your mind kicking and screaming inside of you to come out. Yes, those scenes in the movies, those unspoken words, those strange dialogues, everything was so real, it was just me who didn't know it existed in the real world. My mind was racing, but was stopped at the same time. I didn't know what to do or say, I had only 30 minutes, we had only 30 minutes, to say good bye, to end our relationship at an unfinished turn.
Finally, she couldn't stand the fire of my eyes and turned her eyes down to the dining table where 2 glasses of soft drink were resting; full and untouched.
"Is that it?" I finally opened my lips to ask don't know what but ended up on these words.
She stayed quite.
"You don't have anything to say?" I asked again.
At that moment she looked as sad as I never saw her before. I realized she had made her mind. She wasn't going back. She just came to say bye. In fact I insisted her to come and say it on my face, otherwise she didn't have the guts or courage to show up and say it on my face that she wanted to end it up. It wasn't something that she was doing for her own interest, but it was for the betterment of both of us. Our circumstances weren't allowing us to stay together, we could never be together. She never asked me to marry her. She always asked me to be there with her. She was realistic; she knew I can't give her the life she needed. She was a single mom who got divorced only after couple of months of her marriage, while I was a 19 year old teenager who just started his professional career and had a long path to travel. We never made any promises to each other when we accepted to each other that we are in love and can't live without each other. Since there was no promise, she wasn't expecting one to be fulfilled. Instead, she was ready to leave. She was standing at a place where she had to bend her head in front of her parents, her family. She had to move on with her life, maybe with somebody else. Somebody who was divorced or 'aged' enough to marry a single mom. It was the rule of my society, it was the rule that had been following for years and years.
"You will not say anything?" I asked one more time.
She stayed quite for a few seconds then she opened her lips.
"I don't deserver you honey. You showed me the meaning of life. You took me on the destination of endless love with you. You deserve better. Forget me. I was never the right option for you. You have a long life to life. You have to achieve endless medals of success." She said by squeezing her lips into each other.
I felt like my heart was nailed with a sharp knife.
"You are like a trapped bird with me." She continued. "I am letting you go." She finally broke down. I saw a crystal clear tear falling down from her left eye and slid to her cheek.
"No baby. Don't say that." I felt like losing control. I got closer to her and wiped her tear from her cheek with my finger. I held her face in my hands. She was looking down. She had lost the courage to look into my eyes.
"I have to go, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Be happy, always. Find a girl who is not 3 damn years older then you and who can be with you and whom you can trust. I had to go, or either you had to. We knew this was going to happen, didn't we?" She said in a whispery manner but every word she said hit me like a sharp blade. It was getting tougher to say good bye. In fact I could not say it, and I never did.
"No baby. We can get through it. You will need to be strong. You need to trust me." I was driven with all the emotions I had. How could I let her go, she was my love and more importantly, I knew she won't be able to live happily without me.
Again there was a long silence. I felt warmth on my cheeks. I touched them. I could not believe for a moment, I was crying. I never knew I loved her so much that my eyes will drop tears for her. I had never cried in so many years. I was realizing why there were countless books on love. It wasn't a myth; 'Love' was for real.
She was holding my hand tightly. In the deep silence, her cell phone rang. I couldn't see who it was, in fact I didn't even want to. She saw the name of caller and stood up managing her outlook to look usual.
"I have to go." She said.
I looked at her. She was just waiting for me to say good bye. I couldn't let her wait there just to hear me say bye. She was going anyway. We had no future. Our relation was over. My love was walking away on me and I was helpless.
"Take care. Be happy." I barely said.
She didn't look at me. Her courage was shattered. And then, she walked away…