C moved here when I was in 2nd grade. Since his mom was Korean and my mom was Korean, our moms started doing mom things (like going to each others houses and drinking coffee). Meaning my brother and I would get dragged into going to C’s house. C didn’t know much English and we became friends. He was really nice to me and was good at sports too so he taught me how to play baseball and I was more athletic then.
Then in 4th grade H moved to here from New Jersey. She moved into the same neighborhood as Y and C. Because of that, H started making fun of C and Y would join her sometimes. Then, when I came over to play, H and Y would make fun of C. So C thought I didn’t like him as much as H and Y did.
In 5th grade we never talked. We were completely invisible to each other. And in 6th grade we still didn’t talk much except once or twice when I went to his house for like 5 minutes. In 7th grade I found out I was in 5 classes with C so we kinda talked to each other a little more, but mostly only about homework. Then one day, he broke my heart. I won’t write what he did but the memory is stuck in my head. I became emo for the next couple of weeks.
The first week I just spent most of my time crying and wondering what I did that made this happen. The next week I was angry at him and started hating him and going against him. And even now I still think of him every day and it won’t stop. Sometimes, I feel like I still love him. Sometimes, I feel like I hate myself. Sometimes, I feel like I wish he would drop dead. And most of the time, I want to forgive him.
But I can’t.
I still can’t let him go.
I want to but I can’t.