My Favorite Letter

i started using my writing skills to write porn to my ex husband. We were both young when we met working at a steak house. To date only one unfufilled admiration has even come close to how i felt about him. At the time we werent married yet and he had enlisted in the Navy prior to meeting me. No backing out just cause he had a girlfriend. When he shipped off to bootcamp in Wakigan IL i thought being seperated from him for the first time would suffocate me. As soon as i had an address i began writing him constantly. For those of you pre cell phone you know the pain of waiting for a written response and the sweet relief when a love letter is finally delivered via the US postal service. His letters were short and pretty much a dissapointment to me in love, sex, or romance. He wasnt happy, it was challenging, he wanted out. In spite of his complaints, i was proud of him for his choice to enlist. i wanted to give him encouragement and motivation to stay. i also wanted to relieve his stress so i began to write about our sexual adventures, reminding him of good times in as vivid detail as i could remember. When i ran out of our years worth of materials which consisted of screwing at the lake, in his honda accord, and a couple of hotel rooms; i made up new scenerios. Spicing up the stories by sending pictures of me in an aqua leopard pattern bikini with black trim at the waist and an ankle bracelet. Me Jane ...you Tarzan style. He responded with brief appreciation. But i needed no encourragement since he was all i could think about. Saving money to attend his boot camp graduation and writing him was my only focus. i was thrilled when my trip was booked. Breathless on the flight there. Pampered by the travel agent enamored with our story and treated to my first limo ride and a deal on a hotel room on arrival in Chicago. My future inlaws, who were wealthy, didnt get accomodations anywhere near as nice. We met at the base and rushed through the procedures anxious to meet with him. i was focused solely on his near proximity. The family however had noted the special treatment and also seemed a bit miffed. They also noted that although i was dressed consevatively i was drawing a crowd of male admrers intent on talking to me. Oblivious and exccited i blew it off. The time was spectacular, The base and graduation ceremony were moving. i still cry when i hear Anchors Away sung by male vocalists and drill cadence gives me tingles, even the popeye joke ones. When i finally got my guy alone in the hotel room and he was done saying hello properly i mentioned his Dads observances about the male attention. My goal to protest that i hadnt encouraged anyone. He cracked up and clued me in on the reason. The whole base had been enjoying my porn and the photos of my aqua bikin. There was a girlfriend competition with a public board to display the contestants and all mail was read without any privacy, regardless of how racy.  Actually the racier the more likely to be read and enjoyed by the whole population of the base. i had single handedly entertained the troops without my knowledge or permission. No idea if i had won the contest or how many other girls were mobbed by sailors during my stay. It put a damper on my time with him and his family. A part of me was flattered, but i was mostly hurt and pissed.The emotions were pushed aside to keep the peace with what time we had. How many beginnings of ending does love have?? Well for us this was one. It made him insecure and jealously possesive. It made me resentful and tested my trust of him. He could have warned me or told me to stop. He cared more about his perks from posting then my heart or reputation. i stopped writing him porn but he never stopped treating me like a piece of meat in bed and never made love to me again. i dont think he said it except out of obligation or habit. i married him anyway because i meant it. ******************************************************** My history seems to repeat itself in varied ways. Perhaps because of my choices in men or my love of sex and romance. ive had more porn pals in the age of modern tech than the younger me would have found comfortable or appealing. Heartbreak and discontent have made me a prolific writer in personalized porn. And in my writing have taken back my sexual power from the men who hurt me some unintentionally and some on purpose. But my goal has never been to get satisfaction or payback. My goal has been to affect the gender im drawn to in a positive way. On the small scale of entertaining training. Genuinely looking for my own needs in the interactions while caring about anyone that enjoyed spending time with me. i intended to reach out and entertain the troops ofvmy own freewill this time. But i had a favorite letter i carried with me as i wrote. It wasnt from the post office or the updated email or instant message versions. It was the letter which represented by name the man i loved and admired. My first favorite letter was "J." My new favorite letter even more unattainable was "G." He had no idea how i felt about him. Everyone i knew was aware but him. At least if he knew he acted oblivious and uninterested. His love letters and my pictures to him posted online for anyone interested to view and enjoy. Possibly making him the most popular guy in his pool of friends and getting him all kinds of perks. But this time for me there was no beginning for us so what difference did it really make anyway??