The Break Up:
The Start of Things:
The fifth of April was one of the more happiest days of my short 18 and a 8 month life so far.
Her eyes, her smile, her cute little quirks shone through everything like it was a beacon of happiness.
That day, I was never more proud of being able to say I was in a relationship. Granted, I was and am still young to even know what love was, but I could safely say I did love her.
As time went by, the more we talked to each other the closer we got and I was even more attracted to her.
During the sad times, all she needed to do was smile and that was enough. To me, she was amazing in every single way possibly imaginable, and I respected and allowed everything she wanted to do.
Not that she needed to ask but you know, it was nice to be notified.
As weeks went by, we had our ups and downs, we'd argue over other relationships between our friends, we argued over small things like not saying I love you or even arguing about who loved who more.
Working your way through all that stuff, if anything, strengthened what we felt towards each other because we could endure it all.
Nothing could stop us from being who we were, and I think it's safe to say, we were in love.
This isn't another one of those stories where the nice guy gets shutdown or the ending wasn't what any of us wanted, we tried for it.
As any of you may have experienced before, there's always this patch of time where your partner doesn't talk to you, or things feel incredibly different.
Patterns are broken such as continuous talking or receiving short and blunt replies and it does nothing but make you feel like you know, "There's something wrong.".
If you were in the position like me, you assumed the worst. And you felt it was coming. But nothing could've prepared you for the big, "I can't be with you.".
You go into denial, you desperately struggle for a chance, you beg and beg and beg and beg, but it doesn't amount to anything.
You then start to give up, give in and just hope for the best of outcomes for either party and you stop.
The initial day of the breakup is where it get's mildly interesting.
You start to think you're strong, you're better than this, and that all this was nothing to what you could do or amount to in the future.
But then you're alone, and even for a split second you think, you think about everything: the relationship, the problems, how you could've fixed it or if there was any alternatives.
Then, your world comes crashing. It feels like it all ends, nothing is clear to you and the only thing your body can do no matter how hard you try to fight it, you cry.
You cry like you're crying for attention, you seek self pity and the support of others.
And that's okay, because you get to after all this. Eight months for this to end in one second.
So for the next week you drown yourself in friend's and sappy sad music and break up movies.
You make sure that your body is 100% alcohol and you drink till you drop.
You look for every escape and you take it, but all it ever does is bring you back to the same room you were in.
You start to feel like, like everything in the world is unfair.
Like you never deserved this, infact you were a cut above the rest, and you felt you did everything right.
And maybe you did, maybe you didn't.
You try to talk to her about it, but it pushes her further away.
You fight for what you want, because you start feeling if you were a man, you try to take what you want.
You start to think that you'd rather go down trying, then go down without fighting for what you want.
You think you've come to terms with everything, so you talk to all your friends and you ask their opinion just to ensure yourself your own mindset.
You realize you have to do your own thing, and worry about yourself now.
Me personally, I've been doing my own thing even through the relationship, and the more you do your own thing the healthier it is, right?
But you'll eventually come to miss her.
You want nothing more than to assure her everything will be okay.
You want to say things that you shouldn't, but you still make attempts to say what you can before you think you have to leave.
And now you're here, writing this story.
And after a while you realize, it wasn't you, or it wasn't her.
She just needed time to herself, to think for herself.
When you start to think about it, she's been in relationships this whole time, and she's already under pressure from receiving a score that determines her future.
Maybe she's not happy with it, maybe she wants to rededicate herself to her career.
You start understanding, you fool, you understand that she needs this time for herself even if at the end of it all, you wont get back together.
You start realizing, that it was never about another guy or anything like that.
All she needed was time for herself and space to think.
You saw her that one time you tried to fight for her, and she looked stressed, distraught, and sleep deprived.
No amount of strength could have protected you from seeing what you saw, and that was her in an emotional distress and an unhappy state.
Then all you really want, is for her to be happy. For her to keep smiling so you can keep smiling and the world can start smiling.
You want her to realize who she is. But you, by some divine miracle, wish for a scenario where at the end of the tunnel, you two are standing together smiling.
Maybe it'll happen, maybe it wont.
Time tells everything, and the important thing is to be patient.
"I hope I was there for you in your time of need, and I will always be there in your time of need.
I still love you, and I still care for you, and as much as I want to get on my knees and beg that I want you back, I know I shouldn't because this is your time to figure yourself out.
I want you to know that I wont be waiting for you at the end when you figure everything out, but I'll be there.
I'll always think of us being together when this is all said and done, when the dust has cleared the field so you have clarity in what you see for yourself in the future.
But I truly do miss you. And I truly do love you, and if I do, I will grant you your time even if in the future we wont be together.
As hard as it is for me to say all this, I have to prepare myself for the worst, that the scenario we end up is that we will never get back together.
But I know what I want, more than wanting you back, more than missing you or loving you, but to give you what you want and to make sure you get your own happiness. Even if it's not with me.
You truly are too important to me.".