It's funny...She said that it was love at first sight, I just didn't know it. Still, I don't think it was. Yes, my heart started to beat at a thousand beats per second. Yes, I froze and got lost into those lovely brown eyes of his. Yes, it was as if I went deaf, and all I could see was him even with all of the noise and people surrounding us. Yes, when his palm touched mine I felt a jolt of electricity. And yes, when I walked away from him, my chest hurt because of how fast my heart was beating...But I don't love him in the way I want to. Love is in the friendship. Longing is in reality. Hope is in the possibility...
Now that you aren't here, I feel empty inside. Not the emptiness from true love, but just plain emptiness, nothing further. Still, I remember when it was a few weeks ago, I yearned so dearly for your hugs, for the sound of your voice, for your charming words, though I knew it must have been a lie. I refused to believe, and I might have let my guard down just a little bit, but it was enough for you to make an impression on me. Now you don't leave my mind.
Thinking back to the first day we met, the first day we made eye contact, the first day I realized my infatuation for you, I can't help but think some of it was true. It seemed as if you felt it too, it seemed as if you were mesmerized by me as much as I was by you.
For once I decided to step out of my boundaries, step out of my comfort zone and even though I knew you weren't free, I spoke to you with a guilty conscience in small hopes. Still, I ventured on, slowly feeling my way around my boundaries until I knew that it was safe. Although I thought that I had a guilty conscience, something inside of me was telling me that I was wrong and that there is no need for guilt. Talking to you slowly eased my fear away, and I let my guard fall a little further.
I became so overwhelmed that speaking of you to only one person wasn't enough so I went to two other people in which I thought I could trust. I thought I wouldn't have to make it clear for them to say something.
You said all those sweet things to me and I just blurted them out to those two same people. Little did I know, they went to her, your ex. They were concerned because of the rumors and I just shrugged the rumors off, hoping that they weren't true.
Suddenly you came to me and said something that I denied in truth and you seemed to be okay. Still, I feared that you were angry. After a bit of time, I asked of your emotion, and you denied. You said that it was no big deal bringing me a sense of relief.
I continued to explore my options, staying from my comfort zone but with a new feeling growing on me. I felt disappointed and the thought of untrustworthy came to mind. I vowed to myself that I would never tell a secret to those two friends again in fear that they would stir up trouble. I worried about you and me, knowing that we had reached a rough spot between us.
Soon, we broke the ice, reaching normal again and I was able to remain calm. Then, I decided to take another step away from my comfort zone and thinking back, I feel kind of silly and embarrassed. You seemed clueless but I don't think its hard to tell when a girl wants to be alone with you. Though, I just shook it off and forced myself not to think too much about it. And every time I start to feel embarrassed, I remind myself of how good it felt to be with you.
I find it funny, I dwell on the moments when we were deliberately left alone. I always became speechless, I even stuttered a few times; struggling with the words I wanted to say to you. I wanted so dearly to make another move, but I was scared.
Sometimes I would think of the pills you took, scared that you would ever O.D. I wanted to say something, I wanted to ask you to stop but I felt like I didn't mean enough to you to ask you to do such a thing and I feared for myself. I didn't want you to become angry and I didn't want to start a fight so I kept my mouth closed, enjoying our conversations. Still, I hinted to you, asking questions like, "Do you think you're ever going to quit?" When you replied with a yes, I became relieved.It almost made me feel important, it made me feel like you cared a little more than you let on.
Then you started to say that you were going to leave because of your "Juvenile act." You were being sent somewhere to make you better and I became sad but happy at the same time. It was a good thing because this meant that you could quite but it would also mean you would leave me. Still, I had hope that you'd come back.
One day, I came home and received a missed call to whom I thought was you. Some lady picked up and said that you hadn't been home for a while. She suggested a few things and I became to worry, not only for you but for myself as well. She also mentioned something about a girl who has been giving you access to those pills you once mentioned. At the time, I didn't know what to think. After the phone call, I couldn't help but wonder.
Days passed and I wanted to talk to you but I became too scared to send even a text, asking how you are doing. I constantly checked your Facebook page wondering if you had updated; craving more knowledge for your well being. Eventually, someone mentioned where you were and you were getting better. I smiled to myself, knowing you'd be fine, though I knew you wouldn't be back until a long time.
The lady also mentioned something about how you weren't the best person to be situated with. Saying that I shouldn't get involved with you and that you always had some girl. Thus, bringing that rumor towards reality. Still, I shook it off, I believed the rumor but at the same time I didn't believe it. I, as a person am too hopeful. No matter the reality, I always become hopeful until one day, something blows me away. But when it comes to you, for now, I'm still hoping. I'm still clinging. I still have let my gaurd down, but at the same time, my heart is shielded.
Still you are gone, and as I sit here and think of you, I've come to realize much more. My thoughts may be far from reality but still I hope that when you come back, not only will your addiction be better but maybe what you think of me will still remain. I still hope that when you come back, we can pick up where we left off and if we shall ever commit to a relationship, you'll treat me as just a girl. I still hope that you won't cheat....Yes, that was the rumor, you were a player and a cheater. Though, I didn't want to believe it but still, I try my hardest to shrug it off in hopes that when it comes to me, you'll treat me differently.
Now I think that its not love. I don't want to believe that its love. I feel like I can't love someone else because of one before you. I want to love you, I want to feel an attachment, I want to feel like your mine but I can't. No matter how much I want to love him, I can't. My heart won't let me. My mind, my heart, and myself are three different things and one thing that I know is that I have no control over my heart. One of the reasons why my heart is so timid is because of all the pain its been put through.Its not just relationships, its more than that. It is all of the failed crushes, all of the rejections, and all of the family pain. All of it combined has had an affect on me and the consequence is that I can not love anyone that I know. I'm now forced to wait until when ever my heart pleases.
However, don't fret my dear, you will forever by with me. I will never forget you and I hope that we can get together, though I know of the consequences. So please, don't fret, you are one like no other.
A/N: Thanks if you
read this. You can comment if you'd like. You don't have to. I
hope you enjoyed my little memory of a guy. Yes, he has a name
and since you know so much already, I guess telling you his name
won't hurt anyone. It's Troy.