Its been three years since you left, my heart still aches when i wake up and your gone from my life. Torn from existance. I know that you moved on for a reason that it was your time to go, that somewhere, somehow something was calling you to leave and pursue something bigger, but still my heart aches. You never know how strong you are until its the only thing that keeps you from breaking down everyday, that waking up and screaming that today you'll beat everybodys expectations and then feel something more than self pitty and worthlessness. But I keep strong for you, for the day that you might come back and see me smiling, standing at the door with arms open willing you to come build the life we planned. I hope you come back I do because everything seems almost insignificant when i don't have you in my life.
"Good morning" I shout to the lady next door, I had been looking after her cat whilst she was away and she smiled poiletly back picking up a hand in greeting and slightly shook her wrist from side to side giving her a sense of elegance as she waved at me. I continued walking until I reached my gate, it was rusted and badly broken needing to be fixed but no one had the time or effort to fix it. I pulled up the latch with both my hands and it jammed so I just grabbed the piece of rope which had been tied to the side of the fence and wrapped that around the handle and the gap in the fence as I closed the gate and walked down the street littered with teenagers.
Their eyes were like knives stabbing my heart and soft skin with those dark mysterious glares, the unknowing fears could be read in the beasts eyes. I moved quickly but softly letting my feet bounce off the curves in swift motions, like an old saying they can't see you if yoiu can't see them. Their clothes were tattered like they had nothing better to wear, school uniform slung from their brood shoulders like clothes on a hanger. The faces dull and grey, no trace of happyness could be read in those faces filled with so much hatred and fear that their lives revolved around the very basics of survival. Hungery wolves devouring their prey from first sight.
The shop around the corner was filled with these same people, but thir faces slightly more matured, maybe just young adults and not teenagers but their ambitions were the same. Basic survial. I had read in newspapaers of people struggling, that in the mordern world we do not see the poverty around us we just see it in far off places, But its closer to home than most people think. Its the man on the street who's family have passed away in an accident and with no job to support himself the house he shared with his family was ripped away from his brittle fingertips. Its the girl who fell pregnant at 16, got kicked out of school and home. Its the average mother with 4 jobs to support her children who ask for more and more everyday.
"Good morning" I say sweetly to the young girl on the desk, her face is pink from the cold or maybe too much blusher, she smiled back as she hands me my normal packet of sweets, I give her the money and smile again. "Keep the change for yourself" I say, My piece in the world is insignifcant compared to the action workers over in Africa or maybe Asia. Although the girls smile shows that she loves the thought and quickly pockets the change quickly before anybody saw. "Have a good day" I shout before leaving the shop, she probably thinks that I'm off my meds or something but I just wanted to make her smile for the day.
As I return home my mind is filled with thoughts of my beloved. His face, his hair, the smell of his colone after a night out with our friends. The way his eyes sparkled in the night sky when we met, How we lay on the grass thick and green as it enveloped our bodys looking towards the shinning sky. The worlds most beauiful person was laying beside my side and all I could think of was how much i needed to take my high heels off because blisters were forming under my skin. I took his for granted when he was here and now that his heart lies somewhere else i just smile and fake the heart which is tearing my insides apart.
I place my foot onto a table no bigger than a desktop computer screen and then step up onto the chair which i had positioned exactly right. I lifted my hand up and stroked the object in front of me which was just a bit taller than me, I tugged on the loop it was tight enough, my chin was grazed against the roughness of the rope and as the chair fell from my feet I dangled in the air my body limp and lifeless but soon I fell from the loop as my neck slipped out and my body was lying on the ground broken and bruised in millions of ways. My note left on the side read my last wishes:
"Please leave my wealth to the students of the local highschool, I wish them to have an education where they enjoy the subjects and so that their dull eyes may see some life, where their poverty would ease for just a moment,
And leave my work to my family, I wish them to read my works and maybe understand how it feels,
Tell him that this was the way it had to be, life was meant to come to an end just some lives end sooner than others"