I Didn't Want To Be In Love
Have you ever fallen in love with someone you didn't want to love?
One too many times a girl has met someone incredible...and perfect....he makes her laugh and tells her what she wants to hear, then the next day she sees him holding hands with a tiny little brunette. What a blow. He was so perfect, you spent all night dancing around your room and blasting Taylor Swift's "Love Story", and after that one moment, you don't really want to listen to anything. You just want to crawl into your closet with your cell phone, call your best friend and talk for a few hours, insisting that it doesn't mean anything, that he was nobody....and yet you'll cry yourself to sleep that night.
Us girls ,we are tender hearted. One stupid guy says one perfect thing and she's lovestruck- forever holding onto that one perfect thing...waiting for it to come back...but it never does. I was always sure I was going to beat the odds, that I was smart enough to not fall into the awful trap that so many men have put up. I always looked ahead, looked at the signs -never took chances. But love really can't ever be controlled, its a tempered storm- unstoppable and determined.
When I met him i was automatically putting his last name to my first- the first test. It sounded good and I laughed when he turned around to see me staring at him through a crack in the books. The library had always been a special place for me, it was the biggest in the district, filled with shelves upon shelves of books, each one a different escape. However, I didn't usually see his type lurking around here. I expected the little four-eyed, checkered shirt guys, but here in the deepest corner sat a strong looking and intently focused, Matt Layne.
Matt Layne....I tossed the name around, smiling, not sure why. He looked up, catching my eyes, he smiled and my heart fluttered. We held eye contact so I stepped out from behind the shelf. "...Hey..." I said hesitantly. Now that I look back, i was gone from the start, I never really had a chance.
"Hey." He smiled with his eyes, "What were you looking at?"
"Well actually, I was looking for a good book for this weekend, usually I sit here and read for awhile." I pointed to the little sitting couch he was sitting out.
"Oh my bad," He moved to get up, "I don't usually come here, so I'm not accustomed to the norm of the library." His perfect teeth appeared again.
"Oh no, it doesn't have my name on it- go for it! Its the best spot in here." I waved him down and he sat once more, "I am Paris By the way."
"Like Paris Hilton?" He laughed, a deep echoing noise that filled my heart with a tingling sensation.
"Not really, but lets go with that." I laughed with him before he said, "I'm Matt Layne."
Of course I knew who he was but I wasn't going to say so, "Hello Matt." I looked up from under my eyelashes, internally thinking about what I was going to tell my best friend Haylee.
"Nice to meet you Paris."
And that was only the beginning. Pathetic. Thats what I am. Pathetic. Every day I would find him in the library with a warm smile on his face. Eventually we exchanged numbers and I was texting him non-stop. "You are so beautiful," He would say, or sometimes, "You are the most amazing person I have ever met." And a girl likes to hear those things, she likes to be told that, sometimes we don't hear it enough. Those sweet nothings mean everything to us, we take it all in, squeal about it with our friends, and then dream about our future together in all of our spare time. Us girls are dreamers, and maybe that is why we always end up torturing ourselves....
Eventually Posters for Prom were put up and Haylee assured me that he was going to ask me, "How could he not? You guys are Flirtytexting all day!" I somewhere deep inside I was thinking the same thing, weather or not i wanted to admit it was a different story. He wasn't my type, I was in to the whole jock thing. All of my past boyfriends had been on the football team, all very honest and trustworthy. Haylee was only supportive because she hadn't seen him before....he wasn't the cutest guy ever if you know what I mean. He was the thespian type...the one that likes to act in plays...and Haylee knows he's not my type....but why can't I stop thinking about him?
The day before prom came along eventually and I was still single. I was running later than normal while i was walking to the library...and there was the most beautiful guy ever...Matt Layne....He was standing with his body at a slant, an arm on the wall and his lips on a prissy looking brunette. I couldn't understand why I was crying at the time, I had stormed out of the hall, my heart completely shattered. Now I understand, that I was in love with him. Even if I never said it out loud, I had been in love with him since I first saw him sitting there silently reading his novel.
The beginning is the most important part, thats when everything starts (obviously) and that is where a girl makes her choice. She can't wait until she is half way into something to decide if she wants to fall in love or not. But usually its too late.Then again, love comes with time. If you spend all night talking to a guy about cheese and celery, and he doesn't tell you your weird and hang up....and then he talks to you about his favorite pizza topping, and you actually listen....pretty soon you are talking about the saddest moment of your childhood and then it turns into the happiest moment, and at the time it was just talking to him that made me happy....anyways my point is, that you subconsciously fall in love.
And even though he broke my heart, I still want him to be happy. Do you understand this tenderhearted thing I am talking about? And then we torture ourselves every day by thinking about him, imagining the 'what ifs'.....like that he would dump his girlfriend of one year for you, buy you a big teddy bear for Valentines day and sing you to sleep when you're scared....then we call our best friend's and cry. Cry and cry and cry....because they knew....they told you you were in love and you didn't want to listen...but they also know just what to say to make you be able to sleep through the night.
I didn't want to love him, I let my guard down, or maybe it was up, and he found a way to break through...A knight in shining armor...or a villain in disguise? So next time you think about breaking my a woman's heart, you please have to understand that maybe you can walk away, but she is going to carry what you said with her for the rest of her life. And ladies, next time your heart gets broken, don't waste too much time listening to the saddest songs in your itunes library, pick yourself up...at least to get some chocolate ice cream for Target (because Wal-mart's is always freezer burned), Cold Stone if you can, watch a few sappy movies, and then really stand up for yourself, because you didn't want to fall in love with him....but you did.
A few weeks later I was at my locker clearing some garbage out. I hadn't gone to library for weeks, I wasn't used to having all the extra time. My favorite escape had become my only prison, one that couldn't be unlocked. It was hard enough to help all my friends get ready for prom and pretend that it didn't matter that I was going to be spending the night in my pajamas on my couch while they danced the night away. They had offered to be 'my date' but I couldn't stand to see him with her. I couldn't hurt myself like that....
Of course while I was carrying all my trash to the nearest garbage can he decided to walk by. Imagine me standing with my hands full of old papers and huge sucker sticking out of my mouth (my newest form of comfort-ice cream melted in my locker), hovering over the garbage can- paused only to wait for him to pass. He stopped though, I dropped the garbage in and stood like a solider, willing him just to leave.
He smiled and my heart twisted uncomfortably. No no no! I didn't want to do this again. "Hey Paris, Where've you been lately?" I remembered all the texts that I had ignored, all the times I had to force myself not to go to the library, how many times I had been late to class just to not have to see him during passing period....it was the only moment of choice I had had the whole time.
And I walked away. Talking with him for a moment, pretending that every word wasn't piercing my heart would be even harder. Sometimes I wonder what I would have said to him. I wonder what he would have told me about that girl, what type of guy he would have been about it. "Oh that was nothing..." or maybe, " I didn't know you felt that way...," Either way it was going to end eventually. After all a moment is only a moment.
So now you know that Paris McCarthy hasn't always been love-proof. And honestly no one is. Everyone must have the heartbroken in order to appreciate love, but you must be in love to be heartbroken. Its the uncomfortable and restless circle of life, the balance of nature. So next time you are surfing through heartbreak quotes on photobucket, nodding at half of them and deleting all the love ones...look back and realize that now that you've been heartbroken, you are going to need a really fantastic guy to fix you up, someone who wants to heal you. And when you meet that guy, tell me, because that will be the happiest time of your life.
And of course the boomerang of heartbreak and love had to come back for me also, but that my friends, is an entirely different story....one with a happier ending. Peace out!