I Didn't Want To Be In Love
Have you ever fallen in love with someone you
didn't want to love?
One too many times a girl has met someone
incredible...and perfect....he makes her laugh and tells her what
she wants to hear, then the next day she sees him holding hands
with a tiny little brunette. What a blow. He was so perfect, you
spent all night dancing around your room and blasting Taylor
Swift's "Love Story", and after that one moment, you don't really
want to listen to anything. You just want to crawl into your
closet with your cell phone, call your best friend and talk for a
few hours, insisting that it doesn't mean anything, that he was
nobody....and yet you'll cry yourself to sleep that night.
Us girls ,we are tender hearted. One stupid guy
says one perfect thing and she's lovestruck- forever holding onto
that one perfect thing...waiting for it to come back...but it
never does. I was always sure I was going to beat the odds, that
I was smart enough to not fall into the awful trap that so many
men have put up. I always looked ahead, looked at the signs
-never took chances. But love really can't ever be controlled,
its a tempered storm- unstoppable and determined.
When I met him i was automatically putting his
last name to my first- the first test. It sounded good and I
laughed when he turned around to see me staring at him through a
crack in the books. The library had always been a special place
for me, it was the biggest in the district, filled with shelves
upon shelves of books, each one a different escape. However, I
didn't usually see his type lurking around here. I expected the
little four-eyed, checkered shirt guys, but here in the deepest
corner sat a strong looking and intently focused, Matt Layne.
Matt Layne....I tossed the name around, smiling,
not sure why. He looked up, catching my eyes, he smiled and my
heart fluttered. We held eye contact so I stepped out from behind
the shelf. "...Hey..." I said hesitantly. Now that I look back, i
was gone from the start, I never really had a chance.
"Hey." He smiled with his eyes, "What were you
"Well actually, I was looking for a good book for
this weekend, usually I sit here and read for awhile." I pointed
to the little sitting couch he was sitting out.
"Oh my bad," He moved to get up, "I don't usually
come here, so I'm not accustomed to the norm of the library." His
perfect teeth appeared again.
"Oh no, it doesn't have my name on it- go for it!
Its the best spot in here." I waved him down and he sat once
more, "I am Paris By the way."
"Like Paris Hilton?" He laughed, a deep echoing
noise that filled my heart with a tingling sensation.
"Not really, but lets go with that." I laughed
with him before he said, "I'm Matt Layne."
Of course I knew who he was but I wasn't going to
say so, "Hello Matt." I looked up from under my eyelashes,
internally thinking about what I was going to tell my best friend
"Nice to meet you Paris."
And that was only the beginning. Pathetic. Thats
what I am. Pathetic. Every day I would find him in the library
with a warm smile on his face. Eventually we exchanged numbers
and I was texting him non-stop. "You are so beautiful," He would
say, or sometimes, "You are the most amazing person I have ever
met." And a girl likes to hear those things, she likes to be
told that, sometimes we don't hear it enough. Those sweet
nothings mean everything to us, we take it all in, squeal about
it with our friends, and then dream about our future together in
all of our spare time. Us girls are dreamers, and maybe that is
why we always end up torturing ourselves....
Eventually Posters for Prom were put up and Haylee
assured me that he was going to ask me, "How could he not? You
guys are Flirtytexting all day!" I somewhere deep inside I was
thinking the same thing, weather or not i wanted to admit it was
a different story. He wasn't my type, I was in to the whole jock
thing. All of my past boyfriends had been on the football team,
all very honest and trustworthy. Haylee was only supportive
because she hadn't seen him before....he wasn't the cutest guy
ever if you know what I mean. He was the thespian type...the one
that likes to act in plays...and Haylee knows he's not my
type....but why can't I stop thinking about him?
The day before prom came along eventually and I
was still single. I was running later than normal while i was
walking to the library...and there was the most beautiful guy
ever...Matt Layne....He was standing with his body at a slant, an
arm on the wall and his lips on a prissy looking brunette. I
couldn't understand why I was crying at the time, I had stormed
out of the hall, my heart completely shattered. Now I understand,
that I was in love with him. Even if I never said it out loud, I
had been in love with him since I first saw him sitting there
silently reading his novel.
The beginning is the most important part, thats
when everything starts (obviously) and that is where a girl makes
her choice. She can't wait until she is half way into something
to decide if she wants to fall in love or not. But usually its
too late.Then again, love comes with time. If you spend all night
talking to a guy about cheese and celery, and he doesn't tell you
your weird and hang up....and then he talks to you about his
favorite pizza topping, and you actually listen....pretty soon
you are talking about the saddest moment of your childhood and
then it turns into the happiest moment, and at the time it was
just talking to him that made me happy....anyways my point is,
that you subconsciously fall in love.
And even though he broke my heart, I still want
him to be happy. Do you understand this tenderhearted thing I am
talking about? And then we torture ourselves every day by
thinking about him, imagining the 'what ifs'.....like that he
would dump his girlfriend of one year for you, buy you a big
teddy bear for Valentines day and sing you to sleep when you're
scared....then we call our best friend's and cry. Cry and cry and
cry....because they knew....they told you you were in love and
you didn't want to listen...but they also know just what to say
to make you be able to sleep through the night.
I didn't want to love him, I let my guard down, or
maybe it was up, and he found a way to break through...A knight
in shining armor...or a villain in disguise? So next time you
think about breaking my a woman's heart, you please have to
understand that maybe you can walk away, but she is going to
carry what you said with her for the rest of her life. And
ladies, next time your heart gets broken, don't waste too much
time listening to the saddest songs in your itunes library, pick
yourself up...at least to get some chocolate ice cream for Target
(because Wal-mart's is always freezer burned), Cold Stone if you
can, watch a few sappy movies, and then really stand up for
yourself, because you didn't want to fall in love with
him....but you did.
A few weeks later I was at my locker clearing some
garbage out. I hadn't gone to library for weeks, I wasn't used to
having all the extra time. My favorite escape had become my only
prison, one that couldn't be unlocked. It was hard enough to help
all my friends get ready for prom and pretend that it didn't
matter that I was going to be spending the night in my pajamas on
my couch while they danced the night away. They had offered to be
'my date' but I couldn't stand to see him with her. I
couldn't hurt myself like that....
Of course while I was carrying all my trash to the
nearest garbage can he decided to walk by. Imagine me standing
with my hands full of old papers and huge sucker sticking out of
my mouth (my newest form of comfort-ice cream melted in my
locker), hovering over the garbage can- paused only to wait for
him to pass. He stopped though, I dropped the garbage in and
stood like a solider, willing him just to leave.
He smiled and my heart twisted
uncomfortably. No no no!
I didn't want to do this again. "Hey Paris,
Where've you been lately?" I remembered all the texts that I had
ignored, all the times I had to force myself not to go to the
library, how many times I had been late to class just to not have
to see him during passing period....it was the only moment of
choice I had had the whole time.
And I walked away. Talking with him for a moment,
pretending that every word wasn't piercing my heart would be even
harder. Sometimes I wonder what I would have said to him. I
wonder what he would have told me about that girl, what type of
guy he would have been about it. "Oh that was nothing..." or
maybe, " I didn't know you felt that way...," Either way it was
going to end eventually. After all a moment is only a moment.
So now you know that Paris McCarthy hasn't always
been love-proof. And honestly no one is. Everyone must have the
heartbroken in order to appreciate love, but you must be in love
to be heartbroken. Its the uncomfortable and restless circle of
life, the balance of nature. So next time you are surfing through
heartbreak quotes on photobucket, nodding at half of them and
deleting all the love ones...look back and realize that now that
you've been heartbroken, you are going to need a really fantastic
guy to fix you up, someone who wants to heal you. And when you
meet that guy, tell me, because that will be the happiest time of
And of course the boomerang of heartbreak and love
had to come back for me also, but that my friends, is an entirely
different story....one with a happier ending. Peace out!