I Thought I Knew You...
I was only in my 2nd year of high school, so many would say that I was much too young for love. I thought it was foolish, for how could they know what I was feeling inside? Of course at that age, I thought I knew it all...Until I met him. He definitely turned my world upside down...for better or for worse, to this day I do not know.
We were both in a Dance Festival through our church, so you can already guess that we met as partners. We were paired together to dance the Waltz, the most romantic song in the whole festival, which I thought was oddly bizarre given how things were going between the two of us.
I had caught this guy looking at me once or twice before we even found out who our partners were. We'll call him D.
D always seemed to be around my friends and I no matter where we were-if girls and boys were on different sides of the gymnasium, he was directly across from me on the other side so that we may have the probability of crossing paths. One could only ponder and imagine why we had never met.
My youth leader introduced us as partners about a week later. I had been watching D myself, for many would say that he was a very good-looking guy. I was attracted to him from the start. He smiled at me, and I knew that I was hooked, as corny and unrealistic as that may sound in this given context.
Weeks passed, and we got to know each other during practices. We exchanged numbers a few days after meeting, and got to talking every single day up until the Dance Festival itself took place about a month or so later. We shared many laughs, and everyone around us told us what a great couple we made, even though we were never going out in the first place, but he treated me like his girlfriend.
But I knew that this was horribly crazy. I already had a boyfriend-my BEST FRIEND-so I surely could not be falling for this new guy I had merely met not long ago and knew practically nothing about. I told my current boyfriend that I loved him, but even I knew the truth behind my words. I felt horrible, like I was cheating on someone who loved me without a second though--with his whole heart and more. Who never did anything to deserve to be treated in such a way that I was treating him. Maybe I was. And to this day I still find my throat closing up from guilt and my stomach turning over at the memory of it all…
D knew that I had a boyfriend. I told him from the very beginning when we exchanged numbers so he would know what he could possibly be getting himself into, if that was even his intention to begin with. I did not want him to try anything if he knew what kind of a position he was getting himself into. And although I assured him that I could not just leave my boyfriend, he never gave up on me.
So once the Dance Festival neared (we had been talking for a matter of two plus weeks) we were both very anxious. I always looked forward to seeing him, and dearly missed him just seconds after he left. It scared me dreadfully. For I did not have these same feelings towards my boyfriend at the time, and I knew that it was time to say goodbye and accept my feelings for what they were worth. We were paired up to dance, dressed in our costumes, and D took my hand. My boyfriend at the time was somewhere nearby, and I only prayed that he wouldn't see. I already was planning on breaking up with him, but I had decided that it HAD to be after the Dance Festival. I did not want to ruin this fun event for the both of us, seeing as him and I were partners as well for another couples dance.
D and I both knew that we liked each other. A lot. And we knew the others' situation. I never felt like that about anybody, nor had I ever trusted somebody so dearly and felt a deep connection to with anything other than friendship. He was my first real relationship where I felt whole and complete.
We danced together and I was so excited to be able to spend that whole day with him, preparing and talking about nothing and everything. My boyfriend was distant that day, for he could see that I had been spending a lot of time talking to D and he had brought up a few times before the Dance Festival if I was seeing him. My boyfriend and I kept our relationship hidden from everyone, so we were never really publicly a couple. Perhaps that is the reason I didn't feel like I was really CHEATING on him, because he never acted like a boyfriend in person in the first place to begin with.
So once the Dance Festival was over, we all said our goodbyes.
My boyfriend was nowhere to be found after the festival, and I could feel because we were such good friends that he was upset and did not want to be around me afterword. D showed up next to me, and as far as I know today, he could not tell anything was wrong with me in that given moment. I didn't know what was going on. I thought leaving my boyfriend was the right choice, but was it really? We had been through so much together and had a history, where I didn't know hardly anything about D, his family, or who he was. I was confused--young and naive--what was I to do?
A week passed and everyone who participated in the Dance Festival were able to come to a cast party that was going on the next weekend. I was excited to see D again. That week after the Dance Festival, I broke with my boyfriend. He had seen it coming, but agreed that maybe we should see other people and we were better off as friends. He technically wasn't really supposed to be seeing me in the first place, so letting me go was an easier way of living than lying to his mother and father with that concealed guiltiness.
D asked me to be his girlfriend at the Dance Festival cast party. I already saw it coming, for I told him that I broke up with my boyfriend and he told me he planned on asking me something. Something he had wanted to ask me from the first few days that he met me. He told me that he loved me and wanted me to be his forever. I couldn't have felt more the same way towards him. It was amazing how fast I fell for him, a thought I never planned would be possible.
A month passed, and we didn't get to see each other much. He wasn't supposed to have a girlfriend either due to his parents--go figure--so we had to keep it a secret from them, although he acted like my boyfriend in person.
But that was just the thing. I NEVER saw him in person, because he lived so far away and since we were only 15, neither one of us could drive to see the other, and his parents would know he had a girlfriend if they drove him to see me every weekend. We lived in different towns, although not too far away, it still felt like 1,000 miles apart, as he once told me over the phone.
Every day he told me how much he loved me and missed me. He wrote me a song and he was learning to play the guitar just for me so that he may put notes to the song and someday play it for me when his parents DID allow him to date, which would be in only a short year. He sent me the lyrics and my heart melted. I knew he was the one.
Until I heard some shocking and heartbreaking news from one of my dearest friends.
Her name is K, we'll call her. K had warned me of this during the Dance Festival, but I hardly had the ears to listen. I did not want to believe or hear what she was telling me. She assured me that D was a player-a heartbreaker-and that he did this to every girl he was attracted to. That I had fallen for him and was just another piece in his endless game. I couldn't believe it. Him and I had such a connection-it couldn't all be a lie.
I confronted D about it. He assured me that K was lying--he would never hurt me that way. And of course I was foolish enough to believe it, because I had never been in a relationship before and I was young and stupid. I thought I knew was love was, but I didn't.
We had been together almost a month (our one-month anniversary was in a week). He and I had our first fight over something inappropriate… I'd rather not mention for readers. I was so mad at him--I couldn't believe he would say such a thing to me! He assured me he didn't really mean it, that he was just testing me and he knew that he really loved me. But I knew there was something more behind his words. It was my first fight I had ever had with any boyfriend, and I didn't know how to act. So of course, being clueless and blind, I forgave him and we both acted like the whole thing never happened.
Our one-month anniversary came. It was not the longest relationship I had ever had, but the first REAL relationship I had ever had with anybody. I woke up to see that I had a missed call from him, and I jumped at the opportunity to text him back and apologize for missing his call. I would do anything just to hear his voice. I texted him saying "happy one-month anniversary" and I figured that was why he was calling...But I couldn't have been more wrong.
I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. He had been calling to BREAK UP with me...on our one-month anniversary! And he told me that he was lying to me about what L had said...he WAS a player, and he admitted that he could be a jerk and that I deserved someone better than him. But I knew his words were just an easy out of our so-called "relationship."
I had never been so disappointed in somebody. To this day my heart still aches for the D that I knew, but what hurts even more is the realization that he never existed and that I was just another pawn in his game.
And that has crushed me utterly.