I remember every time I watched a movie with some happy, mushy romance in it I wished I had a girl like that. I recently watched Deep Impact and i wanted someone I could hold onto. i keep thinking and thinking about different girls in my life. Then I start to think about all the girls I haven't met yet that could be that girl. But then I start to think about her and those thoughts melt away. Is she the one?
My heart aches every time I see her picture. I know I could never be with her and that's why I don't think about her when I think about the girls I could spend the end of the world with. But I think I could be happy with her. She's the one that keeps me up at night, even though I try to forget her. It's like my mind is trolling me, forcing me to think about her just so I can stay awake and suffer through the night. What hurts the most is when I do get to sleep I dream about her. Harmless dreams just about being with her and hanging out with her. Funny enough I haven't had any wet dreams about her, which is something new for me.
The most recent dream I remember is just swimming in a lake, close to each other. It's odd because I have never actually been that close and to be that close felt like a tease, for her to be right ther but not being able to touch her. When I wake up it's all gone and my chest aches because it was just a dream. Recently I've been doing all I can to make sure she stays out of my mind. It benefits us both for her not to be there.
We haven't talked much. She has a new boyfriend and he doesn't like her talking with other guys so we have lost touch. Of course that doesn't help with me feeling in love with her and all. But she says she loves him and if she loves him I am not going to say something stupid like "I think I love you!" I mean what would be the point of that? I know it will change nothing so there is no point in letting her know. If she does have feelings for me it will just put her in an awkward spot and it will still make things complicated.
So I am trying to distract myself with the girls around me. A movie here and a hug there. Any kind of contact to make my mind change tracks, to get this record player to stop skipping over the same beat. I have tried alcohol in place of my soda because it is stronger. It didn't work so I gave up. I won't forget that night.
My neighbor came knocking on my door and asked if I wanted to hang out. It was an opportune time because right before he did I was on the dreaded Facebook and noticed that on her wall her boyfriend said I love you and she said it back. It made my heart sink so I was looking for a distraction. My neighbor offered one so I took it. It worked for the night, but the day it came back. So soda it is for me then. But I have been drinking it more and more, up to four liters a day, to get her off my mind. Soda has been my stress reliever and it has worked up until this point. But it seems like I am at a dead end here.
Another way out is--to put it in terms of /b/--to an hero. In other words I have thought of suicide. I mean today I watched a movie, Deep Blue Ocean, with genetically engineered Mako Sharks. I was thinking that if I was there I could simply walk into that pool and it'd be over with. I have thought about jumping off the bridge at my college. I am becoming more cold as I try to fight her out of my mind. When I am stressed I put my fingers to my head in the shape of a gun and pull the trigger. I do it jokingly of course. I do the same with putting my keys to my wrist and pretending to slice them. One time though when I put my key to my wrist I pressed harder than I intended to and I didn't even feel it. I began to drag it and stopped before it drew blood but it left a heavy indent for hours. I didn't even feel that I was doing it.
3:47 A.M. Man, still not tired enough for my body to shut down completely. I guess I could try to get some sleep but she is there, she is always there. She comes out of no where and I wont even be thinking of her. Even songs on the radio make me think of her. Love songs, songs not mentioning anything to do with relationships, etc. It's another way my mind trolls with me. My mind makes sure that I am thinking of her whenever possible. Soda and gaming, that seems to work. But my friends like to have quarrels about what games we play and that sometimes leads to an hour or so of nothing and that gives me time to think. I have to lock myself down with nothing but liters of soda and my two-thousand-dollar desktop.
Only time will be able to tell how long I can last. Maybe things will get better. Maybe....