This was the shittiest feeling I’ve ever come to know. No matter how many times we broke up, it never got any easier; though you wouldn’t know that by looking at me. I learned to hide my heart ache and function as though I was completely unaffected by the heart break. I couldn’t believe I had believed him again when he said he wanted to be with me. How many times had he done this now? It was at least five times since we started dating three years ago.
There was always someone better than me, always. He always managed to find a girl prettier than me, funnier than me, more laid back than me. Yet I loved him the most. None of his other girlfriends could love him, or appreciate him the way I do. Despite all of the heart ache he has put me through, I love him just as much as I did in the beginning of all this.
Allison was my least favorite out of all of them. She had been my friend, and she betrayed me by dating him. I knew it wasn’t completely her fault; it takes two to tango. He wanted her just as bad as she wanted him, but still. My boyfriend broke up with me for my friend.
We had been through this before. It all started in sophomore year and I thought it was going to stop after the first girl, but I was wrong. This pattern continued all through the end of high school. They weren’t always my friend, not in most cases actually. But it doesn’t change the fact that he broke up with me for girl after girl. I know, you’re probably thinking, “why the hell did I stick around for so long?” But it’s more complicated than that.
I was determined not to talk to him while they dated. I wanted nothing to do with either one of them. I couldn’t; it would only hurt me more. He is the love of my life and I’ve never wanted anyone else. Why couldn’t it be that easy for him? Why couldn’t he see how much I love him? I give him everything he wants and needs. I’m willing to take away his hurt so he can be happy. I dry his tears, and make him smile. I protect him from this harsh world and wrap him in my arms. I love him with everything in me, and that will never be enough.
It was the day after graduation and I was spending my weekend with my friends at graduation party after graduation party. Life was fabulous. I was leaving for college in two months; I had no responsibilities that summer. I had plenty of parties lined up, and plenty of friends to attend them with. Yeah, life was great until I came home after a weekend of sun, games, food and friends. He was at my house. Well…not actually my house. I had moved into his house with his parents, when tragedy had struck my family earlier that year. So technically, he was at his own house. I wasn’t expecting to see him, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little excited to see him again.
Truthfully, it was only a couple of weeks that we hadn’t been talking, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but for us, it was torture. Since had met in freshmen year, we never went more than a day without talking to each other. So anything more than three days was just unbearable.
When he confronted me that morning, I had to refrain from giving in to my melting heart; something that always happened when he was around. His chocolate brown eyes, and tan skin were my weakness.
“So,” he said shyly; knowing I was still mad at him. “you okay?”
I curled my fists and glared at him, but managed to say in a calm voice. “I’m fine, actually. Enjoying graduation celebrations. Are you okay?” I only asked this to be polite.
He nodded and looked away. The silence was awkward, and upsetting. We never have awkward silences. It hurt to look at him when all I could think about was kissing him and hugging him. I just want him to be mine again. He turned his gaze back to me, and I averted my eyes so he didn’t think I had been staring.
“Do you still hate me?” he asked quietly.
I sighed. “You know that I could never actually hate you.” Sadly, it was true. I love him unconditionally.
“I’m sorry, for everything. I really am…” I could hear it in his voice that he meant it. “I just-”
I put my hand up to stop him. “It’s fine.” I smiled and we hung out for the rest of the day.
It’s hard hanging out with him when he has a girlfriend because I have to act completely different. I can’t touch him too much, I can’t crack inappropriate jokes, and I can’t stare at him for too long. The strangest thing about the situation though, was that Allison had no idea how much we hung out that week. He didn’t let on that while he was at his mom’s house, he was spending all of his time with me.
It sounds wrong, I know. He has a girlfriend, yet he barely sees her for a week because he’s hanging out with me. But honestly, I didn’t mind it. I liked that he was choosing me over her, yet it was the other around just a few weeks prior. But it’s not like we planned to spend an entire week together; it just kind of…happened.
Monday morning, the day after we saw each other after weeks of not speaking, I went downstairs to wake him up. He was passed out on the couch and I couldn’t help but giggle at how innocent and cute he looked. I sat down next to him, still in my pajama shorts and tank top and pulled the blanket away from his face. This woke him up right away, and he smiled as soon as he saw me. He rubbed his eyes and I could tell he was stilling getting his world into focus. He stared at me and a smirk appeared on his face.
“Oh come on,” he chuckled. “That’s not even fair!” He pointed to my sleeping attire.
I laughed. “Hey, you said to wake you up when I woke up. Well, I woke up, so here I am!”
“Oh so you had time to brush your teeth but not to change your clothes?” he teased.
“Hey! You know I hate morning breathe on anyone! Besides, you’ve seen me naked, why is my sleeping attire such a big deal?” I asked.
“Because, ya know, I can’t do anything about it now that I-” he stopped himself, and I looked down into my lap. Neither one of us had officially used the word “girlfriend” when referring to Allison.
“Okay, well, then I’ll go change.” I said simply as I stood up.
“No!..I mean, it’s really not a big deal.” He said sheepishly.
I nodded and sat back down.
“This might be weird but, uhm, can you lay with me for a minute or two?” he asked.
I didn’t even have to think about it before I was lying next to him on the couch, facing him.
“Are you sure you should be laying this close to your ex-girlfriend?” I asked, half joking.
He smiled and shrugged. “Nothing’s happening. Besides, you’re my best friend, Allison knows that.”
Our faces were inches apart. The temptation was so strong. It was like electricity was buzzing between our lips. I looked up at him, and I could see how badly he wanted to. I slowly moved my head forward, giving him a chance to pull away. He didn’t move a muscle. I could feel his chest falling and rising against mine. His breathing grew shallow as I came closer; he still hadn’t moved. Finally, our lips met, and memories and feelings came flooding back. Fireworks exploded, and my heart swelled with joy. My body relaxed and sunk into his as he wrapped his arms around the small of my back, drawing me closer.
Seconds later though, we broke apart. I couldn’t tell you who pulled away first. We searched each other’s eyes; maybe for a sign to stop? But neither one of us found anything, and so our lips met again. Our hands started exploring, touching, groping, pulling anywhere we could reach. He was on top of me and I was sure clothes would start coming off any minute, but again, we stopped.
“We shouldn’t-” he said nervously, still panting.
I nodded, disappointed, yet knowing he was right. “I know. Let’s just…I’m going to go get dressed.” I left the room quickly, and tried not to cry.
I wish I could say that was the only time it happened that week, but I would be lying. In fact, we got worse as the week went on.
I don’t remember what day it was, but we were back to kissing and touching and I was in a dress.
“You know, you love me teasing, I know you do.” He breathed in between kisses.
I smiled, knowing I didn’t even have to respond. He pulled my dress up, and I pulled his pants down. We didn’t even pause anymore, because we both knew we just start again. Before I knew it he was inside me, and it felt so good that I couldn’t even feel guilty. All I cared about was that I was making love with the man I love.
After the week ended, we discussed it and he decided to not tell Allison. I didn’t completely agree, but I had to respect his decision anyway. We both knew he and Allison wouldn’t last. The week was fun while it lasted though.
He came into my room on the day he was going to back to his dad’s. I was glad because then I knew he wouldn’t be with Allison.
“Hey.” He said as he strode into my room and sat on the corner of my bed. “My dad is going to be here soon.”
“I know.” I said. I didn’t have anything else to say to him. I had spent all week with him.
“I still love you. I love you as much as I did the first time I saw you. Allison knows that, I’ve told her. I’ll always love you…” he grabbed my hands and pulled me to him for a hug.
I breathed in his scent, and struggled to fight the tears. “I love you too…” I whispered.
“Dad’s here!” his mom called from the living room. She had no idea what happened between us this week, so we had to act normal around the family.
“See ya…” I said.
“I’ll call you tonight. I love you.” He said. He waved and left my room.
Why can’t you be with me if you love me? I wondered, as I sunk to the floor and cried the tears I had been holding back for over a year.