Emily couldn't sleep. Her eyes were tightly closed, her lids were heavy and she was feeling warm and cosy under her big eider down, yet she still couldn't fall asleep. After having her usual glass of warm milk before going to bed, she truly believed that this would be the night that will bring her lovely dreams. However, her thoughts were not in rest and made her heart run too fast to stay calm and did not let the night take her away. It had been six months spent in such way. The same thoughts kept Emily daydreaming both during days when she really had to try her best to sit through lessons in school, and during nights, by late hours, when her eider blanket was her only hope to make those damn thoughts fade. The mess was still in Emily's mind and nothing, not a single thing had changed. Our girl was living in a rot for half a year and that made her feel desperate for a change. As I said before, this night was no different for Emily. As she laid her blonde head on the same pillow she had had since the age of four, Tim appeared and started to haunt her.
He was twenty-nine, that is, fourteen years older than our Emily. Tim was the brother of Camilla, her best friend. A tall brunet with never shaved stubble left an impression on every girl in the neighborhood. His ragged looks made everyone wonder about his great skills at being social. Every time Emily's father would receive a recently stolen car to be fixed, you could count on Tim appear in his garage and share the hard mechanic's work. That one was a real guy who would never mind helping friends. Living in Norway for a British family was not a paradise. Every immigrant had to face language problems and therefore only jobs available were the underground, dirty ones. Emily's father was given a choice after his wife died. Either he'd move to Norway and get himself into some dirty business or he'd stay in Portsmouth where he would have to work for a fishing company. As his poor health did not allow the old man stay in his birthplace and bother with fish that must be thrown into huge containers, he had no other choice, but to go to Norway. And with a hope that there he would earn more, therefore, depts his wife had once made could be paid soon enough to return to the fatherland. Three days had not passed when Emily Taciter with her father were on their way to Norway where they would share a household with Camilla and Tim, the Braulife children.
While Tim and Emily`s father would be working in the garage, Camilla would take our girl to the park where other peers were. For Emily it was not easy to integrate. Being an owner of a shy character, one` s ability to make new friends is fairly restricted. She does not speak much. Seeing mother on their kitchen ground with a gun still in her hand and blood in hair interfered with Emily's way of thinking. She never knew that a person can feel that much hate and anger. She was betrayed by her mother as she was the only one to really love her. And never again Emily wanted to experience such weakness in her life, never again our girl wanted to trust. It does not take much to make one feel afraid of becoming hurt, and Emily is not no different. Always liked by the authority of any kind as her bright brain can deal with any given task, she never had to face any trouble with doing her work. Always kind and polite, and since the suicide - distanced, too. However, it was not her shyness that made others stay away from her and think that our Emily is nothing more than a naive and dreamy lass. It was her lack of interest towards peers as she had her heart stolen by Tim. And as if it was not enough for Emily to handle seeing him every day in the same house, Camilla kept on talking and talking about her brother. As times passed she begun seeing Cami as one hell of an annoying friend to have and soon became disgusted with her appearance. Yet, for as hard as Emily tried to hide how much she enjoys listening to the stories about Tim that Cami told her, she was not able to hide the truth from herself.
After having spent four months in the new school, she begun understanding some of the language spoken around. How happy she was to be able write in a language that Tim would not understand as he had been working with stolen cars for two decades now. Love letters that she would never let anyone see remained in her drawer behind a locked key. Not the key was needed much as she could not sleep anyway. Sleepless nights our Emily would spend just staring at the drawer and imagining what would Tim's reaction be if he read them. The scene would never end well, though. What Emily imagined him do after reading her words on paper was laugh and then give her a kind smile. Emily could not understand what the attraction was based on. It might have been his chaotic character or his brown eyes. Maybe the fatherlike role he lead when she would be around, as he knew her father`s passion for alcohol. It was a mystery, but Emily never wished to solve it. It was fine just as it was and she did not want to ruin the impression she had left.
The secret affection was a burden to be carried. Emily did her best not to pay attention to Camillas brother and so decided to explore Norway. She spent every other weekend to go to neighboring cities and see whether there are more people like her - with poor local linguistic skills, that is, other unlucky Brits being stuck in a rot. To prove to herself that there is someone who would understand her the same way a soulmate she had been looking for forever would do, our girl had to go to pubs full of smelly, sweaty, middle-aged male workers. Only there she felt noticed and important and only places lake those made her forget about Tim. Pubs were always full of guys like him, and if Tim never paid any desire to her why would other bloke do. No, Emily was not afraid of strangers. She had been shown without even realizing it that nothing ever happens or might happen to her because of her own attitude, that is, that cold and empty look she would give people.
However, the look she gave Tim was never like those she gave other garage workers. Sparkles in her eyes confronted her and let the whole world know that it is Tim and Tim only who can make her feel safe. When my mother found her hanging with a rope around her neck she thought that grandmother had killed herself because of the debt her drunkardhusband had left her with. Mother did not know about the letters, though. It was October 23, 1964, and they were still in the drawer, and now as I look at them, I can tell you that every single one is begun with `My Dearest Tim…`, but the last. And that is the one I read.
I curse your grand-grandfather for killing his wife. I curse
him for moving to another land and making me follow him. I curse
the life with its dreams that never come true. All we have are
sleepless nights spent awake thinking about neverending… dreams.
Sally, so many things they do not know and even less they would
understand if they paid attention. But you are the only one I
have as you have grown into a lady of a similar character as
mine. And I do thank your grand-grandfather after all, as he made
me who I was. Love, remember, love is not reliable. You can shed
tears to fall apart for as many times as you wish, but it will
not change anything, if you are the only one wanting to
Sally, dear, Tim was my heartbreaker, my load. Look, how he made me change. When I could sense how safe he can make me feel safe, made me think about how beloved I would be again if he would respond, he was far away and never was aware of me.
But that one time, seven years ago, yes, dear, I can still recall the letter he sent me. It took fifty years for my Tim to tell me how much he liked my curls and the look my eyes paid him. Age, he said, was not in place as I was still a kid. And by the time I had become a blooming woman, he was already married. If he had known.. then, he says, he would never let me leave Norway.
Sally, love, do prepare yourself for being hurt. But remember that sometimes the tears might lead to something great. Love. Patience means a great deal and, Sally, learn from me. Do not run from others.
19 10 1964