The Letter Never Sent
I am writing this letter because I don't know what else to do. I was up last night and could not sleep because of the stupidity, once again. All I want to right now is to get this letter out, but it will probably never get sent. Last night I wrorte a poem that was burning within me, and I couldn't sleep until I let it out like a fire burning within me. It is "untitled" because I have not yet thought of a title for this one yet, although "untitled" sounds like a good name to me.
Anyway, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things lately, and I cannot come to grasp why I do the things I do. I don't understand why I "...act before I think..." or why I think it is okay to go out with someone like you. You should know my true heart, and that is I love Jesus with all of my heart. You will never be the girl for me... and I guess I try to take things into my own hands to make feelings happen. I try so hard to give God my relationships because I know that it is the only way it needs to be. Together forever someday in the future will never happen. But, this overwhelming power comes over me where I know where my life is headed and when I hear from you I get so frustrated and confused and in that confusing stage that I am in, I decide to take situations into my own hands. I know it's wrong... it's actually kind of sick in that twisted kind of way.
I don't want you to think that I have been lying to you, because I haven't. You know me, and my true heart. But our past relationship will no more be the future. That is one of many reasons why we will never be together again. I am free from you; like a bird who was just let out of a cage trapped in his own mess. I make a lot of mistakes in my life, whether it is accidentally or on purpose... but in my mistakes I don't run away and lie to you. The one and biggest mistake was ever having you in my life. Through this mistake, I have learned, and I have grown because it was for a reason I have allowed you into my life.
Without trying to put the blame on anyone by saying "...you make mistakes, I make mistakes..." but I want to say something that I believe is meaningful. You make a lot of mistakes in your life, and sometimes I question myself, "why am I with you?" but I always forgive, because I put myself in the same situation and I ask myself, "what would I do?" I always answer that question completely honestly, because there is no sense in lying to myself... and I'd want you to forgive me. So I always forgive, and realize that you are going to make more mistakes in your life. And I want you to have the security that I will never leave you for any mistake you make in your life. I will always, and constantly pray for you, support you, care for you, and most of all... love you.
That does not go without saying at times I may get frustrated, confused, angry, sad or even depressed, because those are all human emotions that we all go through.
I understand that you get frustrated, confused, angry, sad, and even depressed at my mistakes whether I do them on purpose or by accident... but I am always afraid of you running away and leaving me. Then... I could never forgive myself for my stupidity of "...acting without thinking." I can and will make my promise to you that I will try my very best in "...thinking before acting." I won't do it alone, I will have God helping me every step of the way, but not only that, what would make it a lot easier, is knowing that you are there praying for me, supporting me, and giving me security that no matter what happens you will always be there for me... caring for me, and loving me.
Unfortunately, that time is past and it will never be again. There is a time in life when you have to just say stop. I have given you plenty of opportunity to change, and you have given me nothing but hope, and it was meaningless. You did this to us, and now my eyes are open to the kind of person you are.
That also does not go to say that you haven't been giving me security, because you have. But, you only give me the "security" when times are good and everything seems to be fine. But in those times of when I make a mistake, or I mess up, or whatever, I have no security. I never know if you're going to call me, email me, and let me know if you still love me and will be there for me.
I can speak for myself... and I try (maybe I'm not the best at it) but at least I try. If I am not the best at it, you must tell me and let me know because that is something, I too, need to work on... giving you the security in that situation or any situation. As far as I know, I try and do my best in giving you security when you mess things up, or when you "...act before thinking." I can bring up times when you hurt me by "...acting before thinking" in different situations... more than once. Just as I am guilty as charged for this, you are just as guilty as I am.
But I forgive you in my times of anger, sad, and hurtfulness. I never have (to my knowledge) hung the phone up and left a conversation and leaving you hanging whether or not I still loved you, or I didn't want to work through a situation. I have always let you know that I am there for you... I forgive you no matter what you have done. I will always forgive you now and forever... if you mess up a thousand more times... I will be there for you encouraging you, being your best friend... and life's partner... your soul-mate.
I know at times I may not be the best friend, and yes at times I may lie or say something that isn't true... but you will find out about it because God will reveal it to you one way or another. Just as how God reveals things to me about you... and I have to find out about things before you tell me... you can attest that you can't do anything without me NOT knowing about it... because God will reveal it to me. In that same way, I am beginning to realize that I cannot do anything without you NOT knowing because God will reveal it to you.
I always have told you things about me, whether I didn't tell you right away or not... but you DO know the "real" me and that I would never intentionally hurt you... and again, I realize I did and for that all I can do is ask for your forgiveness and that I will do my best not to do that again.
We all make mistakes... some worse than others... and I am by no means trying to make light of our mistakes... but I want to learn from our mistakes so that we can move on without making the same mistakes twice. Yes, I have made this mistake more than once, and maybe three times, or four... I don't know (?) but you do know me and that I DO NOT want to hurt you... and I will work even harder than before. As you have made the same mistake twice, or maybe three times or more... and I have to say, how many times? and yet you apologize consistently for it and I forgive. I can go back and forth just as much as I know you can... with mistakes I've made and mistakes you've made... and we can compare which ones are worse, which ones are the same... or maybe which mistakes are completely different than the other... maybe we'll bring up mistakes that are completely irrelevant to one another. But that is not what I want to do, and I sure hope it is not what you want...
The purpose of this email is my sincere apologies to you... for I had no right to lie and make up a story to get you jealous... I cannot even believe I would have done such a thing. I did love more than you even know... more than life in itself... and all I want... all I ever want is to be together with you again... and that is what scares me so much because I DO NOT want to lose you. You are truly the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want to hold you in my arms again... but with all of that stated, I will never be together with you because of what you have done.
It does not matter what I want anymore, someone is out there for me who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated... the feelings I have will pass, and my feelings for someone else will come.
The weather reminds me of you,
Perfect one day; sunny and blue skies.
Suddenly it changes; dark clouds, blue to black,
I face the storm; I can never go back.
A work of art reminds me of you,
Frozen in time; yet so alive, too.
But a painting is simply a mask,
It won't answer what I want to ask.
A broken mirror reminds me of you,
Reflecting all; in a different view.
It's tiny pieces hurt more than ever,
When they're apart and not together.
All my love,