"Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice."
“Do you love me J?”Asks Richard thoughtfully, while I just stare at the shining sky. “J? Are you listing to me?” How do you tell a person you’ve been dating for nine months that you don’t love him? That you don’t think yourself possible of loving him, ever. He continues talking “I’ve notice that you have never say it. Never in the nine months have you said that you love me.” But how if I don’t. He carries on talking but my mind wasn’t here anymore, I was remembering.
“Those stupid girls were saying that you’ve been having sex with their friend” I laugh at the absurd comment. Those girls weren’t even thirteen years and were talking about having sex with my boyfriend. My 20 year old boyfriend. I was 17, and those girls are just so slutty, I can’t believe girls in that age even think about having sex. I laughed again “You know the creepy one. The sick looking one. She is so… disgusting looking. You know who I’m talking about?” My smile disappeared when Richard kept evading my sight.
We were in my house’s front living room; he just came to his daily visit. “Richard? What’s wrong?” I kept looking for his eyes until he saw to my face, with a solemn expressing. “Is something wrong Richard?” Some problem at home I bet. Or maybe at college, yeah that’s it, college must be really hard. I was on my last year of high school and couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard college would be. On top of college he worked on his father’s business and visits me every single night. He was a busy guy.
“I’m sorry” He whispered too low, I almost didn’t heard it. “I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to find out like this. Not like this” He whispered again, this time a little louder. But I didn’t move; no reaction came from me because I wasn’t sure what to do it.
It happened once again, I thought. I never imagine that Richard too could do this too me, I must be the problem since this is the third guy I date, and cheats on me. Yeah I must be the problem, I thought while a single tear escaped each of my eyes. “I … you… Did you really have…? Did you have sex with that girl Richard? Sex? You had sex?” My sight was foggy and I couldn’t talk clearly with the force of containing my cries. He just nodded and stay stood there like the idiot he has always been.
“I’m sorry J. Please don’t cry. I never want to see you cry. This is why I didn’t want you to find out.” I wrapped my face with both my hands. I hated it when people see me crying and he knows it. Richard hugged me pressing my head to his chest. “Please don’t cry.”
“Fuck you Richard! Fuck you!” I yelled at him while pushing him off of me. I heard my mom yelled from upstairs, asking what was happening. “Nothing!” I yelled and ran off my house as far as I could, I ran for more than five minutes and Richard caught me on his car. When I was as far as I could and no houses surrounded me I dropped to my knees and cry until I couldn’t breathe. Richard knelt behind me and hugged me all the time. He hugged me and cried with me.
I wasn’t sure the exact part for what I was crying for, but it felt good. Crying on the floor felt exactly like what I’ve been needing for a long time. Even Richard’s arms around my chest and his chest press hard on my back, felt good.
I stood from his embrace and wiped my tears. “Do you love her?”
“No, is just sex.” He kissed me hard and deep. And I didn’t fight, but didn’t kiss him back either. His kiss was wet and with not rhythm. They never felt like perfect kisses. Not when every time he kisses me I compare him with Marius, my ex. Our lips just fitted together; perfect. Every single kiss was just perfect. If he just hadn’t made out with one of my best friend, we would be together now. Richard started to kiss my neck leaving a wet spot as he passed. His hands were squeezing my waist on either side, softly. Like all he did; slowly. I pulled back and wiped my neck.
“Take me back home” I said while getting on his car.
“You never let me touch you. You cry if I touch you. You look disgust by my touch. Yet you want me with you, you hug me all the time. We kiss for long hours. But when I touch you… you look disgusted by my touch. And you don’t like to talk about it J. Please I need to know how you feel to try and fix it. It frustrating to see you hiding your feelings from me. You’re hurting inside; I know I see it in your eyes.”
“You’re the one that just hurt. You stupid.” I kept my eyes straight to the street, while I could feel his eyes burning on my sides. “If you would just begin to understand how much you just hurt me…” I shock my head and looked at him. I moved my mouth to talk but no sound came out. “I hate you so much.” I said after a few tries.
“Fucking shit J! Understand. I try! I really did try. But you’re just broken. Something happened to you and you just can’t deal with it. But you wouldn’t talk to me about it. And I feel guilty, like I was the one that did it. You don’t want to open yourself to me. And I’ve try… I swear I’ve try” He said while he laid his head on the steering wheel. I could see his shoulder shacked while he silently cried. “I try” And he did try, but I just couldn’t take those memories out of the back of my head and expose them. I don’t think about the whys of my disgust for people’s touch. Not any touch, but intimate touch. It just feel painful in so many ways. I know he tried more than anybody before, better than anybody before.
“You gave up on me. Because it’s true I’m broken. I’m broken Richard, way beyond repair. And I don’t want to be fixed, not by you or anybody else. This is who I’m. Just give up. Be happy with that little slut” I said with hatred on my voice.
“I love you and I won’t give up. I haven’t given up, but I need this. What I have with her is just sex and you have to understand the difference. You… You I love. I crave you. Every day I crave you, your kisses, and your hugs. I understand that you can’t not help being broken. And I won’t push you on that but I need to look for what is missing in my life so I won’t go crazy”
“Crazy like me?”
“You’re not crazy. Just life’s been hard on you. And I know I just made it worse. But just accept it the way it is. Accept it and let’s continue the way we were. Let’s keep being happy.” I cleaned the latest tears while he said this. But more tears came after them and then more.
“Truth is Richard I don’t want to see you ever again.” I said and got of the car and into my house. But I was afraid nobody would want me all broken as I was. I was afraid, because didn’t want him to stop trying. Don’t give up on me Richard, I thought before closing my house front door.
To Be Cotinued...