I was talking to him again. He wasn't talking to me the way I would've liked.
"Wattup?" I said, referring to something he once said.
"Lol I was imitating you."
"Very bad imitation."
I was taken aback; I mean he said the exact same thing not even a month ago. Why was he speaking so nonchantly, so apathetically? Trying not to dwell on little things I swallowed my pride and asked him another question. I remember he once agreed with James, saying that it really would be nice to have a girl who loves you unconditionally, asking you about your day and what not. So I took a leap of faith, plus I really did care.
"How are you?" Hoping to get a more than one word reply.
"I'm good. How about you?" I frowned, I mean I feel strongly against 'I'm good's' and 'I'm fine's'. They're so underrated, and I actually want to know. But people are so lazy these days, they aren't really bothered to say what they really feel because that would mean they would have to stop and self analyze them selves. I wasn't going to be a hypocrite.
"Pretty crappy. I've always hated first days, I can't explain it."
He didn't reply. Recalling previous conversations he said he did that whenever he didn't know what to say, or when he had nothing to say. I wondered if saying I can't explain it prevented him from asking more. No, he probably wouldn't have either way. So again, I swallowed my pride and kept prying his life open.
"When do you start?
"I start next week."
He didn't reply. 3 minutes passed and yah that might sound clingy to you. But think about it, real time communication is hell easy. He's already on his laptop, and all he would need to do is type a couple of words. So obviously he doesn't care enough to know why I am nervous, or if there is anything he can do to help. I almost gave up out of frustration but I lost my pride ages ago.
"What have you been doing recently?"
"And how you feeling?"
Bullshit. How thin is his personal dictionary, and does it even exceed a whole page? I was starting to get pissed. I'm trying and I don't know if I should be anymore. On my new years resolution I wrote, close off all feelings for Matthew. It's hard, I mean I feel like if I were to do that, I would have to close off being friends with him in general. I can't imagine how I managed to just be friends with this guy, he hardly is a friend. He doesn't exactly interact, nor does he inquire or show input or effort. He gets pissed when I question his care for me, or if talking to him annoys him. Yet this is what he shows me. Fucking asshole. I've repeated, many times, that he doesn't express himself enough, and it gives me mixed signals. That I get confused and I don't feel like he wants me to be talking to him. He agreed he would show more emotion but still nothing. I don't know what I'm supposed it do anymore.
I don't know, I probably don't even need to be trying. We're miles apart, and maybe it's just hard for him to express himself. But how hard can it be to just type words, things that you think in your head you know? It's not that hard, not if you try. I would like to see him and just see if he's really as different as he says he is. But that's six months from now; I don't think I can wait. I probably should either stop talking to him. That way when I see him it's actually meaningful. Yah. There's no point in talking to him now anyway, not when he's like this. I just wonder why. Why he said he would try to show more emotion if he's not going to. I wonder if its cause he doesn't want to let go of his pride? Knowing he likes me maybe he treats me as blandly as he can so as not to embarrass himself?
"Not feeling lonely anymore since your roommates came back?" I asked.
"My roommates didn't come back."
"Oh. So still lonely?"
How did I know he was feeling lonely? James. James told me. Who told James? Matthew. So I'm thinking he really can't tell me anything. I don't know why. It's so easy for James and Jack to tell me, what's wrong with him telling me?
"A bit lonely I guess." Jackpot. I got a bit of emotion. But even the way he says it is apathetic. What am I doing? I don't even know anymore.
"Cause your friends are still out of the country?" 27 minutes passed.
Man. Sherlock Holmes vs. a girl. He seems to always put himself as someone who can't handle girls. No I'm not some hot video game chick with huge tits. But I'm still a girl. I would like to think. But even James swears at me now, and Matthew caught on to that. I don't mind. But I still want to be treated as a girl. Someone that they will protect like a little sister. How can they do that if they don't even see me as a girl anymore, but some dude friend of theirs? I remember Matthew saying, "Fuck. I have to present and fuck all those girls looking at me. That's really scary." I asked him, "How about the guys? They don't make you nervous?" "Boys can go fuck themselves." I don't know I mean I video call him and I talk to him, how does he not feel… how is he so indifferent? I put myself out there. Way too much. It's like a heart-break every single time he replies. But it's like a heart-break every single time he doesn't reply. He's extra bland today.
"Mm, are you alright with me?" I know he's probably going to make his excuse about the fact that he doesn't have much to say and doesn't know what to say when I say something.
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe I'm overthinking." I know he won't reply anymore. I have to dive in once again. Or not.
"I'm confused. Why you asking?" I'm not sure what to reply. I want to say because he's so low on words. Because he's so low on emotion. Because I don't feel like he puts effort? That's stupid. We're miles apart there's no point. So what do I say. I finally got his attention and I have nothing to say. Well he's not busy. He's not like the others, he stays on his laptop all day. So it shouldn't be an excuse not to since we can. I ended up saying,
"Mm, you seem distant?" Hopefully he will say something to which I can reply, 'You said you would show more emotion' to just so I can bring it up.
Last night I had a dream.
I call them the gang; Matthew, James, Jack and their friend Renzo. The Gang and I made a plan to meet up in Portugal for the summer. It will be the first time that we see each other in 5 years. So the dream started.
I gave in my boarding pass and watched the lady put it in the slot so that I could just have the little part of it where the seat number was located. I made my way down the aisle with my abstract printed sling bag. I felt extremely giddy, knowing that in less than 5 hours I would be seeing the gang. I made sure I had some sleep just so that I would look slightly decent, also so that I wouldn't be so sleepy when I arrived and bring down the mood. Hell, that's stupid. When I see them I could have had 5 sleepless nights and still find energy to jump for joy. I took my camera out and pressed the record button. Part of my summer vlog thing I was doing. When I was finished I put it back in my sling and tried to keep my body from twitching with joy. I couldn't believe it! I would be seeing them. I would be seeing Matthew. I couldn't believe I could hug him in less than 5 hours. Have him hold me. See that smile. That stupid stupid smile. I could see James. Man I have missed him. And Jack. I was getting excited again and forced myself to calm down. I fell asleep for 3 hours.
I woke up and peered out the window. It was beautiful, sunset. The clouds looked calm and smooth, the pink of the sky tinted the color of the clouds and as the time grew older, the pink turned violet, and eventually, black. 30 minutes left until the plane lands. I knew they would already be there waiting for me. I unfastened my seatbelt and went to the lavatory. I looked at myself in the mirror. Shit. I looked like hell. I changed into some leggings and a hoody to get rid of the airplane stale smell. I got my comb from my sling and French braided my hair. I took my hat from my sling and put it on. There, not so bed head looking now. I washed my face and suddenly felt awake and fresh. I brushed my teeth and moisturized my face after. I got some lip balm on my lips and sprayed myself with perfume. I went back to my seat; 15 minutes left. I got my camcorder out again and recorded. 10 minutes left. I couldn't wait, I just couldn't. I kept looking out the window, though it just seemed like I was closing my eyes since all I could see was black, endless darkness.
We landed. I was ready. I got out of the plane and got my checked in luggage. I put it on a kart then I started searching for familiar faces. I became a bit nervous. What if they weren't here yet? I would just be an idiot looking for someone that wasn't there. What if they were here? Would it be awkward? I've thought about it a million times. The fact that I haven't seen them for 5 years. What if they didn't make me feel comfortable like they did over the internet? What if they actually made me feel uncomfortable, people I don' t know? What if their physical appearances and physical make up intimidated me? I wasn't an intimate person and I had this sad habit of feeling uncomfortable when faced with the situation of hugging someone I don't feel attracted to or someone that I feel like makes me feel uncomfortable. Crap. I was psyching myself out. What if they had weird scents? I don't like being touched. I just feel uncomfortable quickly. My worried eyes kept searching for people I didn't even know if I was still excited to see.
There he was. I saw Matthew first. He was looking at me. He looked like something was wrong. He was looking at me like he was confused, unsure if it was me. I stopped my stroller and just looked at him, smiling. He came closer and I just kept smiling. He started fastening his pace and that's when I ran, I ran and hugged him and he spun me around. Matthew's scent took over my world and his jubilant aura drowned me with happiness. I took a step back and he was smiling, that stupid stupid smile. I saw the gang running to me and I gave them all hugs, laughing and smiling at seeing them all. I stifled a scream. I kept looking at Matthew at the corner of my eye. I didn't want to miss any of this, any moment that I had to see him, to see him laugh, to see him look at me, to see his eyes and his whole being. I couldn't keep it in. I hugged him again, a nice bear hug where my head was comfortably placed on his chest right under his chin. I looked up and he looked down on me with a stupid look. I laughed and let go. I went back to my kart and started talking to James while we went to the taxi. This is it. This was it. The summer of my life. The summer I see my best friends. The summer I kiss Mathew.
I woke up in my bed, my eyes open to darkness and gradually start to absorb some light. I try to sleep again but I can't go back to my dream. I get my iPod from my bedside table and sleep on my left side this time. I rearrange my pillows vertically so that there is one on either side of me. I don't sleep on pillows because I heard it was bad for your back once and ever since then my neck would hurt if I used one. I played my playlist that I made for Matthew. Songs that supposedly remind me of him. But man, he's been so distant lately and it's been 17 days that I haven't talked to him. I said I got a play station and that I would probably not talk to him for 2 months because I love it so much. I do. But why doesn't he seem impressed? Man.. if I was his girlfriend I mean aren't I a package? I play shooter games, fantasy games like Diablo, nintendo games, I play sports, watch comedy, sci fi, horror, action, listen to rock, pop, classic and videogame music. I'm not dramatic and I can be girly. If it was any other girl I bet it would look impressive on her. I'm tired of trying.
Anyway I just want to play and do what I like so even if they don't notice whatever right? He said sure you'll stop talking to me as if to say sarcastically that I can't stop talking to him. I wanted to prove him wrong and have been doing so ever since. Man distance really changes feelings. When I was continually talking to him I was so into him, but now I feel like he's back in the past. Like really in the past, I no longer like him.
I would always think about going out with him, what we would do, how it would feel, him holding my hands and swinging it as we walked. Putting my arm around his arm and leaning on him and looking up at him while we sat in front of the beach or his arm around me in the movie theatre. The look I would see and give before we kissed. And the laughing in between. The wrestling and the tickle fights, the chasing games. Man. But I think I'm done. I've lost it. Recalling how I felt two weeks ago seems like something from 5 years ago. Which it is. He had a chance. I know I didn't tell him he had one. But I did like him, I really liked him. I don't like him anymore and I know it. I don't feel attracted to him anymore. But he had me. I would skype him anytime and whatsapp him anytime. He didn't put effort so if he's upset in the future for losing me. It's his own fault. I put way too much effort than I should have had to. He never put effort and I always told him to be more dynamic but no.
I listened to the song and it wasn't him I thought about. It was Conrad. It's the kind of songs he used to let me listen to. Pretty sexual sex-like songs. But with a good beat and vibe. I don't care much for the lyrics. I loved the song. Really made me feel chill and sexy. I can't imagine Matthew in that situation I guess that's why I see Conrad. Matthew is that video-game playing quite guy that was always my best friend. Conrad was that guy who got the girls, knew how to do his hair right and how to dress like he knew what effect he had on girls. I closed my eyes and the beat went through my body and it triggered my next dream. I saw me and Conrad at an amusement park. He held my waist as we walked and all the girls looked at him and then at me. He would kiss me every time they did. There was a little concert there and he went behind me and held my hands to the sky, waving it left and right. He moved his hands down my arm with the tips of his fingers until he was on my waist. The way he held it, the pressure and the way he pulled me towards him. I couldn't handle it, I was getting high from his presence. He turned me around and cupped my lower back with his arms and dipped me closer to the ground as I held my arms tightly around his neck laughing.
"I'm gonna fall!" I screamed.
He didn't say anything just kept looking at me with his smile. He looked at my lips and he bit his and winked at me. The atmosphere changed and I suddenly stopped the fear of falling to the ground. I took my arms off his neck and crossed my hands behind his neck instead. I gave him a flirty smile and he laughed. I looked at the sky exposing my bare neck. He kissed it gently and started moving his way up to my face as I lowered it and closed my eyes, kissing either side of my cheek, my nose, my forehead, back down my nose and then finally my lips. Just a peck. I was mad. I went in.
Our lips danced together, and he pulled me back up and I was engulfed by his arms and lips. This was ecstasy for me. My personal drug. I took my earphones out. This was wrong. I was over him. I told myself I would always choose Matthew over him. Conrad hurt me and he will never get a chance with me again. But he had such a spell over me. Or used to. Ugh. It pissed me off.