Today I received a letter from Diane and Jack, Jackson's parents.
I was kind of surprised to see a letter come from them, since
after Jackson's death we kind of distanced from one another. It
came in this massively wadded envelope. Imagine my surprise when
I discovered it contained a letter from Jackson, right around the
time of our first anniversary. Of course, there was also a letter
from his parents:
We found this folded and in an envelope when we were going
through JJ's stuff at Brent's house. We have had it for a few
months, but after much consideration, we decided to give it to
you since it was meant for you.
Diane and Jack
I was totally curious to see what this wad of paper was inside
this envelope with my name on it. It had Jackson's writing on it,
and I was instantly compelled to touch the writing and laugh at
his messy handwriting, which meant he was in a hurry because his
writing was normally neater. I thought about opening it right
then and there, but I decided to run my errands and read it when
I got back and could focus completely on it.
Naturally, I ran through my errands, and returned to the house we
used to share. I changed into my pj's, and lit a fire in the
fireplace (yes Jackson, I finally figured out to work
everything). I grabbed that envelope, and plopped down on the
floor. I hesitantly pulled back the flap, and pulled out this
beautifully wrapped paper with a red wax seal on the edges. I
gently broke the seal, and unfolded the paper.
March 25, 2007
My Dearest Ava,
Today is the day we began dating, for real. And instead of
getting you some cheesy red roses and a gift that I thought long
and hard about getting that you'd love, I decided to do something
you would cherish even more: I am writing you a letter.
Meeting you that dreary March 22 was something I never
intended to happen. I just expected to see The Libertine, and
maybe go grab a coffee afterward. But as I walked across the
street to the theater, I saw you climbing haphazardly out of that
Volvo, trying to open your umbrella and I could swear the Earth
shifted. In that moment, I prayed you were going to see a movie.
I pulled open my own umbrella; which was lost cause, since I was
already drenched and secretly watched you walk to the ticket
counter and ask to see The Libertine. After you had gone inside,
I bought my ticket. I ducked into the restroom to fix myself up,
only to find I looked like shit, and decided to just dry myself
slightly hoping it would get your attention. And then Kellan
called. I popped out of the bathroom, and you had gone inside the
cinema. I casually strolled down the aisle, carefully peering out
of the corner of my eye to find you. I walked right past you, and
stopped 3 rows in front of you, trying to find you. I spun
around, and there you were; completely alone and securing your
purse. I told Kellan I'd call him back later, and strolled to
your row. You were absentmindedly sipping your blue-raspberry
ICEE, and when you saw my shadow, your head turned slowly in my
I casually asked if the seat next to you was taken, and you
shook your head 'no.' and then you whipped your coat off the
seat, and smiled. I sat down in the seat next to where your
jacket was. You didn't seem annoyed, so I faced the screen. I
heard the candy box tear, and the annoying scraping of the bag
trying to open. I thought I would be chivalrous and help you open
the bag. You looked like you wanted to send a wrath my direction.
I smiled cockily when I handed the open bag back to you, which
got you all riled up. The next couple of minutes you spent trying
to peg me down as a serial rapist. You smiled, which made me
smile after you apologized, and then the movie started.
You were so beautiful. And I knew I had to ask you out after
And I did. And you accepted. We drank coffee, discussed our
passions, and talked about the goddamn rain. After the rain
stopped, we walked around for a bit. By then, the sky had gone
dark for night. I walked you back to your little black Volvo, and
thought about making my move. I looked at you watching my hair
blow in the wind, and decided this was the moment. I
made some reference to exchanging numbers, which you agreed to so
enthusiastically. And just as your face straightened, I moved in.
You leaned back against that car, and the wind blew a piece of
your hair onto your face, and I brushed it away. I watched your
eyes close in response. I moistened my heavily-chapsticked lips,
and kissed you. It was like kissing an angel. A million thoughts
entered my mind; most of them dirty, but you know me well enough
to know that was exactly what was going on in my head. I left you
that night, totally amped to ask you out again.
I am a loser boyfriend. I changed my mind at the last minute,
and bought you cheesy red roses and took you to Maine for the
weekend. You didn't care that it wasn't traditional, which made
me fall in love with you even more.
Do you remember last Fourth of July? That was some time,
wasn't it? I had been bugging you for some time to have sex, but
you weren't ready. Despite the fact you and I had not many
secrets, we never discussed our "experience." You were still a
virgin, and it suddenly dawned on me that I needed to stop being
so pushy. But that night, we sat on the grass watching the
fireworks, and you changed your tune. You were so beautiful when
we got back to your apartment, and so nervous. I talked to you
about not needing to rush if you weren't ready. You told me
otherwise. You were so unkind about how your body looked,
believing you were fat-you weren't. You were and are, absolutely
stunning. I apologize if you thought I was staring out of
disgust.--I was captivated by the beauty of your body. And that
night went well-for both of us.
It's your birthday today, baby. 24 years young. And just as
beautiful as the day I met you. You never believe me when I say
that, but I mean every word. I got lazy again, and didn't finish
this letter. Maybe you'll get it by our next anniversary. I
bought you Entourage, since I know how much you love Adrian
Grenier's eyes. I am not jealous, since you know how much I love
We just got back from Cape Cod. You've just stepped out to
buy some Chubby Hubby ice cream, so I don't have much time. This
is your birthday present-I swear. Taking the photos at Kellan and
Madelyn's wedding made me think about some things-and I think I
may make this permanent, you & I. Maybe I will do it like
Edward, in the bedroom. Or I just might drag you down the Cape
again and do it there. I realized this weekend baby that you are
The One. I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and to
hell with what my dad thinks. He's a big jerk. I know what I
feel, and I know it's right. There is no one else for me.
I think I hear you coming.
September 2, 2008
I am sorry for being a jerk yesterday. I love you.
You're a liar. I come home from a hard day shooting photos to
you in clothing. Where was the see-through baby doll? Thank you
for the gift, and there is no one else I would rather walk
through snow with.
And that was where the letter ended. There was another piece of
paper tucked inside.
October 27, 2008
My Dearest Celine,
Words cannot express how much pain I feel right now. I acted
like a huge jerk, and I cannot find a way to apologize. My dad
admitted to what he did, and I wanted to rip his heart out of his
chest like in Indiana Jones. There are no words to express how
upset I am. Despite my depression, I am still taking some stuff
out of the apartment, so we can have some time to cool down.
Hearing you cry was the most painful thing I ever heard. I love
you baby, I really do.
My heart broke again. I will never understand why Jack took the
furniture if he only intended to take some clothes for a short
break. Whatever his reasons, I will never know.
There was a smaller lump in the envelope, so I pulled it out. It
was a small notebook. December 25, 2006-our first Christmas.
December 25, 2006
Celine is in the other room. Today has been an awesome day.
For about ten minutes I watched as she slowly awoke, her eyes
blinking erratically. Her smile is beautiful to me. She was not
happy with me when I told her that my shower was more important
than opening gifts. She doesn't think I know she snuck out of the
bedroom this morning while I was in the shower. She was crafty
enough to quickly slink back in when I shut off the water. I
could tell from her face that she had been up to something. We
have only been dating 9 months, but I can tell most of her facial
expressions. Exchanging gifts was a great time. I only have a
short time, since she is getting ready before we go to Serena's.
But I think I am ready to take her home to the family.
Let's just hope Dad doesn't make an ass of himself like he
did with the other girls I brought home.
Celine is ready to go.
I'm not going to lie, I cried like a bitch. His letter was
haphazard, because he kept putting things off. Despite the
haphazard letter with the broken red seal, the letter he intended
to probably leave in the mailbox, and his little journal; I was
very happy. It somewhat felt like the closure I was in desperate
need of. It has been six months since he has died, and the once
large void in my heart has closed up for the most part. Some part
of me will always belong to him, but my life is finally moving
I posted my words to Jackson on a blog, and the readers have been
eager to hear what I have been doing for the last six months. And
for those awesomely supportive people, I will tell you.
- November was full of blatant
sobbing at the drop of a hat. I went to a concert with some
friends, and had the time of my life. For about six hours, I
forgot about Jackson's death. Incidentally, I also got drunk
(which I never do) and slept with one of the musicians.
Thanksgiving was difficult, since the two of us always had it
- December was a disaster, since it
was Christmas and it was another thing we usually celebrated
alone or with close friends. I begrudgingly went to my parent's,
and was miserable because they were all so happy.
- It was much the same in January
- Our anniversary was hard. I spent
the day at home, watching home videos and looking at pictures.
- In April, I met the most
wonderful man. He was a fleeting fling, but it was fun while it
lasted. And he was very understanding about my loss, unlike some
other men I had met.
And that brings us to the present. I have met a guy, and right
now it is too early to tell where it's going, I am optimistic.
For the longest time, the moving on was difficult. It felt like
ripping a pointy poisoned arrow through my heart. But with the
help of our close friends, I am making progress. I am sure that
Jackson is proud to see me happy once again, and able to turn on
the heater in the winter (with Kellan's help).