That was two years ago. It was the first and the last time we had a close encounter of the intimate kind. Sorry to disappoint you. Not that we did or do not want to. If circumstances were different, we would definitely have indulged one another. It wasn’t the best that I have ever experienced, not because it wasn’t good or anything. On the contrary, just the mere fact that it was him, made it glorious. What put a damper on our rendezvous was the fact that it was illegitimate. Being the person that I am, my conscience did accuse me afterwards. The “whys” started to plague me again. I have a good marriage, so why did I do this? I do love my husband, so why did I fall for another guy. Was it the excitement of the moment that carried me away? Did it make me feel special? I have decided not to ask those questions again. I do not know the reason for that and I believe that one thing that came out of it, it changed my perception on why people have extramarital affairs. They might have their different reasons but I will not be too quick in passing judgement again.
I saw Padrone on his birthday a few months after. I did not even give him a kiss or a hug for his birthday as I did not trust myself. I have, prior to our meeting, decided to break all ties with him as this whole saga of ours could only spell disaster.
We are both married and as far as I could conclude from what my cousin and her husband said, he did not have a very good marriage, but that he is very committed to his wife and kids. I, in turn, have a good marriage although it feels more like a brother-sister relationship but that is not a reason to be unfaithful.
I told him that we should forget about “us”. It felt like I was passing a death sentence to the feelings we have for one another. He looked so lost and his eyes portrayed the hurt he felt inside. His eyes could always express his emotional state. My heart went out to him, actually for both of us. We know that what we have is not something that will pass. It is here to stay. I admit, it was very difficult for me to break it off but I could not keep up with the pace of feeling down one minute, feeling elated the next or having to be careful not to get caught out. All these emotions left me drained, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I sent him sms’s now and then, but he almost never responded. I thought that he has forgotten me. This was what I wanted, but the thought did hurt…..a lot.
My cousin and her husband were relocating to another province and I went to her house to bid them farewell. I admit that I had hoped to see him but the fact that he seemed to have forgotten me, made me discard those hopes.
He did come to their house and when I saw him, my heart catapulted inside my chest. I could see that he was also shocked to see me so unexpectedly. We were very polite but could not resist looking at each other all the time. It was like some invisible string was pulling our eyes toward one another. I could not stop looking at him, drinking in his physique, his eyes, his mouth, his profile.
My cousin and her husband saw what was transpiring and, bless their souls, left us alone.
I could not say a word and just kept staring at him. He looked at me, smiled and said “Tammie”. “Why did he do this?” I thought. It’s exactly what he did when I fell for him hook, line and sinker almost four years ago. I felt weak in the knees again and I knew that my feelings for him has not changed one bit. “I miss you.” he said so softly I almost could not hear him. I had to be honest and told him that I missed him too. “Give me a hug?” He was the one making the first move this time. I must say, he has definitely evolved. I did not wait for a second invitation and stepped into his arms. It was a “Eureka” moment. That was where I belonged, in his arms. When he held me, I could feel that he meant it when he said he missed me. I could forever stay right there in his arms.
We must have been clinging to each other for a minute or so, and yet it was so therapeutic. All the longing and the missing disappeared for that moment. I looked up into his face and in doing so he lowered his head and kissed me. “Why didn’t you want to kiss me when you wished me for my birthday?” he asked. “I tried to do the right thing. We should not be doing this.” I replied. “Yea, I know,” he said before descending his lips on mine again. Everything around me faded, I was in heaven once more.
As per my cousin’s husband, Padrone has never been a womaniser or a player and that he was the type of guy that was always on the straight and narrow. He admitted to me that he was dumb struck by the fact that Padrone and I could feel like that about each other for such a long time.
That was the last time we have made contact and I know that my life will never again be the same. Although I try not to think of him anymore, he will always be somewhere at the back of my mind but I know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will always have a place in his heart and he in mine. I don’t know what the future holds in store for both of us but………who knows?