"You know, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Everything just happened so suddenly. He seemed like such a nice guy. I never imagined that he would be the type of person that would do something like this. I really really liked him, but today he just changed. It was like he had become a whole other person just within a few short hours. I want to tell you right now though, I cant be here. I have to go back. It wouldn't be right for me to stay here. Sure I know that was I was doing was wrong, but I seriously needed the money. I know that I've lived a life of sin but please don't make me pay for it now, I'll change I promise. A person's sins can make or break a person, please don't let mine completely break me, look, I'll tell you everything:
When I turned 12 it seemed like my world started spiralling down. My mom and dad couldn't pay the bills and we quickly found ourselves living in a shelter. My dad was too proud to ask his family for help, and my mom was the same way. They wanted their children to believe that they was strong and that they could make it without any help from anyone. Things were hard for a long time. There were instances where we didn't even have anything to eat for days. Me and my siblings would try to bring home the food from lunch but it never seemed to be enough.
My mom started working three jobs, and my dad two. They were doing their best to try and get us back on our feet again. By the summer before I started high school we were back living in an apartment and it seemed like things couldn't go wrong again. But then my dad started drinking. Drinking heavily. Every single night. From that point on I cant even remember more than a handful of times that he was completely sober. The drinking eventually led to him loosing his job. And that quickly we were back living below the poverty line. But my mom still tried as hard as she could to make things work.
When I started high school
everything changed. My parents felt that I was grown up enough
that they didn't have to pay much attention to me. Well, I took
advantage of that. I started going out with guy, countless guys.
I wasn't coming home until about three in the morning, but they
never said anything. I guess, in a way I was trying to test them.
See how far I could go before I got in trouble. Well I went far
and nothing ever happened.
I went as far as I could go just a few months into the school year. Nope, I didn't start drinking or doing drugs; I started having sex, and boy did I love it. It was like the emotional release that I had been looking for ever since everything had happened a couple of years back. My parents knew that this was going on, hell they even caught me a couple of times. But they never did anything about it. It was as if they didn't even care enough to yell at me. So I started replacing the care that I wanted to feel from with, with care that I "though" my boyfriends were giving me. So whenever they asked me for "favors" I didn't mind doing them, as long as I kept doing them I was sure that they would keep loving me, keep caring.
Well, I got a huge reality check when I was 16. After being with a guy for only a month I found myself pregnant with his kid. I was scared, scared out of my mind. I kept the pregnancy to myself for about 2 months, but I started getting sick. I had to tell someone. So I did what any child would do. I went to my parents for help, I figured that they loved me enough to help me out during this time. But I didn't receive help, nothing even close to it. When I told my dad his reaction was to kick me out of the house. His exact words were, "get out". I looked over to my mom and she just sat there with a sunken sullen look on her face. She didn't say anything though. She wouldn't even look at me. So I just got up, packed up some of my stuff and left. I haven't talked to my family since.
When I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant he didn't take it to well either. He called me a "slut" and told me to stay away from him. That hurt badly, more than my parents reaction. I didn't cry though, I just took it all in. I wasn't going to let myself be broken by this.
But yeah, my son is now seven and I needed to take care of him. We were doing far worse than my parents ever were. So I started working at a night club, my best friend would watch him for me until I got off. I wasn't getting paid much working there, and the tips didn't seem to help much either. I could barely pay my rent, never mind the other bills and being able to afford food. It was so painful to have to sit with my son some nights and watch him as he sat hungry, and there was nothing that I could do about it.
I met HIM at the club. He was cute, well dressed, an overall good looking guy. He almost always had a group of friends with him when he came in. He tried to talk to me every time but at first I didn't pay him any mind. I had told him off a number of times, but for some reason he just continued to try and talk to me. And it wasn't like he tried to hide the fact that he was married. He had that wedding ring shining brightly on his right hand. But even with knowing this, over time I became more and more interested in him.
So I started flirting with him, teasing him a bit. When ever he tried to get my number though, I pointed to his hand and told him that that would never happen. But then he said that he was just looking for a friend, well a little more than a friend but definitely not a relationship, he already had that. He told me that one of my co-workers had told him that I was having some hard times. So he suggested that he would pay me to be his "friend". My first reaction was like "hell no!" But then a few weeks went on and things just kept getting worse. I had to do something or I was going to lose my son for sure. I didn't want him to have to keep suffering.
So I took him up on his offer. He agreed to pay me at the end of every month, just in time for me to pay my bills. At first it was cool, we would talk a little. And then get down to business. He always talked about his wife. He talked about how much she made him mad. About how he didn't expect his marriage to turn out like this. He said that she only cared about her work. She was always working overtime, she had some plan of wanting to be the youngest person to become partner at a corporate law firm. But yeah, he was tired all everything that she was doing, she never had time for him.
But that day, just yesterday, we talked for longer than usual. He just seemed so stressed out, he couldn't concentrate on anything at all. It was kind of scary to tell you the truth. He even started yelling a few times. Not at me, but as if he was yelling at her, calling her all sorts of names. But he eventually calmed and we were able to get things started. We couldn't have been going for more than 5 minutes when she walked in. We both jumped up, and he ran to try and calm her down as I tried to get dressed. She looked him she wanted to kill me. He held her as I ran out of the apartment.
He soon came out too and he apologized for everything and gave me a ride home. Once I got I felt horrible, I had been messing with this guy for months and in doing so she had gotten hurt. I decided that that night, at the club, I was going to have to break everything off.
I dropped my son off at my friends house and gave him the biggest hug and kiss ever. He didn't want to let me go, he asked me not to go to work, in fact he begged me not to go to work. But I had to. So he said, "I love you mommy" and watched me leave. I didn't understand why he so badly didn't want me to go to work. Its not like he couldn't known that all of this was going to happen.
When I told him that things had to end, he didn't look to happy. He was already drunk, and he started yelling, so they kicked him out. I wanted to make sure that he was okay, so I, stupidly, went outside to check on him. He was hunched over but wasn't throwing up or anything, so I edge closer and tried to talk to him. I asked him if I could have my last payment now. He told me that I wouldn't get anything because it was only the middle of the month. I couldn't take that. I needed that money. We got into an argument and I called him somethings that I probably shouldn't have. He lashed out and hit me, and my first reaction was to fight back. I mean, he had money that I needed, that my son needed, I wasn't going to leave without a fight. But things got way to heated. He started getting madder and madder and when I tried to run back into the club he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. He held onto me so tightly, just looking at his eyes frightened me.
He told me that he hated me. That I was just a slut and that I would never be more than that. That I would always have to prostitute myself just to feed my son. Then he said something that really upset me. He said that he was going to take my son away from me. My son's school knew that I was always with him, and that he was allowed to pick him up, so he said that he was going to take him from school and I that I would never see him again. I mean, this was my son, my little boy, my life, and he was willing to take that from me just to get back at me. That wasn't going to happen.
I tried pulling myself away from him but I was unsuccessful. I kicked and shoved and punched until he finally let me go. I tried to run again, but as I looked back at him he was holding something. My stomach immediately dropped as I saw what it was. A gun, just pointing at me. As I went to open the club door, I help it cock...pop...and that's all that I remember.
But please, there is still time to send me back down. Just think about my son...he needs his mom there for him...he doesn't have anyone else. I'm so sorry about everything that I have done. I promise that I will change. I promise that I will become a better person. All of this prostitution on working at a club will stop. Just let me go back. This is way too soon, he's only 7. Just please... please, please please, don't make me stay up here. Me and my son need each other. Please, just please... "