The Circle Of
A glimpse of life I could see. Everything else faded away but her, I could live this a thousand times. I realised of my sweaty palms when I took her as she came down the aisle. Nothing ever seemed so beautiful and so impeccable but her. I could see nothing, hear nothing other than when she parted her lips from one another and said "I do".
I always believed that it is not us who understood what love is,
it isn't our mind or our heart that we felt love with. Yes, love
is the most extreme form of human emotion but I believe love is
deeper than that, love is when one soul recognises the other and
finds pleasure in it, which I only found from Catherine, my
beloved wife. The pleasure from one soul to another.
Life as it is couldn't be any better, Catherine and I met in an University gathering party. At that very moment, I didn't fancy her and love was obviously contrary. But I felt different, a vibe is what I felt. She walked across the hall and went pass me, at that moment, as she passed I smelt her, it was not a perfume nor any other sort of aroma. It was not how beautiful she looked in her blue polka-dotted dress and her hair tied up with her blue hair band, but it was how I felt or how my essence got the pleasure of which I became so fond of. It wasn't the attraction I had on her first but the amazement that came to me, the exhilaration as the atmosphere around me altered with her being around.
I am 27 years old and getting married to the girl I so love. If ever heaven existed then I knew I was in heaven with Catherine.
I stayed a bit longer in my bath, I didn't feel like getting up. Next to me was the window fogged by the warm water bath, I stared at it for long creating an abstract within my mind from the foggy window. As I tried to get up the first time I failed, then I got up in the next try realising how old I was getting. I looked on the mirror and saw a 55-year-old man, with bald patches and an aged face.
I walked out of the bathroom and saw her still sleeping in her bed, I walked steadily so not to wake her up and kept two notes of 100s on the table next to her bed. I am a regular customer, she knew where to find the money when she wakes up. She is a gorgious` woman and probably she likes me, she thinks I am different from the other customers she has. I like her too, she gave me good pleasure, bodily pleasure.
I am a Professor in a nearby University from where I live, life is blue, steady and slow for me. Sitting down on my couch gazing and opening the doors in my mind where I keep all my memories is what I usually do when I am home . That day I was doing the same as a knock on the door is what I heard.
"Why didn't you come, you old tramp ? '. It's Anthony, the only friend I have as I am an ignorant to the rest of the world, he was the only friend I talked to.
"Oh, I forgot... C'mon in " I replied to his in a way aggressive question.
"How can you forget your Doctor's appointment ?" he cried as he came inside. Anthony being a caring friend is also my doctor.
" You do know you have to visit me every week, right ? " he said,
this time in a very settling tone as he took out his blood
pressure machine to check mine.
Actually I knew I am a bit sick, from the age I guess and I was ignoring it but I didn't want to die. I wanted to see her again, touch her again. Probably I will never but being an old man now it is only the hope that keeps me going. The hope that I get from what Catherine said to me on the day we got married.
As I came back from work and entered the bedroom, she is lying there in our bed, as beautiful as she looked and the curve on her body made her look so, I went round the back and tugged my face on her neck, her warmth took me over in seconds. My chin rested on her shoulders with her facing the other way, I could see her cheeks curving to create her dimple and I knew she is awake with a smile on her face.
" Why did you use perfume Cathy ?" I complained in a childish manner.
She turned around, kissed me and laughed saying '" Ah, I know you don't like it when I use perfume but I went out with my friends "
Kissing her on her forehead I said softly " you don't need a perfume baby, you know how crazy Iam with your smell ".
She got up from the bed and as she walked of to the kitchen she laughed again and said "God knows what smell you get from me, how come I never smell it ?"
To be honest I think no one smelt the aroma that she naturally
bloomed with, nobody saw her the way I did.
As I spend more time with her I started noticing more and more of her exquisite, her lips like the wave of an ocean, her skin as soothing as silk, her face up lifted and shiny, as if you would feel like the first day of summer every time you'd see her.
That night after dinner on our bed Catherine was looking lost in a thought, she might be having those headaches that she usually has.
" Cathy, you okay ?" She looked at me but I knew that she was in some other world lost with her thoughts.
" What if, we never have children ? " she said still lost in a dilemma .
We have been married 6 years and as hard as we did try we never could conceive.
" What will happen when we are old and we would want to seek for
happiness and wilderness in our children's' eyes, we will be so
alone" she concluded with tears now dripping by her cheeks.
" Cathy... not this again" I didn't know what to say, I couldn't see her blue. " If we never have children that would be God's will, but I do promise that I will be with you till the very end, when we are old we will help each other cross the road " I raised my voice in a jocular manner " and we will make love even if I am a 90 year old man ".
She smirked, exposing her dimples, but the tears found their way out still.
" How inspiring can ones life be to other lives ?, Leonardo Da Vinci born in 1442 as a bastard child in the days of Florence, who later grew up to be a mastermind."
" So many inspired by his movement towards science and arts or even philosophy, if inspiration to today's men come from others ?, and inspiration being the key to try to be something big or to strive towards something as in Leonardo's case was the curiosity towards knowledge, then who inspired Leonardo ?"
I stopped, I was gasping for breath for a little while. I must the oldest professor in this University now, I knew it was my time to leave. But I loved this place, I met her here.....
" Sir, are you okay ? "... said one of the students from the front.
" Yeah... yes I am " I replied.
I looked towards the class and with a sincerity and I continued " Don't have any idol, don't follow in no ones footsteps because what you will become is another one of what that person was , you will always be second because the footsteps you follow has been walked before by your idol. I will finish today, but I would like to say one thing, remember truest inspiration comes from ones own self, from what he goes through in life, from what he urges for in life"
" Look at Da Vinci he was a no man, what he did he had no idol to
follow but being a bastard child with no love, he motivated
himself not from the people around but from the soil of his life,
and I want you lot to have the same mind frame, enjoy your
I came home and started looking around, I always did though I knew there was no one there. I walked across to the hall towards my room and left my body to rest on the bed. I have nothing left but my weak and senseless figure, but within I had my hope. I was not dying inside, the only thing that I taught myself was how to feel this hope, it was my only inspiration, I couldn't love no one but her,. couldn't hate anyone except me but it was just this hope that I had my emotions attached to. I was feeling sick again. I reached for the phone to call Anthony.
No winter day was as pale as that, the doctor came around to me to say that Catherine had brain tumour and which is deteriorating day by day, I couldn't hear anything what the doctor said after, but I could hear a humming sound, I didn't even realise that I had walked out of the doctors chamber, it made me angry, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to hurt someone, myself ?.
I walked towards Cathrine's ICU ward and through the glass I could see her. Her tainted face, with no make up she looked as beautiful as ever.
I was gazing at Catherine from a distance where she couldn't see
me, tears pouring down my unshaved cheeks, I was a little boy
again scared to face the reality, standing there for quite some
time I gathered my self and went in.
I stood next to her bed, she was sleeping but the sound of me walking towards woke her up. She smiled at me but this time not in the usual way, she knows what happened to her and how long she has left, it felt like she even knew how I felt standing next to her knowing she would not be with me soon. She always read me well, and knowing that she could see my pain made me angry and devastated. I wanted to hug her and cry like a little baby but I couldnt.
She held my sweaty palms and her aroma that I fell in love with struck me as I sitting down next to her. There she is my beloved, still smiling like she is going nowhere but staying here with me.. always...
Catherine passed away that same winter, leaving me with the
feeling of despair and melancholy that became harder to endure
day by day, even her smell wore off from her clothes as time
passed, I had nothing.
" She was here, She was here " I screamed as Anthony came in the room.
I looked around and I saw monitors keeping my heart rate, and an oxygen mask and syringes that was inserted to me when I was unconscious may be.
" Calm down, you shouldn't scream at this state " Anthony told me with a calm voice, Anthony is as old as I am , but a thousand time fitter than me. He still was my doctor at the age of 86, as I never allowed any other doctor to see me.
Hoping to get a reply from Anthony, this time I said in a vert mild tone " She was here, Anthony "
He got up from sitting next to me and walked to the corner of the room.
" You need to rest now buddy, you are in a critical condition, you had an attack again this time a more severe one " Anthony said and walked towards to the door,
" I told you that Catherine was here Anthony " I screamed again. This time Anthony forced his body and rushed to me and said in a very angry manner.
" She died, she died more than fifty years ago, stop it now and rest ".
Weak and very old as I am, I felt like a kid being scolded by his father, I couldn't stop the tears that came down my face.
" She was here Anthony " I said again but this time with a last
hope that he will believe me, tears came pouring down. I found
myself, an eighty eight year-old man crying like a little baby,
holing on to my only hope that I had lived with so far.
Anthony walked to me slowly " You were unconscious, how could you see her. you were in a coma for two days, how could it be possible, tell me ? "
I looked to my left, and then to the right slowly where Anthony was standing and I said " I smelt her Anthony, I smelt her ".
Anthony's face changed marginally, he wanted to say something but
stopped and left the room, he looked disappointed and sad.
I knew she was here, the same aroma of her took me over, may be it was a young nurse or a doctor may be, my soul recognised her I know, I did, may be she recognised me too. She was here, she is here, I love her so...
I can suddenly see doctors rushing towards my room, I slightly heard the alarm that went of from my heart monitor, my feet is cold , my palms sweaty, what is happening to my body ?, I can't move my neck, the only thing in my mind is Catherine.
I was fading in to black as the last thing my body felt was a
touch of a hand holding my sweaty palms and that smell...
" Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of
God to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony
..." the priest continued.
I am nervous but I cannot take my eyes of Catherine... As we got inside the car after the ceremony, Catherine with her big wet eyes looked at me with out saying anything, after a while looking directly at me she spoke with the utmost sincerity " I will always be with you, even if I die...." I forced my finger on her lips to stop.
I was angry at her for talking about death but I didn't show it on my face, I touched her underneath her ears and took her head to rest on my shoulders.
From that day I knew it was not only love but it was a hope. A hope that life is beautiful as she and would always be..till the day I die.