Your eyes, so gray and wise, held me captive for so long. Every time I was away, I'd think, I can resist her. I don't need her. I don't. Yet when I'd look up and see them, I knew I would never be able to lie and say I wouldn't.
Your charm was encouraging, as well as your imaginative mind that mirrored my own. Our conversations held for hours upon hours. Your laughter created something warm inside of me, heating me from the tips of my toes to the ends of m hair. I dreamt about you often. Of kissing your smooth lips, of pushing my hand through your long jet black hair.
But I could never do that. Because I was your best friend. You never knew, because I hid it well. My desire for you. Every night you kept me up. Every night you had me tossing and turning, unable to even close my eyes.
Remember that day we met in Science class? I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. I asked everyone, as nonchalantly as I could, who you were. They all replied, "oh no one. Just some chick." I had to pretend. I was suppose to be popular. Suppose to keep appearances. Suppose to not fall in love with some metal head freak.
I sat next to you, telling everyone I'd embarrass you in front of the whole class. Steinhaur our teacher was talking about some nonsense, I really didn't know because I was too busy keeping an eye on you. Watching the way your hair fell below your eyes. How your lips slightly parted when you concentrated. The penetrating look in your eyes.
"Name something flammable," Steinhaur demanded. I waited to see if you would respond, ignoring all other responses. Your eyebrows furrowed in concentration before you murmured quietly, nervously, "fire?" I directly turned my head sideways, to gaze into those eyes I would fall in love with and laughed. You looked back, confused, frightened.
"Fire is already on fire." You smiled, encouraged by my teasing, and laughed.
"Fire can be flammable, too." Little did we know, your remark would begin something special. Something that would enclose us in a bond tighter than anyone had ever known. Little did we know, I would fall in love with you.
So many secrets whispered, so many stomachs filled with butterflies. So many strange glances as I'd walk you to class, laughing, more happy than I had ever been in my life.
So much screaming, so much pleading. Shock when you told me you were anorexic. Anger, demanding you to stop. Your father, the reason why this happened, the throwing up, the cutting. Your desire for one person to love you. One person to understand you.
I understood. Believe me, I understood more than you knew.
Nights where we spent the night watching the stars in respectful silence. Moments we made childish faces behind your mom's back. Moments I screamed I hated your mom. For being on drugs and yet being the chief police.
Days we took those pills together and laughed so hard I wet my pants. Nights you fell asleep in my arms, your body trembling because it was freezing. I'd throw a blanket over you and hold you closer, pretending.
Remember that night you and your mom had that huge fight? I held you close as the night's summer air stood completely still. With tears still running down your face you begged me to run away with you.
"Where?" I asked, after laughing and then realizing you were serious.
"Anywhere, let's just go." How I wish I would have said yes.
People asked me why I was hanging out with a loser like you, and I'd get so mad I would punch them straight in the mouth. I loved you. So much. So fucking much.
I defended you always. I didn't even care that I lost my status as one of the most popular kids in school. Never before had I met such an incredible person. Never before had I connected on such a level. Never before had I fallen so hard for someone.
I remained quiet when guys flirted with you though. Because I was suppose to be silent. I was suppose to not say anything at all. I was your best friend. Nothing else.
Remember when we promised we would always be best friends? We would live together and take on the world. You and I.
How I miss those days.
But we strayed apart. I went to another school. Time was our enemy, as well as distance. I was replaceable.
You broke my heart. You broke it into little tiny shards. Months have passed yet I still remember your voice. I still remember everyday like it happened a few seconds ago.
The last conversation we had was the final nail in my coffin.
It was on Facebook and this was the first time we had spoken in about two months.
We spoke about insignificant stuff mostly. But you told me something exciting.
"I think I've found the boy of my dreams." With a leap of my heart I quickly asked who, not caring it was asked too fast and too curiously. You replied,
"Jonathon, he's so funny and I really do like him...." I had stopped reading. The pain was too much. I wrote back saying I was so excited, saying I wish you and him would work things out.
Remember the tears I cried that night? The overwhelming pain? Of course not. You never knew. You would never know. Because I was your best friend, and best friends didn't cry over one another's love interest. Best friends didn't dream about one another. And best friends didn't fall in love with one another.
Dedicated to Matthew. I always loved you. Always will.